Stood up and don't know what went wrong!

I stand by the fact that you BOTH handled this very poorly.

Yes, he should have reached out at 2 am to allay your fears with a simple text but it doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. Not all men think like woman do.

I remember doing this to my now ex husband, before we were married, and pre cell phones btw. I was very independent, and did things on a whim without informing him. It didn’t even cross my mind to tell him but I also didn’t realize how much it bothered him. One night, after doing some errands, he sat me down, and CALMLY said “I would appreciate it if you gave me a heads up if your going to come home late. I don’t know if you got into an accident, and not knowing or being able to help makes me feel helpless.” It was how he did it, and said it, that made me give him a quick call, or check in, telling him why I would be late coming home, from thereon. We both did this throughout our 20+ year marriage.

Simple solution to a simple problem. Although a bit different, as we were living together, however if you had CALMLY said “OK (accept his reason) but from hereon please let me know sooner so I don’t fret so much” and then let it go, he would have been far less resistant. Repeatedly ‘bringing it up’ (aka ‘grilling him) by essentially calling him a liar, based on your ‘ticks’ is naturally going to put him in defensive mode when he’s repeatedly feeling attacked.

Again, you both handed it sucky.

You wouldn’t get an internet connection if you were at someone’s house and you didn’t have their WiFi password? Or if you were in a bar or restaurant and you didn’t sign in with their password. You don’t need to go to the mountains. Unless you’re using data it’s super easy.

I agree with you Kelly that the behavior following the no-show is the problem. Not contacting you at all could be he’s busy, but obviously he knows something appears fishy in what happened Thursday-Friday. It’s up to him to reach and communicate. He’s not handling this situation well at all. Good idea to sit back and watch. I would have a hard time trusting him moving forward.

Hi Kelly,

In my opinion, I would be upset at being stood up and the unapologetic gesture after. Let’s say even if he was really sleeping, he stood you up. He should apologize.

About the tracking deliver time on Whatsapp, I would not go too serious on this thou. I use few different apps for communication (different preference from different friends, family and work related). They all have their unstable performance at a time. You did not know it really could be app technical problem and if he was really sleeping he would not have known.

I recently just had apps problem. I was at a friend’s place having a girls night. I did not have her wifi, but my phone would automatic switch to use data if I want to send things. I took some selfies and my gfs asked me to share with them right away coz I always forgot to share photos. So I did at the moment they asked. I used FB messenger to share, nothing. I used my phone text message, nothing. They just received nothing. The icon of circle (processing in sending) just kept on turning but it just did not send. I slept over, then the next morning, I checked and the circle was still turning(!), one of my gfs suggested me to turn off my phone and turned it back on (simple IT tech procedure) so I did a restart. Voila! Sent and done. I could not explain it, but that’s what happened.

If he was telling the truth, he slept 15 hrs, was he not feeling well? Did he have a very bad day that nothing made him feel better but curd up in bed and covered his head in the dark? You two have been together 2.5 years, it doesn’t bother you he slept 15 hrs you would not worry if he is under stress or he has health problem (touch wood, hope it is not catching Covid). Maybe he really had something in his mind/he was feeling unwell and he did oversleep and what frustrated him is not gone yet so maybe he is still struggling?

I honestly understand why you are upset, if I were you, I might do the same, wait for his contact and explanation. On the other hand, I am a little torn on the decision of waiting. What if he was really fatigued because of stress from work, what if he was really not feeling well; if I only pout and sat alone be upset, he might feel that I don’t care about him but I only care about myself. Yes, he stood you up, he was wrong. Give him one more chance to explain? 2.5 years together you said you two are doing fine, I think he deserves a benefit of a doubt.

Good luck, Kelly.

