Strange question asked by boyfriend ?

Oh Yeah this must be the same guy. Because you worried you were and were checking your daughter for autism. I guess he is still looking for clues lol

Listen there are different color flags when observing the men you are dating. Generally yellow flags (not crazy concerning, but noted for future observation) pink flags (not okay behavior, but maybe not deal breakers) and red flags (definitely not okay behavior and serious consideration of the man, your relationship with him and overall reflection of the relationship).

His comments would be a red flag to me. Healthy relationships are when your partner sees the best in you, thinks you’re amazing, has appropriate boundaries, is supportive and not looking for fault. How dare he insinuate you are not loving enough to your kitties or your daughter? The lesser of the concern would be he is highly judgmental, the greater that he has the potential to be controlling. At the very least he is insensitive and such judgments of you, entertaining them by defending yourself, would eventually lead to an eroding of your self esteem. I recommend taking stock of the partnership as a whole. As for me, I would be wildly turned off by a guy if it was said to me.

T, your expectations of a relationship will leave you disappointed. One comment is not looking for the bad in you and no one will ever say the right things all the time. If what you wrote is the level of perfection you expect from all words and behaviors from a man or even a friend, you have a lack of compassion/forgiveness for people’s actual behavior. People can love you and support you and say hurtful things and occasionally (this was barely in that category).

I would say to him, can you please clarify the meaning you are attaching to that comment? I feel you are trying to insinuate something and it might not be kind. Is that what you mean?

He does nit pick in a way and I am sensitive and so is he. He did ask me if I had Aspergers. I later asked him how he knew so much about it. He knew makes and females presented differently so he must know a bit about it. He told that he wasn’t diagnosed but it’s thought that he is on the spectrum. I said I had wondered as only a person with Aspergers would ever ask a person that.

I am wondering about some hints that there are some controlling behaviours. But I feel good in his company, well at least until he drops these types of questions.

@Tallspicy. I don’t believe I have unrealistic expectations. I gave 20 years of my life to a narcissist and believe me – comments like those (ones where you question someone inferring something derogatory with little, to no, evidence (such as when the OP said he’d only seen her interact with her daughter a few times) is how controlling behaviors start. I have since known healthier, extremely loving associations and never felt judged – though those men certainly said insensitive things on occasion – which I of course overlooked.

I stand by my assessment that his comments were a red flag as they seem to be fault finding. I didn’t tell her to leave the guy. I just advised assessing the entirety of the interactions because if he’s being that nit picky on such little data – what else might he be doing that she may have overlooked because she might be seeing the best in him?!

T, I know you are compassionate. I have read many of your comments. I just hate when people make romantic love look like it should be puppies and rainbows and anything less means someone does not love you. There is a totality to a relationship.

If this man is on the spectrum, he was most likely just making an observation. But the poster knows better.

To the poster… this is who this guy is. If it is not working, end it.

Just when I think things have settled with this guy things get a bit unsettled again.

There is this conversation that comes up regularly where he laments the lack of physical time we spend together. We have known one another for around 8 weeks and we spend all weekend together but only one night due to the fact that I have a child. I had an extra night this week and I spent it with him as my child was away.

We Skype nightly and we text during the day. He sometimes will Skype as well. Most of this is him contacting me but I reciprocate. His point is that for two people that get on so well we don’t spend a lot of physical time together. He brings this up a lot as it’s not enough for him. He tells me he understands but at night he is lonely. Tonight he said what we have is more causal as we only spend the weekends together. I told him that I can’t do anything about it at this stage and in time when my child is comfortable we can spend more night together but it’s too soon now. I said it’s not casual you have asked to be exclusive etc. there is nothing casual about it and I think that most people at this stage one night a week and all weekend would be considered ok.

I don’t know we were having a fun Skype chat and then he goes into a sad mood and brings up that we don’t see each other enough. I let him
Know what it makes me feel like I’m not
giving him enough but His reply was that I was getting too serious and it’s normal for him to miss me.

He said he is really happy with me but he feels like I don’t have enough time for him. He said he is always available for me but doesn’t feel that I am for him as sometimes I’m busy.

I don’t know Why when things are feeling good in this relationship it feels like he rocks the boat.

Thank you for your responses.

I’m not sure if I am on the spectrum but I do need a lot of alone time to feel recharged. I am quirky in many ways but I’m creative so don’t really run along the mainstream of feeling I have to be a certain way. He doesn’t drain me and I love spending time with him but I’m picking up a codependence in him. I had strong codependency in my marriage so I’m trying to keep things interdependent and healthy.

These are early days and I have a lot of positives to work within this relationship. But I am always ready to flee at the slightest glimpse of a flag. The good thing is that he will talk and work through things which helpful but can also be exhausting at times.

By the way I have noticed another user using P and it’s not me but you guys seem to have not mixed us up so far.