Talked to my guy about the "deep regret of my last text"

Terry,

Oh my heart is aching for you. Please listen carefully to me and the other ladies on here. My dad is going through a very similar situation and sounds just like you. You are validating her bad behavior and allowing her to behave this way, Eric and Sabrina wrote an email about this you are making excuses for her and trying to validate how things by saying “if she didn’t have strong feelings she would do…..” I am sorry to tell you but she will treat you this way as long as you let her and she will do it until she finds someone else and it wont be you. Her behavior has no excuses, you need to back way off and not talk to her. Its the same as a child if a child is going to throw a fit and treat the people around them like crap they will continue to do so until they are punished for it. You are enabling this behavior and you need to show that you no longer appreciate it. I am sorry But LOVE isn’t enough, LOVE does not concure all, you can not have a relationship based only on love. it doesn’t work that way. She doesn’t respect you and you deserve to be respected.

And I know you will say the same as everyone else including my Dad ” Yeah I get it” However I am afraid that you will continue down this road with her and get very hurt.

sorry ‘deserve more’

Hi Terry…I’m from Ireland and blunt… the others all know me well. So… I’ll call a spade a spade and spare the bullshit, DEE…. is treating you like consummate shite ! She’s coming across as narcisistic ( I can never s.p.e.l.l that word !) to me.. being horrid, then nice, justifying her own bad behaviour… and sucking you right back in each time. She gives you enough rope to give you hope, and then reels you back in, and off with your head… a gutted fish.

perhaps she does not mean it.. but she’s doing it. I would seriously consider moving on. WE cannot change our partners… THEY have to want to change. 2 are needed to make a relationship work… YOU… are only 1 at the moment.

Hi Harley,

I’m Canadian, but of Irish ancestry (family from Galway and Cork), so I get the direct approach of which you speak, lol. You’ve nailed it. I suspect she’s part narcissist and part borderline personality disorder, because, as I said in my initial post, she left an abusive 22-year marriage four years ago with no money, or self-esteem, or feeling of worthiness (a common theme, sadly, among abused women).

That said, since that time, she has re-built her life. She’s the general manager of the local branch of a large multinational corporation and is very dedicated to her work, though some might describe her as a workaholic. That’s the upside of the “new Dee”: more self-confidence. Now the downside: because she had felt powerless and lacking any control when with her physically and verbally abusive ex, she now seems to be obsessed with being the one in control, whether it’s her job, or personal life. By keeping me feeling insecure and unsure of where I stand with her, she retains the control, leverage and power in our arrangement.

Just as children who were molested often, tragically, grow up to repeat the same heinous behaviour as adults. I suspect that it’s the same with some, not all perhaps, but some women who have left abusive marriages: they’re determined to never, ever again be powerless and lacking control in a relationship. The bizarre irony of this pattern, however, and this is where I’ve been negatively impacted, is that they take out their uinresolved power/control issues regarding their ex’s on well-meaning, decent, innocent men like me, whose only crime is that they tried to love them. That’s how I see Dee’s conduct, though others may disagree, since there is much to tell that she has said and shown that I could never cover in these modest posts (given the time and space constraints).

Hi Lane,

Thanks, and I agree. I sometimes feel like I am a co-dependent. The things is, she knows she hasn’t worked through the unresolved issues from her previous abusive relationship. In fact, just last week, we were talking about our individual strengths and weaknesses and she, without any prompting, admitted that one of her weaknesses is that she doesn’t let men get close to her.

The problem, however, is that even though she is aware of it, she hasn’t really done anything to sort it out, as in seeking counselling. She told me that she attended a support group for abused women in the city she used to live in when she was staying at a shelter after she left her ex, but that was four years ago.

I even went so far as to get the names of local support groups for women in her situation from a counsellor I see for my own issues and, while she thanked me for the brochures, she has never acted on the suggestion. So, as the old saying goes, you can’t help those who won’t help themselves.

Ah… but decent people can’t be assholes… nor should they be. I’m a hopeless romantic… fall in love at the drop of a hat.. get treated like shite half the time. Since I found this site, I’ve set my standards higher, learned how to weed out ” bad partners”. I COULD have been more cautious after my marriage ended… it’s taken me 7 yrs to find a guy I really “want” again( typical.. he don’t want me !) but.. I decide to LIVE life, not just exist. I’m a survivor… I believe in “fully” giving in love, so much my heart splits and if the guy don’t love me back, too bad, his loss… I’ll move on. Life is TOO short to not take chances on people and to love to the max ! But… i think one needs to know WHEN to cut their losses/ to NOT hang on and drag a BAD/SAD/INCOMPLETE relationship out.. until each hate each other… or one ( YOU ) is completely worn down/out, insecure, browbeaten.

