Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Super attentive boyfriend of ten months hasn't said I love you.
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Emma.
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Natalie
I have been with this great guy for ten months. We never fight, practically live with each other, maybe only three nights do we not sleep over. We text all day, every day even when we know we will see each other that night. We talk on the phone at least twice a day, even when we know we will see each other that night. I regularly get flowers and cards. I will come out of work and they will be on my car, or I’ll get to work and he’ll slip a card into my laptop so when I open it, I see it. He constantly tells me how he has never felt so connected with someone and so “comfortable.” He grabs my hand in public, and is very lovey-dovey. Allllllllll of this………………but he hasn’t said I love you. He will even scratch out the part on the cards that says “I love you” and say “I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
His mom loves me and tells him all the time not to screw this up. She got a little tipsy on New Years and told me she asked him how it was going and he told her he loved me. She asked him if he had told me yet, and he said no. She then even informed him that as a woman and dating as long as we have, that that would have bothered her and he needs to let me know.
That was a months ago………………….and still not a sign of it.
So, one: I either am good on paper and am a good match for him, so he’s thinking this is a good girl, has a great career, takes care of herself and we get along great, but there is no love (he tells me all the time he’s never dated such a classy girl and I’m out of his league.)
Or, two: He’s got a hang-up with the words, but really does love me.Either way……………..how long do I wait before coming to the conclusion that it’s not love, but reasonableness that he feels for me. I’m the reasonable one to be with.
Amanda
Are you serious? He buys a card that says, “I love you” and then scratches that out? That is really weird behavior. I would ask him why he scratched that out. This is a hard one though since he is doing all the other right things. That said I would not marry a guy that didn’t say he loved me. And some point you might simply have to bring it up. Give it a couple of more months though.
Georgia
Um, wow. You stayed after he scratched out I love you? You realize he could have bought a card nor containing those words. But he chose to buy that card and aggressively scratch it out? He was trying to hurt you. He’s not going to profess his love any time soon.
I would not stay with someone looking to hurt me. Especially at a time when he’s supposed to be celebrating me.
You’re focused on the wrong thing. Does he love you? Who gives a sh!t?!? Does he deserve you? No.
Peggy
This is a bit of an odd one. (your situation) Does he have reason to think you may not love or feel as deeply as him? I am sure you do love him, but are you cool on the surface type or shy-anything that may have him unsure about you?
Maybe he is a serious guy that links I love you with a commitment like getting engaged? The scratching out the love part on the card is strange,because it would be the perfect,easy way to let you know how he feels.
Do things feel more safe and friendly than passionate? Do you have any other indicators-has he talked about “the future” with you? I would not say it first in case he says it without really being sure. It needs to come from him.
To answer the question you asked-I would give it a year max. If he has not said anything I would say “I think we are very compatible and having a great connection here but it has been a year. I need to know how you feel about me/us. If,in a talk like that,he does not tell you he loves you…I would assume that he doesn’t/won’t and move on.Raven
The scratching of the card is curious & yes, passive aggressive… Did you say something about it?
Nat
OMG please do not do anything drastic because he scratched ot the words and has not yet said I love you. The guy is treating you like a princess. he is showing you his love. His mom loves you, things are nearly perfect. Do you know how many women would have killed to be treated this way? You can’t get 100% of things. You just can’t.
He probably saw the I love you part on the card and did not want to waste it, but at that time it was too early maybe. He does not say those words casually. Some men say them only when they propose.
Do nothing please. Enjoy things things they are. His mom told you how he feels, so give him time to feel comfortable saying those words. To him it might mean “marriage” automatically. People are different. We are not in some military camp where you have “rules” that everyone follows in the exact way.
crisula
why not just get a card that doesn’t say “I love you?” Very odd
L
Well, at least he didn’t scratch out Someone else’s signature and re-gift an old card to you.
Georgia
Way to look at the bright side, L! And people say you’re negative!
Algo
I didn’t see any problems with him not saying I love you, until the scratched out part. That’s just weird. Not sure if it’s a problem, just weird.
Why not get a card that doesn’t say I love you?
Omi G
His actions shows his love, his mother even told you had said he loves you. He knows that he needs to tell you but something is stalling. As another poster said, not everyone is the same. Just because it has been 10 months doesn’t mean anything. He could say he loves you all the time yet treat you like crap…you know? The fact his actions show his love for you is all that matters now, just take things as they are and enjoy what your relationship means to you.
Georgia
Everyone has different needs. I know I’m in the minority here, but communication is important to me. If I have to hear it from his mom first? That makes me wonder how we will communicate about the harder things. Sure, being treated well is wonderful, but for long-term relationships communication is key.
redcurleysue
Just one day, when in conversation, ask him how he feels about you. If he says you are amazing, etc…tell him those are adjectives and you want to know how he feels about you.
If it tries to turn it by asking how you feel tell him you will tell him after he tells you how he feels about you.
Then listen intently.
Amanda
The card thing is so weird that it really changes the advice you are getting here. Can you explain the context. What was the card for? Was it obvious he scratched it out, like you could still see the “I love you”. Did you say anything?
