Stood up and don't know what went wrong!

Kelly- nope- you are not paranoid from what you are saying. Definitely suspicious and rude that he never contacted you when you were supposed to get together. Are there other issues?

This happened with my bf a few months into our relationship. Just as you said. And he was not feeling well and fell asleep before letting me know, since he just passed out. His WhatsApp also showed him active, maybe he rolled over and hit his phone or something. He gave a quick apology but didn’t think it was a big deal because, in his eyes, it wasn’t. We have a solid relationship, he wasn’t feeling well, he fell asleep, end of story. He’s given me no other reason to distrust him. I was a little anxious in the moment because it was still early days and I’ve dated some wishy-washy guys, but that was me projecting and my problem. He has been consistent and done nothing to lose my trust. If nothing like this has happened before with you two and it’s not happening again, figure out if your distrust is something wrong with the relationship or you being antsy because of crappy exes. Otherwise, he made a mistake, it’s very annoying to be stood up, and you deserve an apology and maybe him making it up to you, but let it go if it’s not an ongoing issue.

You can keep it in mind in case it happens again, but occasionally weird things happen (maybe his network went out). Don’t make excuses for him, but don’t look for problems where they probably don’t exist either. I can understand him getting upset that you don’t trust him if he’s never given you reason not to before. Just keep an eye out (without going all hypervigilant looking for clues), and if there’s nothing weird again don’t worry much about it.

The other question I’d pose is, has your relationship progressed enough at the speed you want to? Are you feeling like you want to be cohabiting or talking marriage after 2.5 years, and you’re getting concerned? I have no idea if that’s something you want or have discussed, but it’s another spot that can cause insecurity if you’re not on the same page.

If your gut is saying something is wrong with his response, you can trust your instinct. I just wouldn’t get caught up on the app tracking if there’s nothing else off because there could be innocent explanations.

Did you try calling & texting him, not over WhatsApp? Regular calls & texts through his phone network (not internet based)? That’s what I would have done, if I realized the internet based texts & calls weren’t going through.

It’s extremely odd to me that you had a nice dinner planned & he simply didn’t show up. Didn’t call to say he was unwell, didn’t doze off & wake up & few hours later to call & apologize. Most people don’t pass out for 8+ hours before 6pm, unless they’re very sick. This all sounds really, really fishy to me.

One tick usually means someone’s phone is off or they have put it on flight mode, it doesn’t always mean a person was out somewhere with no network. Sometimes when I don’t want to deal with WhatsApp messages I just switch off the phone network or put the phone on flight mode.

What you don’t know is what he was doing online at 2:58 am and it’s kind of presumptuous to say he was texting someone. Sometimes people just go online and and not talk to anyone, just to check who messaged and then get back when they find time.

You and us don’t know what’s with the phone drama but, canceling on you without telling you in advance was wrong, ignoring your frantic message was wrong as well and waiting to only reply you at 10 in the morning, that wasn’t cool either.

Yeah, I don’t want to get into being Colombo on his app status, that’s for sure. I’ve never been like that. He is totally insistent that his phone was on all evening. In my mind, if it walks like a duck..

And I agree with you, the real issue here is standing me up and refusing to communicate about it. Not cool, and increases my suspicion that he’s lying.

I believe you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Technology, nor human’s, are perfect. I honestly don’t understand the mentality nor logic of “stalking” or “tracking” your BF, who’s an adult grown man, to see where he is, or what he’s doing? I understand a parents need to do this with small or non-adult children to protect them but not adults as that’s just creepy IMO.

I would be so incensed if I found out my partner was tracking me the way you tracked him. In my mind it equates to a lack of trust, and without trust you have a foundation built on sand, not solid rock which the foundation of a long-term relationship. Your relationship doesn’t appear to be very strong if a “one off” drives you into such a tizzy.

Like they say “pick your battles very carefully.” Men can’t stand being grilled over, and over, especially if its something they have never or rarely have done over the course of the relationship. If you don’t believe his answer, or can forgive him for being a fallible human being, the sand is going to start eroding your relationship to the point, it will end if you can’t learn how to let small things like this go.

I would have simply made a ‘mental note’ to see if a pattern begins to emerge or he goes right back to being his normal self. In most cases, it will be the latter if the man feels safe, and secure with you, and the relationship.

I think this bothers you Kelly and in your first post said you’d consider breaking up with him over this. The fact that he refuses to talk about this is a big deal because he’s the one that was wrong in the first place. I would observe his behavior- I wouldn’t be the one reaching out- that should be on him.

Hi all, Great to get so many different perspectives. Thank you!! I feel that standing someone up and not apologizing (and also having a very shady story) is totally grounds for me setting a boundary. I don’t accept that kind of behaviour. It was very worrying to me, and it’s too bad if “men don’t like to grilled.” If they don’t like answering questions, they should not put themselves in situations where they need to! No free pass because of gender here!

Hi Hayley,

Thanks so much for your perspective. Above everything else, I want a partner who can communicate effectively. I don’t want someone who can see that they’ve hurt me, and refuses to address the issue. It’s fishy, his story. I honestly in my heart believe that no one sleeps for 15 hours. And, hey, if that happened, a simple apology would have put things right. I don’t expect perfection, but I also expect a little bit of respect, and standing me up and then basically ghosting me when I ask for an explanation feels like injury plus insult. The defensive response is at the heart of my complaint here. I can accept a missed evening…I can’t accept being yelled at for it or completely dismissed. It’s crappy behaviour and I’m not a doormat.

How about just pulling way back and let him do all the work for a while…. Calls, visits, planning etc.