Struggling to move on (self blame)

This a cry for help as I can’t move on from my break-up and it’s been 4 months now. I never felt so lost and can’t stop thinking about him and all the good memories at the beginning of our relationship. I feel like it’s all my fault and I can’t stop self blaming. Any insights into how to deal with this situation would be so so helpful. So we started dating in February 2023 long distance, I live in SF and he in Seattle and I go to Seattle for work regularly. Things were going well (he was super into me initially – more than I was ) I felt like I met my person ( I am previously divorced, he is not and I am looking for something serious and settle down) but I could always feel there was lack of calling/face timing (he would just text all the time). Then suddenly things started slowing down from his side after I met him in Seattle and we made out & spent time together (No sex). I could feel him pulling away when I asked him to come visit me in SF (after 3 months – May 2023). This made me super anxious so I decided to confront him and he said he can’t do LDR at the moment (besides initially saying he is cool with it). NGL I was heartbroken as I really started liking him – thought something good is happening in my life (after a divorce with an abusive Narcissist). I really worked on myself with a therapist and was able to pull myself together and come out of it – I thought I was secure and I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me and who slow ghosts people and I deserved better.

After around 4 months he pops back into my life again, I didn’t respond for like a month but then I gave in and we started talking again (I know I shouldn’t have but I was lonely and dating apps weren’t promising either).

I asked for the real reason why he ended things he said because I didn’t tell him I was divorced on the 1st date but waited till 2nd and since he was cheated on before he want an honest partner. I accepted his reason and gave him another chance. He also said he has been single from the last 5 years because he is very picky.

After texting for 2 months every single day he came to visit me in SF – it was amazing like we never stopped seeing each other – I never felt anything like this with anyone before. He came to see me again the following weekend (stayed with me at my house – I cooked for him all his fav meals :) ) and then I went to see him (stayed over at his ) – everything was going great. He was caring, kind, loving, PDA and excitement. He said things about me moving in with him and us having kids and him meeting my family etc etc (everything I wanted to hear). But for some reason I still felt something was missing especially with communication (calling especially) he would text and send me his selfies/day to day stuff every single day. Then he went to attend a wedding in another country and ended up spending 2 nights with his female best friend (smoking weed, watching movies and trying food places) while he didn’t communicate with me at all. This happened one time before as well where he went on a trip with his ex and this girl best friend and zero communication. I don’t know this was something that made me very very anxious. I tried communicating with him but he said his ex is very close friend and if that’s a problem for me then I should reconsider.

I thought I was overreacting and tried ignoring this and living with the fact that he has a female best friend who he considers as close as his family. He came to visit me again and told him clearly that while I am okay with him being friends with her I would not like my partner spending nights alone with someone of opposite sex (that’s my boundary). I also asked about our relationship status and he asked for sometime & was very vague. Then after a few weeks asked me to be his girlfriend. I was head over heels and he said he will take me to meet his parents in December.

I don’t know but for some reason I always felt something was missing like my emotional needs were not met, there were no discussions of feelings and every time it was me who wanted to talk about feelings. He prioritized his work and friends over me, keeping me at an emotional arms length. Even after asking me to be his gf I didn’t feel the same level of emotional investment from his side. He would sext for hours but if I ever bring up anything emotional he would shutdown. Long story short, I think I couldn’t ever get over the whole situation with his girl best friend (also found out later that they were alone for those 2 nights) and ended up having an emotional outburst in 2 occasions. After the 2nd conflict, I could feel him pulling way again – complete emotional withdrawal (no compliments and meaningful talks) – I asked him what was going on but he said everything is fine – I became an absolute mess. I forced him to come see me and he did. I got high with him ( I am pretty new to smoking ) and got really emotional again and asked him what he thinks about the future and he said he doesn’t think about at all at this moment and he needs time. I spiraled into more anxiety said some hurtful things to him because he was emotionally checked out and saw him texting another female friend of his. He then ended things with me. I begged and apologized in every way possible and stopped him from breaking up – we ended up having a great event together before I flew back to SF (he said he never loved anyone the way he loved me) – and he said he will think about giving to another shot.

But a month passed and he was not there at all ( as if he was waiting for me to end things) – I was an absolute mess and then I saw him online on a dating app. My heart sank and I never felt so miserable in my whole life. Crippling anxiety and the feeling that I ruined everything – that no-one would ever want to be with me because I am so insecure and not a good person.

I confronted him about the app but he lied and denied it and then said he doesn’t want to continue because I am trying to change/control him and that’s altering his friendship with these girls. I apologized a million times and begged him to give it another chance and that we could work through this but he said no. Since then we are no contact but its been so hard for me to move on. I feel like I lost something amazing.

Sometimes I feel that everything that happened ( all the issues with him and girl best friend) was maybe nothing and I overreacted and made it a big deal – the reason being I do not have any proof plus he always maintained a plausible deniabilityI so . It’s all so confusing and my brain flips and flops between good and bad so much with cognitive dissonance.

Secondly, I feel he saw my emotions as character flaws and I feel this deep sense of guilt and shame that I showed him my bad side and he could never see any good part of me. He found all the faults in me and decided we are not compatible. This leads me to feel guilt, self blame and a lingering feeling that I am not a desirable person to love. Any guy would run away from the drama and constant conflicts that I caused.

I think about all the memories, moment we spent together and things he did for me and the fact that its over and that I will never get to experience it again and what if I can’t feel this way again about anyone.

Any advice on how to move on will be hugely appreciated !