Talked to my guy about the "deep regret of my last text"

Kat
The way I read it, he is only offering friendship which has the potential for FWB if you agree to keep seeing him and it turns intimate…

Like most women, you want him so badly it seems you went into ‘convincing mode’ when you spoke with him and are now twisting what he said into a possible ‘he may grow to love me if we stay friends.’ I know.. we have all been there at some point. I can recall having done this in the past. The reality is that he didn’t seek you out… you had to call him. His comment about thinking on texting you is lame. Had he wanted to, he could have contacted you first.

One thing of note is that he is putting you in pursuer role by casting you as the problem. Note that he says, 1) he could not make you happy: you were always getting mad at him, and 2) you didn’t like him seeing the ex.

The problem with the above statements is that it takes him out of the equation and puts you on the defensive. It makes you believe that if only you changed YOUR ways, things could work out. Do you see what he did? He is actually not taking any blame for things not working. Not acknowledging he has to change anything. He is saying if you do want to keep seeing him, it has to be on his terms. I translate this to mean 1) at most you would get FWB and 2) he will continue with ex and doing what he wants because he is setting this up to be casual.

This is how we end up getting hurt. This is not a chick flick and men don’t typically function this way. Once you get put into a category (friend, FWB, GF/wife material) you don’t get moved.

I would keep my options open and not put too much into him. I know you really like him. So much so, you reached out. But as ladies said on previous thread, this man isn’t looking for a relatinship with you and I don’t believe any of your texts or actions pushed him away… after 4 months he would know if you were ‘the one’ or not.

Thanks, Ladies. Those are interesting points you make LAgirl. I should clarify, although we have known each other for 4 months, we did not date the whole time. We went out a couple of times, then split because he said he didn’t have time to date due to a couple of promotions he was concentrating on for work, as well as at the time only having been split from his ex for 2.5 months, moving from their old place (she had already moved out), and a couple of other things. When he told me all this, he did say he wished we had not met each other “this year.” I am in grad school, so I was busy, too. So, it seemed the timing was just not right.

We touched base a couple of times during the split. I initiated, but he always responded right away. The last time, we had gone without communicating for 7 weeks. It was then he asked me out again. When we reconnected was when he started with the exclusivity talk, etc.

So, during the 4 months we’ve known each other, we only were together for about less than have of that time. We only went on 4 dates.

I don’t believe I went into convincer mode, though. It had been two weeks since my last text. I simply contacted him now to let him know I did feel badly and was sorry for whatever I had done to have things end the way they did. I do not agree I am 100% to blame. I agree he could have stepped up and done some things differently, too. But, you are right, he doesn’t seem to be doing that. I think by him saying he’s not ready, that is the only explanation he can (or wants to give.) I am not sure he is really trying to put this all on me (but maybe he is.)

We both actually acknowledged that neither of us can seem to do anything right. He said he always seems to make me angry and I told him it was because of the disappearing acts and my interest level causing me to act out of character. I did explain I am usually very reserved and fickle.

My friends do believe I was way into this guy before I should of been, that we were not on the same page, and I did not allow the relationship to grow naturally. With this, I do agree. If I had stepped back and let things unfold more and not let my insecurity get the best of me, then MAYBE things would have been different. But, maybe not.

I fell for him without really knowing him well. Perhaps if we had gotten to know one another better, than I would have found I didn’t really like him as much as I thought. I am not sure if we hang out as friends if I will continue to like him or find out more about him and decide we wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

Are you saying it’s not possible for him to just not be ready for a relationship 6 months outside of a 3.5 year relationship? Adding this child to the mix really complicates things as I think he considers himself her father.

And, from what friends of mine who are parents tell me, the mom is a package deal with the kid. Is it not possible he is spending time with them both only because he has to in order to see the kid? Or do you think he still has feelings for his ex and is just keeping me on the backburner?

KAT,

Attaching yourself to a man who just came out of a relationship is a recipe for disaster and heartache. When one goes through a break-up or divorce they must go through several stages/steps before they can even THINK about getting into another relationship. Although everyone’s situation is different based on the degree of the break-up ranging from very low (better friends than lovers) to very high (animosity), there’s a healing curve involved before they can even THINK about entering into another relationship.

The first phase, which he’s in, is when one is needs to get their ego stroked to know they’re still attractive to the opposite sex and majority of the rebounds takes place. However, this is a short-term fix that can last between one to 5/6 months before they’re compelled to start DEALING with the break-up by properly grieving and healing which can last 1 to several years, again depending upon the person and length/level of the break-up.

