Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Taking a "break" with my confused boyfriend
- This topic has 38 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Mae.
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Mae
My boyfriend and I are on a break after 1 year and 9 months of relationship. About 3 weeks ago, he opened up that he is tired of our relationship after a few fights. He’s so stressed about many things and can’t give me the attention & love I needed, so he said we should take a rest [break]. He never really mentioned “break” but he said he wanted to rest, I asked him a couple of times after a few days of chasing him (which is a bad idea, i know) and asked if he wanted to break up but he responded with “I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. I’m tired of this relationship but I’m not sure if I want to break up with you either. I’m sorry.” and he always say sorry to me. I told him i’ll give him space and to let me know if his mind is finally clear and knows what he really wants. He says he is not sure when will he make up his mind but i told him he could take his time and I’ll just wait for him. He says he is not sure if that’s what he needs.
It honestly confuses me so much because the way he apologized to me seems like he is breaking up but i feel like he don’t have the guts to tell me. I know he is hesitating to let me go because he loves me, too.
After telling me we should take a “break”, I chased him for a few days telling him how much I love him and that I’m always there for him and all I got was “Thankyou” and “Sorry”. I admit I became a little clingy so I stopped doing these things and just gave him his space. He is the one who contacts me and I always make sure I don’t text him first, but our conversations are only like 5 texts or more, then nothing. I always wait 30 mins. to an hour before I reply though. It’s been 2 weeks since I let him message me first and since then I never open up to him about our relationship.
I am focusing on myself during this “break” and I make sure I don’t post any negative on social media. I focus on the things I’m really into (it’s a perfect time tho, we are currently on lockdown so I have every time that I need to do these activities). I often post selfies and videos of me dancing/singing and I make sure I come off positive with life. Well, I am feeling better and I really feel positive so I’m not faking it. After 2 weeks, I learned how to value & love myself, and that I am worth it.
Last night he messaged me at 3 am, talking about how good the series he finished watching. I responded positively and we had a cool & short conversation. Then all of a sudden, his mood shifted and opened up about me changing my password already (i changed it after I told him that i’ll give him space [2 weeks ago], and i’m sure he probably knows it bc he opens my account everyday) and told me “I’m done”. I asked him “with what?” then he just reacted a dislike (👎🏻) to my message and didn’t respond. I messaged and asked him again then he said “Nevermind. I don’t have to explain anything, anyway.”, i told him “At least tell me”. He said, “Then? What would you do if I tell you?” i said “Just tell me so I would know” then after that he didn’t reply & just left me on read
Now I don’t know what to do. I haven’t messaged him yet and I’m just waiting if he will answer my question. I feel like he was pertaining to our relationship when he said he’s done, but I want him to tell it to me clearly. I’m afraid that’s his way of breaking up with me? I don’t want to chase and beg him because I don’t deserve that but I’m still anxious and hurt because of him. What should I do? Should I just ignore him?
alia
He is taking a coward’s approach. I hope that gives you a pause.
Raven
Password to your account… I’m lost?
Mae
Yes, Raven. He knows the password of my social media accounts and I just recently changed it
redcurleysue
I would give yourself space to evaluate all this. It seems to me you are chasing a man and men are like cats – the more you chase the more they run. You are the prize – he is not.
Honey
Why would you give him passwords to your social media accounts? Was it him who asked for these?
I would never let any man (not even my husband) have access to my accounts. They are my privacy.
I’m shocked to hear this!
Mae
Thankyou, redcurleysue. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. “I am the prize.” guess I will just let him ignore me and have his space all he wants?
Mae
Yes, honey. He always ask for my passwords, I know that’s crazy.
Raven
How convenient for him…
He wants to take a break from y’all’s relationship, but has your passwords & checks them daily… & then acts like a little b!tch when you change them…
What other controlling things does/did he do?
Mae
I haven’t changed my password for like a year that’s why he still knows my password 2 weeks ago. I just recently changed it after he told me he wanted a break and randomly opened it up to me. I knew his password, too but he changed it a year ago and I never bothered to ask him for his new password because it’s nonesense. That’s why I’m shocked too when he mentioned that I already changed my password, when he himself changed his pw long time ago
Mae
I’m also afraid while giving him space and not send him a message, he will go date other girls and not break up with me… argh! This anxiety. He’s making me confuse, just like him 🙄
Mae
I mean not break up with me officially*
Raven
Why don’t You break up with him?!
