Taking a "break" with my confused boyfriend

Don’t you think you deserve better?

Trust me, as soon as you meet a new guy you’ll be done with this one!

Mae,

I believe when your boyfriend said he wanted to take a break from the relationship but not an actual breakup, he was feeling confused and unsure about what he wanted. This is natural as people need time to sort out their feelings. But when he realised that you’ve changed your password, he may have taken it as a sign that you’re pulling away. It doesn’t matter that he changed his password 1yr ago as well. The fact that you changed yours right after he asked for a “break”, it becomes not ok. By not ok I’m not referring to the principle of privacy (you of course have every right to change your pw without informing him), I’m referring to human perception which often comes from a very subjective place… the subtleties being read. Anyway, IMO this is a small matter as compared to the bigger issue within your relationship.

You said you’ve been having fights. What are they about and are they resolvable? We all have our boundaries so are these issues pushing yours or his? If not, why can’t they be worked out? If yes, is it worth holding on? We all get stuck in relationships because we have a hard time letting go of our feelings.

You said as long as you still love him, you won’t be sure if you’re really done, but in reality we need to do the reverse. We need to let go first and then let our feelings slowly fade over time.

Yes Ellie, We’ve had a lot of fights and most of them aren’t fully resolved and these fights are over chat only. It’s unusual for us to fight whenever we’re together (but ofc we do sometimes), and everytime we fight over the phone we just automatically become okay once we’re already together personally like nothing happened. Everytime I open up our fight and tried to talk to him about it to resolve or clear things, he always avoid it and just hugs or kiss me and be sweet to me just to let me know that we are already okay. Maybe that is also one factor why we can’t fix our current problem, we don’t have the chance to meet because of the lock down.

The other day he told me “I’m done” but didn’t clear out if he is pertaining to our relationship and just started ignoring my messages. I have decided to give him 3 days, and if he can stand not talking to me for 3 days that means he really is done with me. Today is the third day and I am now preparing myself to message him later to talk about our relationship for the last time. If he will still give me the “I’m confused blahblah i don’t know what I want” answer or if he’ll tell me he really is done with me then I will just end things and break up with him.

I think it matters a lot what the subjects of those fights are, who starts them and why its with texting. It could explain where the toxicity comes from and why our bf is tired of this dynamic. If both if you do want to continu this fighting over text has to stop. Its forbidden to do. And develop better communication skills and an adult look on live. Youre almost 2 years in. Both of you either have to decide to call it quits or get better at it.

Thankyou Newbie and Alia. The fights always include past mistakes and blaming. I realized our relationship isn’t moving forward because we are still stucked with the past, mostly him.

A while ago he finally messaged me and asked about some stuff then I felt like I have to ask him if we really are over so I did. he replied with “For us. Maybe things will be better this way.”, now I finally got my answer. I told him I just needed this closure and thanked him for everything. He added “I’m still not sure if breaking up with you is the right decision though, but I don’t know what else I could do.” I told him that I believe when you truly want something you will always be sure about it and that we only have two choices, either fix this together or just end it. He still answered with “I’m not sure” and “I don’t know” so I guess this is really over. I didn’t reply anymore and just walked away, I already got the answer I’m waiting for anyway. He is clearly still confused and I’ve been asking myself why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t fight for me and isn’t sure about me? I don’t want to be the one who does everything just to make him stay. Just thinking about it drains me already, I want to be with someone who will do everything for me as much as I will do everything for him.

He also said sorry that he wasnt able to answer my questions, he said he has a lot of things he wanted to tell me but they’re just better left unsaid.

Yes, thankyou K. He said that we could still meet & talk in person (like what I said that I wanted), I could just set when (ofcourse after the lockdown) if I want to. If I don’t , he told me it’s fine as well because it’ll just be the same anyway. But then he said he is honestly not sure if he’ll want to meet me because it’s hurting him. I told him I want to and I will set, but today I realize that maybe it’s better if we don’t meet. I think it’ll just be harder for us both, and I’m planning to not tell him that because the fact that he isn’t sure if he wants to meet me means a no to me and I don’t want to look like I’m still chasing him so I’ll just really leave him alone.

He also asked me to block him because it hurts him to see my all over the social media, but I don’t feel like blocking him so I won’t do it. I already gave him the things he wanted and honestly blocking people isn’t just my thing (I can manage not stalking them & checking their profile so I don’t think I need to do it), he could do it to me if he wants to tho and I won’t mind.

He didn’t respond to me quite positively when I told him my goodbye & thanked him for everything, he was hot and cold. It seemed to me that he was still picking up small fights (like when I told him I’ll finally set him free & I’ll set myself free as well, he responded with “Yeah, you’re now free. Free to be with your friends all you want now.” & he didn’t pay attention to most of the things I said like it doesn’t really matter) but was still somehow sweet (told me that he loves me and it’ll never fade). I feel a little bad because I don’t want us to be that bitter-ex-lovers and I wanted to end things in a good way because I’m not mad at him despite of everything but it seems that it wasn’t just the same for him.

I’ll do my best to focus on myself and move forward. It really is hard for me, it hurts so much I feel like I’m dying but I understand this will pass & everything will get better. Writing to you guys is making me better and reading all your advices are really helping me since I don’t really have anybody to talk to with about my current situation. Thankyou guys! I really appreciate all of your replies.