You need to let him properly go through the stages because he’s not even CLOSE to giving his heart to another woman again—his ex still has it.

Sweetness, I am going to be less polite than these other ladies. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop listening to the part where he says you are gorgeous and there is a connections and he “almost” contacted you and pay attention to his actions.

You are not on the backburner. Period. You do all the calling, you do all the contacting and you do all of the keeping this together. That is not being on the backburner, it is not even having been brought into the house.

The reason is irrelevant and you can spend a ton of time trying to mechanize a way that he will get over his fear, be done with this women, get him to like you better, create a unicorn that will bring you back together, but doesn’t that seem like way too much work when you can – FIND A MAN WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU without all this drama?

NEVER EVER EVER EVER remain friends with a man you are interested in. At best, you are only friends forever, at the middle you become FWB – which is even more confusing, at worst you get dumped because you supported him by being a doormat. Yes, at this point, if you engage with him as a friend and support him through whatever bull honkey stuff he is going through, you will get the shaft for a woman who would not take the crumbs on offer. He will use you to get better and then move on.

You are all probably right. I am a fool!

I agree with everything that the other ladies have said and I have been in your shoes before. Some guys will tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you on a string, while also telling you the truth about what they are feeling. We tend to sometimes ignore the “what they are feeling” part and only hear the the “what you want to hear” part. Do yourself a favor and delete his number, email, Facebook or any other means that you use to keep up with him. If you can’t contact him, then you can’t check up on him randomly and you will slowly forget about him. Out of sight, out of mind. It will only benefit you in the long run.

Kat – sorry you had a bad birthday yesterday… Once you let go, you will feel better soon….

It really comes down to they are not ready for a relationship…. yes, he likes you, but he also likes his newly reclaimed freedom, he also likes the opportunity to get to know (and sleep with) 100 different women….Only time can change his mentality….

The guy I was trying to date for the last 6 months is a SVP at a biotech firm… I am a finance director at pharmaceutical company… We are 12 years apart… I am divorced for 2 years, and he is just going thru divorce…

He told me all the time that he likes me, that I am the only one that he is seeing, that I am the only one that got beyond 1 date….Which gave me lots of hope even though he rarely initiates anything…

Then last week, he told me he met another woman, slept with her, but had no plan with her at all… That is a wake up call for me, and I realized that he is just not ready….

Move on……

Just yesterday I met a recently separated man, and he says he would like to date me. I told him it would be a disaster…. and he swears he is ready. UGH. There is NO way he is ready.

I see how it takes time to work through the process of grief when a relationship ends. He is craving validation, intimacy, everything…. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights, even though he was the one that initiated the marriage’s end.

Yeah…. @Sherri, I am observing the same thing as you are. I would never date him, I’m not sure if I would years from now. It would be a safe friendship with me, and also a science experiment, to be able to watch him go through the whole process.

That is a kind, compassionate way to handle that Sherri.

Kat,

One more question for you. Does your friend hesitate to commit to specific times when you ask if he wants to get together. My friend always answers with “I’ll let you know”, or “We’ll see”, which I feel is inconsiderate of my time. Then, later the same day, or the next day, when the impulse strikes her, she’ll invite me over and expect me to drop whatever I’ve got planned to meet her at the last minute. And, me, being the sucker I am, do just that. She even said last week that she knows she has me “over a barrel” and that she toys with me like that simply because “she can”. Yet, she is not a cruel person at all. Direct and blunt at times, yes. But not mean-spirited.

Thanks Harley. Appreciate your comment. The weird things is, Dee, my “friend”, acknowledges the exact same thing. She says she thinks I’m handsome, smart, a “great guy”, in her own words. But, at the same time, she admits she’s unable tio let a guy get close to her, emotionally. I’ve never been in such a tumultuous relationship as this, and I’ve been in quite a few. It’s been an emotional roller-coaster, with fluctuations on an hour-by-hour basis. Some days she’ll call me 3 or 4 times, then the next, she’ll act like she doesn’t care either way if we connect or not.

Sorry love…. she’s USING YOU …………… as soon as “the right guy” comes along, you’ll be dumped soooo fast, your head will spin.

People HAVE TO DECIDE. She can’t have it ALL.. yet GIVE you nothing. It’s NOT fair. You can stick around, HOPING she will committ.. but I don’t think she will.

IF… you back off…. she just MAY miss you.