Mae
I actually want this to work out because I love him and I sacrificed many things for this relationship, I don’t want to waste all of that. Idk if that makes sense, but yeah I love him
Anon
I’ve read a few posts that are mentioning dating- I’m not sure where you all live, but we have a global pandemic. How on earth are you dating when you’re supposed to be 6ft apart and really not supposed to go out unless for basic necessities? If you live in the US and most of Europe- I would take this time to not go out and take care of yourself at your home.
Raven
Sorry Mae,
Taking a ‘break’ is a chicken sh!t way of breaking up…You either work together to fix things or break up…
Again, how convenient of him to put you on hold.
Newbie
I think you totally neglect the fact he is tired of this relationship, meaning he is tired of the dynamics and tired of you. Why continue with a man who is tired of you? But you act like the opposite. Trying all the tricks in the book to make him curious about you. Thats all superficial stuff while after almost 2 years you should talk about deep stuff when it comes to a shared future and like real partners. So to me it sounds you two never bonded on a more meaningful level while in the meantime you got clingy (and making him the center of the universe), while he got distant and maybe controlling (the passwords). So all i can say is: thank the bf for taking his break as its more clear now you are not in a healthy relationship dynamic. So i would break up
Mae
Thankyou, newbie and raven. Yeah, I think I will just message him later and talk to him. It hurts so much but yeah, maybe it’s best for us to just break up. I actually want to personally talk to him about our relationship, but we don’t have the opportunity to meet because of the lockdown.
It hurts so much I feel like I can’t do it, but I’ll do my best and face my fears.
Newbie
What are your fears? Breaking up isnt easy and will take time to grieve but it also opens new windows. You wont dissolve or die. Maybe you gave the man too much power. Take it back. Its yours, not his
Newbie
But you dont need to rush it since youre in lock down now. Think about the relationship as it was past months. Did it contribute to your happiness? You feel like he has your back? You said you had a few fights. What were they about and got it resolved? How are both your communication skills. Like i said i have the feeling its a very superficial relationship but im not in it. You can say for sure how it is
Mae
I fear losing him.
I somehow feel like it’s best to just end things as early as possible, I think it’ll hurt more if I will wait until the lockdown is over (bc I think it’ll be extended). We had our “break” for 3 weeks now and I realized many things during this break. I realized many things today, as well. You’re right, I gave him too much power and I don’t think I still want to deal with it. The relationship was great, he gave me so much happiness but also gave me so much pain. I realized this relationship is not healthy for the both of us and I’m not getting the things I need/want & deserve, I honestly realized it way before but I just ignored that thought.
I also feel like he is just waiting for me to break up with him. So I’ll give it to him. Now, I just don’t know how and what to tell him. Any advice?
Mae
Also the fact that he told me “I’m done”, I think that means he’s really done with me and our relationship. I don’t want to force things anymore.
Newbie
Yeah it feels he like to play with your feelings and heart. And that he likes you to grovel (im not sure its spelled like that). Also i think a guy that has to log in on your social media every day is borderline controlling. Who does that? Its good you changed the passwords. He doesnt deserve to check up on it. He is being wishy washy for 3 weeks now with his gf of 2 years and isnt clear on what he wants. I would be totally fed up with him.
Mae
Giving each other’s passwords is somehow a common part of relationships in our country, kinda like a toxic culture (LOL I don’t get it either. I also didn’t like the thought of sharing passwords but I still did because I felt like I’m obligated to do so)
I don’t know what to tell him. Should I just keep it short? Can I tell him how much I love him or is that a bad idea? I want to approach him positively (idk if that’s possible), because I’m not mad at him. I’ve never tried breaking up with my partner in my past relationships (they were the ones who broke up with me) so I don’t really have any idea
Newbie
You have to be sure you are done.
From my perspective: i assume you made mistakes, but you dont deserve to be left hanging on where you stand. And since he is not willing to talk about this with you like two adults, you realIzed this relationship is not working for you either. You love him but not to the extend you want to fix what is wrong since he isnt budging.
I would say something like that -
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