Natalie
So I got enough guts up, and did just that, I asked him how he feels about me and our relationship. He said every day I amaze him, and it’s the stuff I don’t even know I do that makes him smile and grateful that he has me in his life. He said he couldn’t be any more happier with anything ever than he is with where we are at in our relationship. He said, quote, I only want to be with you, I’m all in with US.
Sooo…………he can pour his heart out, but can’t say I love you?!?!? Even more confusing!Natalie
Amanda,
There was no occasion really. We were kind of disconnected for us that week because I am a court reporter and I was stuck in a trial, so I just had no real time for us. He bought me this beautiful card, but it was VERY obvious he crossed it out. Not just once, but over and over and over, but it was VERY obvious that under that black box, it said “love you”. It said: I know that I could never love anyone else the way that I — then the big black pen marks, and he put instead ” have fallen for you.”
I didn’t say a thing! I thanked him over and over and told him how much I loved being connected to him and was looking forward for the weekend when we could be together. I figured this man put the effort to go look for a card, read through however many, pick it out, buy it, and leave it on my car for when I got out of work to brighten my terribly hard work day, I just couldn’t bring myself to sound nit-picky and didn’t want to come across as bitchy that I focused on that, and not everything else that it said and the energy he took to do it. Now thinking maybe I should have brought it up???……ugh!Natalie
Georgia,
That is an EXCELLENT point………….had to hear it from his mother……..getting things is nice, but communication IS key! Never thought about either one like that! hhhhmmmmmm……
Linda
The card thing is odd for sure because it was obviously purposely done. But could it be that in his mind ” I can’t imagine my life without you” means more than I love you? Or is it possible that he may be scared to say it because he may jinx this wonderful relationship he has with you? May be last woman he said it to broke his heart. Honestly the only way to know is ask him. You have been together long enough where communication should be open.
Amanda
Okay the card thing is even worse than I thought. You have the most positive attitude in the world. I would have been furious. Bringing that up isn’t nit picky. It is like a slap in the face to purposely pick out a card that says I love you multiple times and then cross it out? He should have just picked one of the many cards that doesn’t say I love you. Instead, it’s like he went out of his way to say “I don’t love you”. That is cruel and bizarre. He must have been testing you or something. I would give it maybe two more months at most and then straight up ask him, “Do you love me?”. Communication is going to be a major major issue if you don’t get this under control.
redcurleysue
I remember reading on this site that to some men saying I love you is like a taking responsibility for the future. Some men take it very seriously.
And I would guess that you do want this man to be that committed and serious about you.
This puts your relationship on the line of course. In other words this can be a deal breaker in the long run. He goes up to a point and then will not move to the finish line. For most women that is not acceptable since it is fence sitting.
You are in the situation so this is totally up to you. I will tell you what I would do in your shoes, but this is me.
I would set a deadline in my head (a month or two) and if he continued to dance around I would tell him that I do not feel our relationship is progressing like normal and I have to end it. I would tell him that I feel his feelings for me are not strong enough to continue a relationship I want in my life. When he questions why I would tell him that he crosses out any attempts to tell me he loves me in cards and that makes me unhappy and I want someone who loves me and is not afraid to say so.
I would then walk.
If he runs after me he would have to jump through several BIG hoops to hold my attention.
Sam
When a man say you are ‘out of his league’ that’s very telling,
Many times a man says things like, I’m not good enough for you, your too good for me etc. and all this means is that you are not the one for him. It’s a way to let you down easy.
I’m going to guess he loves you but isn’t in love with you. Which is why he struggles.
Which is why he will only go so far.I’m with red Curley. It’s not normal for a man not to say he loves you. Do you ever want to get married? Because right now you are acting like one without any benefit of knowing if he really sees a future with you. Men can live in the moment for years and never take things further.
lexie
Does he know that you want to pursue a future with him or that you’re looking for a life partner or to get married? I just can’t imagine a decent guy stringing along someone if he knows how serious you are. Just an opinion.
Sam
Ya know. Women come on here and expect others to read the mind of their partner.
Why don’t you ask why he did that?Only he can tell you. Not any of us. Now if you asked and he said something that you don’t know how to respond to, then that would warrant advice. But right now everyone is stabbing in the dark trying to read his mind,
Maybe he is whacko. Maybe he likes other words to express love. Maybe he has Tourette’s and crossed it out by accident.
Why are women is these relationships and can’t ask their man to clarify what they mean?
Ash
Well… he says he’s all in and his actions seem to certainly back that up.
So really there is some hang up specifically with those three words. Maybe he equates it with getting married, maybe he’s afraid you won’t reciprocate, maybe he’s just gun shy.I think it would be okay in this instance to just ask him straight. You’ve been together ten months, you’re getting to the point where you no longer need to dance around the communication.
“I know you do all these wonderful things and it’s clear you really care about me and I really appreciate it, but I’ve noticed we haven’t said “I love you” to each other yet. Is there a particular reason why we haven’t said these words?”
Only he can really tell you what the hang up is.
Juliette
I was in the same situation, finally my boyfriend said it after a year and a month. We are happy and he is a serious guy. I feel like you should wait to the one year mark and then say what Ash suggested.
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