This poor woman is a mess… half a man hater/man basher….. that is NOT fair to you. ARE you getting more out of this relationship , than you are putting in ???…I don’t think so ! ARE you getting /giving 50/50 ???… I don’t think so ! ARE you having more happy times, than sadder times ????…. I don’t think so !

WE ALL DESERVE to be with someone who makes us happy MORE often than sad.. and when sad… WE work through it… TOGETHER. Each day is a gift, as we get older, come out of crap relationships, experience death of family, friends, loved ones, WE realise TIME is sooo precious. I would rather be on the shelf now than inn the wrong closet. I would rather dine on one night of mad, passionate, life remembering love, than settle for a day in , day out NOT WORKING relationship again.

7 yrs it’s taken me to find ONE night of heaven again ( and I am NOT a man basher !)…. hopefully next time will not take so long !

I think… If she really loved you… she’d seek help/try and WANT to be a nicer person. YOU.. cannot fix what is broken. YOU can HELP…. but SHE has to want and start to fix herself.

I vote… save your sanity/self esteem/ self worth… pull the plug and move on now. The initial heartache is horrendous but your pride of ” self love ” WILL be worth it.

No… never been. I had to sell my house with recession here. I’m out of debt but not much money to start again.. but I WILL ! I have a good pensionable Govt job so loathe to leave that. .. And a 20yr old son who just can’t get his act together.

IF.. I could get as good a job abroad… I’d be gone like a shot ! I’ve gotten sooo fed up of high taxes here and the workers paying or everything.

Since I got out of debt, I’ve gallivanted to London, Glasgow and Germany… was there for the world cup. Electric ! Next… who knows !

@Terry, thanks for your input. I am sorry to hear you are going through what does seem to be quite similar to what I am. I am concerned, though, about the direct comments your lady has made to you about having you over a barrel, etc. It makes me think she is manipulating you and is not afraid to tell you as much. IMO, she is definitely giving you mixed signals by keeping in touch, but not really making solid plans to get together or to have your relationship move forward.

I do not know how long it takes someone to move past their “issues”, in her case, her bad marriage, but I would think she should be past them after so many years outside of her marriage. But, I have never been in an abusive relationship, so what do I know? That type of thing could haunt you forever…

As mentioned above, my guy was not married to his ex-GF. I do not know if they ever talked marriage. They dated for 3.5 years. I recently learned they knew each other only 6 months before they moved in, so they lived with one another for 3 years. Her now 7 year old daughter lived with them. I do not know if the kid’s father is in the picture, but I believe my guy considers himself to be her dad.

They have been broken up for 6 months. He broke up with her as he says she was not ambitious enough for him. But, they are still spending time with each other. It seems because of the child. I do not know if he still has feelings for his ex. When I first learned of this situation he did tell me he had not figured out to remove himself from the situation. It seems to me that 6 months outside of his relationship, they should be figuring this out better. I do not know the frequency with which they spend time, but do know he went to her recital and then took her to the fair. These events took place within two weeks of each other. For all I know, they are spending even more time together. While I probably have no place to judge, this seems excessive to me. For everyone involved, he and his ex need to prepare themselves and this little girl for the final “break-up.” At some time, all of them need to move on.

My guy is the most perplexing and exhausting person I have ever had a relationship with. As for him making plans with me, he can be evasive and non-committal. But, I do not know if that is just with me or his personality. As I mentioned above, he is a police detective, so it may just be his nature. He told me early on “he plans day to day”…

I do know when I first met him in person, he was moving the next day. When I went to his home, he had not packed anything, nor where there even moving supplies there! It took him three weekends to move as a result. That is crazymaking!

He is also a smart ass, so it is hard to pin him down sometimes as he is always making some snarky comment. (I actually like sarcasm and am this way myself, but it can be confusing when you are just getting to know someone and their personality.) When he and I first split a few months back, we were exchanging some texts and at one point, he said “you are madly in love with me, so it wouldn’t matter ;)” This made me stand up straight. I responded by saying “you are too much.” Then, we did not “talk” for 7 weeks.

We then reconnected. This rekindling of our relationship is now broken which is why I’ve been posting. When we reconnected, he suggested we go on a “proper date.” But, after some back and forth, he didn’t firm up plans. By the end of the week, I was so irritated with him, I texted him saying “I do not know what foolish games you are playing, but enjoy the ego boost as that is all you are “winning”. You are a waste of my time.”

He came running back immediately texting me multiple messages saying I had him all wrong. It took me hours to respond back to him, but I eventually agreed to meet him. It was the next day we got together and he reminded me of the amazing guy I remembered and he stepped up. Sadly, things came crashing down once I found out about the ex and her child.

I really believe he is a good guy. But, I just don’t know why he can’t pull his head out of his butt and get in line. We have great times when we are together with our dates lasting 4-6 hours each time. We are very affectionate with each other and have good conversations. I really believe he is conflicted due to this situation with his ex and only being 6 months out of his relationship.