I would hope he wouldn’t ghost you after a 2.5 year relationship! That’s extreme. I agree he owes you an apology but let’s not assume this is the end. Unless there are other problems in your relationship? Has anything like this happened before? If not, it’s all the more reason to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses. I think I’m sliding into anger the more time goes by. I’m definitely not calling him. You are right about the app… something weird could have happened. Seems weird that his last seen was 3 am, but I’m not going to focus on that. I’ll take everyone’s good advice and stop making it about the WhatsApp status. In the meantime, I’m just going to carry on with my life, and if he makes contact I’ll hear him out respectfully. But honestly, this is really bad behaviour and I’m having a hard time putting this behind me.
what gets me is I didn’t hear from him all night. Then he got up in the morning, showered, shaved, had a coffee, looked at the news, walked to the tube. Took the tube to work, said hi to his office mates, and then….maybe I’ll contact my partner and let her know why she was sitting there all night thinking I may have had a car accident etc…ok…here goes….sorry about last night. I fell asleep. That’s not right!

For the record, “giving him the benefit of the doubt” does not mean “let it slide”. It means not making assumptions & giving him a chance to explain himself (or try to explain). Hopefully you will hear from him today. I agree with Tallspicy that there must be more to this story, no offense OP.

“The loss of my relationship”? You consider the relationship over because of this?

My advice is to just calm down and see if he reaches out. If you work yourself up, you will not be in a state of mind to try to talk and resolve things. I’m in a long term relationship myself (over 3 years) and I can’t imagine throwing it away over a single misunderstanding. Unless there is more going on that you’re not sharing.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My take on it is he is acting this way because he has a guilty conscience.
Why else would he not reach out? You sure as heck didn’t overreact and seemingly handled this very maturely and rationally.

I can so relate to what you’re going through. And the only regret I have is giving the benefit of the doubt – too many times. It must be so hard not reaching out. But I think you’re doing the right thing.

kelly just read your thread. the fact that he missed a dinner is ok but the what followed just doesn’t make any sense to me. if i miss a dinner at a friends place, and knowing he/she especially cooked dinnner, that it was a plan and they were wait for me to turn up. the min i wake up, i would feel so bad. my instinct would be to message a sorry since its late and call first thing in the morning. not only did he miss dinner but he didnt even feel bad that he kept you waiting. thats what the problem is.

now whether he was lying about falling asleep is another angle and whatsapp status etc all that comes later.

the thing is you guys have been together for a long time. so would it be wise to just blow off this whole thing over one episode?? if it was a one off than best to put it behind. but what if there was more to this?

i would just suggest staying low for a bit till your anger has cooled off. interacting while your angry is not going to help. stay lowkey and let him do all the calling and making plans for the next few days. if this was just a one off thing things will blow off soon and you guys back to normal.

kelly if he doesn’t get in touch, that’s your closure. anyone wld have been angry if they were in your shoes. your anger was justified and you seeking answers also justified. he not just missed a dinner but dint even have the courtesy to inform or apologise later when he woke up. or in the morning. most of us wld have been worried and pissed. firstly he made a mistake so he shld be apologising and pampering you cause you were upset. he acting as if hes the wronged party is silly behavior on his part. if what you guys had was genuine, he will get in touch. maybe in the next few days. atlst thats what i feel

I’m with you Rox, I don’t understand the WhatsApp thing either. Why not call/text over the phone network? That was my first question in this thread.

Also don’t most people have data plans on their phone? Is he only reliant on wifi for internet? That’s really odd. I didn’t think you could have a smartphone without a data plan, honestly. But I don’t know.

I admit I don’t entirely understand what’s going on. All that, plus the total lack of communication. The stonewalling here is surprising to me, in a supposedly healthy 2.5 year relationship. So I don’t quite get it. But I do hope it works out for the best, whatever happens.

Also, WhatsApp tells you when the message was actually delivered to the recipient. The only reason a message would not be delivered is if the person was in a place with no WiFi (say someone’s house and they were not logged in to the WiFi) or the person had their phone off. As soon as they get back online the messages that you sent goes through. In this case that was 2:58 am.so, he either had his phone off or in inflight mode or he was somewhere where he was not logged into their WiFi. It’s easy to use up your data allowance too. I’m 100 percent convinced of the WhatsApp business as tiring as it is to hear me keep banging on about it. I’m American, so I understand it’s not as popular of an app there, but here that’s pretty much all anyone uses to text.