Struggling to move on (self blame)

Another things that made me anxious was he never introduced me to any of his friends. So it was getting harder for me to trust him. Sometimes he will say things like – I would do XYZ if my future wife would like it – like he never considered me long term :(

Sorry @Mira, This guy 🤯

He accuses you of being a potential cheeter because you didn’t tell him you were divorced until second date, but he’s galavanting around with his ex…

Please find a trained someone to help you through this..

Thanks Raven – I am in therapy for almost an year and my therapist said he had Narcissistic traits with avoidant attachment. Do you also see it?

Its so difficult for me to get over this whole thing – I feel like I am the bad guy here and I am not going to find anyone as good as him. Its so bizarre, I never felt anything like this before ( I have had break ups but this feels something else). I feel like I lost my self confidence & self trust and its all my fault.

You won’t push away the right people. An avoidant with narcissistic tendencies isn’t the right person. He’s just easy to obsess about because of the addictive dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachers. The intermittent reinforcement keeps you hooked, as you make excuse after excuse to try to forgive the unforgivable and stay connected. Keep working with your therapist, but go back to even prior to your divorce. That’s where the issues lie. This guy is just a distraction from taking a harder look at yourself, but that’s the real way through this.

Hey, felt the need to chime in here. I’m going to be blunt, so I hope you are okay with that, but this will be the advice a therapist won’t give you.

1. He was always one foot in the door and one foot in. You didn’t push him away or anything. There is a big saying for this, “For the wrong guy, there is nothing you can do right. For the right guy, there is nothing you could do wrong.” Understand this, if he liked you, actually liked you, there is nothing that would ‘push him away’ and his excusing his behaviour away is just that, excuses.

2. He was gaslighting you hard. He was definitely taking advantage of the fact that you clearly have never been loved properly. So when you brought up legit concerns like his closeness with female friends and an ex and sleeping over with them, he gaslit you hard by making it out like you were the one with the problem. Just putting it out there, a high value woman would have dropped him like yesterday.

3. A high value woman would never beg a man to come back or force him to stay together. You have clearly already lost a guy or he clearly isn’t invested if you have to do any of this stuff. To this I gotta say, have you read any of the articles on this website? You literally did all of the things you should never do.

4. When I say you did the things you shouldn’t do, I don’t mean you did anything to lose him. He was clearly stringing you along and I suspect dating around the entire time. He was clearly not exclusive with you and didn’t see you as anything but a bit of fun. With those guys, if you want to talk feelings, it isn’t fun anymore for them so they tune it out or want to stop talking about it. He was never as into it as you were. Where you should blame yourself is for begging and forcing things and DRAGGING it out. The more you saw him and kept trying to cling to him and not move on from him, the more you fed the obsession over him.

5. Best advice is this – When someone rejects you or gaslights you or just doesn’t really seem all that into you – which he was pretty clear about when he said long distance wasn’t for him, or he didn’t want to come see you, or he never thought of a future at all… If a guy was crazy about you, he will have already named your 3 perfect children. If you asked him to come to SF, he would be like, “When can I come? Booking flights NOW.” So, when someone rejects you (overtly or subtly like this guy), it isn’t a ‘no’, it is God’s way of saying, “This person isn’t the one for you. Let me redirect you over here…”

I hope this helps. I’m going through something similar, except I had a coworker I have liked for about 9 months. I finally asked him out but he replied he was seeing someone. Now, how did I handle it? With dignity and grace. A high value woman does not get stuck on a man. I made a list of his flaws to help me, and a list of what I want my ideal guy to be like. I got out there and flew to visit family back in my hometown and saw this cute guy waiting for the same flight. Normally, I’d be shy and look away. This time, I kept looking over, not caring if he caught me making eyes at him. He did, I smiled. I walked past him to get to my seat, he looked over at me lots, and so did 3 other guys. Confidence is sexy is what this has taught me.

The root cause of all these behaviours of yours is you have set a very low price tag on yourself. I hate when people say ‘you need to love yourself first’ or ‘spend time alone to build up self-confidence and esteem’.

I have been single a long time, and more alone time is not healthy or helpful. The only thing it makes me want to do is possible get another cat. Not the best goal rn. Lol

The plane is the goal. Get out and pursue a hobby you have seen others do and always wanted to try. Get really engrossed in your life and projects. Get out more, not necessarily bars and clubs, but try a new coffee place on your lunch break or break up your routines. Be friendly everywhere you go, be positive. Flirt, like I did via eye contact with the guy from the plane. And if he was picking up what I put down, he would have looked for an excuse to approach me. Was I going to try and find him? Hell no. The right guy wouldn’t let me slip through his fingers. You or I… we don’t need to ‘do’ anything, not for the right guys for us. They will be excited just to be part of things.

And the coworker? It’s upsetting after 4 years working together he is seeing someone. That’s what he said when I asked him out. It may or may not be true. He is technically my boss’s boss. And he has never mentioned a woman before, nor brought anyone to the Christmas parties… if he was dating someone, I suspect a man would be super happy (he isn’t – he’s super grumpy lately and depressed) and he’d be proud of her, probably telling everyone about this amazing linguini his gf made him last night. So, i honestly suspect he just doesn’t want to date coworkers and it’s just easier to say he is ‘in a relationship with someone’ which could mean anything… including his son. Lol

I’m not going to let it get me down. A buddy at work recently told me when we are working, he has lost track of how many of the other coworkers have been checking me out. Now the majority are married, but they have eyes.

Focus on these things. Focus less on the negative or rejections and flirt, remember compliments you get and remember what it feels like to have a man smile or compliment you. Then apply that feeling to your dating life and any potential suitors. That is how they should make you feel, they should make you feel like a graceful lady, like Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. Even if we know we don’t look the part lol.

Hope this helps. It took me a while to get to this point, but once you do – you learn not yo elevate a random man to your master and to stop begging for scraps from the master’s table.

Much Love 💕
Kat