I think about him all the time and really want to continue seeing him. I believe he sees me as relationship material and that is the reason why he goes missing (since he says he doesn’t want a relationship.) I do not know if he just doesn’t want one with me or maybe his ex is still trying to get him back. I find it impossible to believe he just doesn’t want one with me because of how we are with one another. He may be conflicted with his situation or he may also at some time think he just wants to play the field before he settles down again. He does seem to think he rushed into his last relationship by moving in with the ex after only knowing her 6 months…

I will add, too, that he and I have not talked to each other since Tuesday night. So, I am going on day 4 and miss him terribly. We ended our call with me saying I’m not sure we can be friends. My best guy friend and a number of my girlfriends tell me by saying that, he heard “no, go away.” That I completely closed the door with him and that he will not reach out to me again.

It is true I do not want to just be friends with him and do not believe we can just be friends due to our strong attraction to one another. I definitely do not want to be friends with benefits! I may be stupid, but I do wonder if he and I were to hang out, if we back it way up, remove the pressure, and start dating again slowly over time…

My good guy friend and some of my girlfriends say I should consider this as a possibility. They say I should reach out to him again casually in a few weeks if I don’t hear from him. He may really think I never want to hear from him again, so he may not reach out to me. And, if we go a long time with NC, maybe “out of sight, out of mind” for him?

On the other hand, if he thinks by my statement about not being sure about being friends, might this cause him to pull his head out of his butt and step up?

I am so confused as I am getting advice that seems to be all over the place. I know only he knows how he really feels or thinks. Since I cannot seem to do anything right with this guy, I do not know what, if anything, I should do.

Yep Diane.. I agree. just did what you did. KAT.. ONLY reach out if you are in a fit mental state/ non emotional TO BE friends… you DO NOT want /hope for MORE AND MOST IMPORTANT… you do NOT let him suck you back in.

You have to reach the point of no return within yourself !

Hi Kat,

Thanks for your observations. Your story struck a chord in me precisely because of the numerous similarities in behaviour with your guy as with my gal. Like him, she told me no more than a week ago that she doesn’t like to make plans, is extremely non-commital when trying to firm up plans, and also very impulsive/impetuous (can change her mind on a dime). Sound familiar.

My gal left early this morning (6 am) to head to her hometown (3 hour train ride away). I woke up at 8 am and within minutes, lo and behold, there’s a text from her saying “Hi Terry, on train now. Hope you have a great weekend! Talk when I get back”). Go figure. Her initiating contact with me, out of the blue, and she hates texting.

This is what I’ve been talking about with her mixed messages, unpredictable behaviour: one day indifferent & distant; the next, affectionate and friendly. I don’t know about you & your guy, but as far as I’m concerned this kind of hot & cold behaviour only serves to keep me off-balance, because, while when she acts like she did this morning, it leads me to think that perhaps she cares more about me than she has previously led on. But, then, before I get too hopeful, I remind myself that she’s done this before, only to act like she could care less whether or not we get together the next time. And, sometimes, even when we do hang out, she treats me almost liek I were a same-sex, platonic friend, rather than a sexual partner. Yet, for the first couple of months, and intermittently in the last two, when we do get intimate, the chemistry sure is there & the sparks fly! She’s never complained about the sexual part of our relationship.

Confusing & exhausting, isn’t it?

True again Harley!!

You are, indeed, a wise woman. She was on the train, early in the morning, knew most of her friends & family would still be asleep on a Saturday morning, but “reliable”, fawning Terry would be awake and even if I wasn’t, would snap to once I saw the text was from her.

But, now, as we’re well into mid-day (North American EST), and all her hometown crowd are around, if I texted her now, I likely would get a response til well into the night, if not tomorrow morning.

Funny thing is, though, going back to the ambivalent signals she sends, we got into an argument Tuesday night, in which she says I said some pretty harsh things (probably because I spoke from the heart, seeing that I was somewhat inebriated, instead of walking on eggshells as I usually do). To be frank, I’m embarrassed to say I don’t recall much of the conversation due to my altered state, lol.

Nonetheless, the next morning she calls to invite me over for supper and to “talk” about what transpired the night before. I went, but worried all day that she was going to dump me when I got there. When I told her of my apprehension, she said, “If I was going to break up with you, I would have you come all the way to my house, or waste my food on you”.

I found her response to be an interesting choice of words, because ever since we began dating, she was adamant that we weren’t a couple and weren’t in a relationship. Perhaps it was just a careless choice of words on her part, but from my perspective, if she referred to what I was fearing would happen (which didn’t, incidentally) as “breaking up”, it is impossible to do so without acknowledging that you’ve been in some sort of relationship in the first place.

Am I wrong in this assumption? Or, so you think it’s just a slip of the tongue kind of deal?