Talked to my guy about the "deep regret of my last text"

Thank you very, very much Lane. You’ve pretty much–and very succinctly, I might add–encapsulated exactly what I’ve suspected is the case with Dee. Even though I’ve never met her ex, nor do I want to, Dee has at times referred to certain traits and tendencies in me that she finds very similar to her ex. Not the abusive part, of course, but other characteristics that he and I, in her opinion, share.

Now, whether these alleged similarities between myself and her ex are actually real, only she knows for sure. Sometimes I think she has manufactured these similarities (“red flags”, as they say) in her own mind to rationalize her inability/unwillingness to let her feelings for me grow.

LA Girl:

Applying a little “tough medicine”, are we? I was actually acting on the advice of one of the other women on here, who suggested that, the next time she called, do not make myself seem available, even if it meant telling a little white lie. I thought it was good advice,actually, so that’s why I reacted the way I did when she called yesterday.

It may not have been how you would choose to handle a similar scenario were you in my place, and that’s fine, we’re all unique and different individuals who respond to a given situation in a way that makes sense to us at the time. You’re entitled to your opinion about my chosen strategy, as am I.

Thanks again,

Terry

Terry, Kat and others here…
I cannot add much to what the other wise women have, but wanted to with you all the strength to do what you know is right in your heart and that the situations you are in are not healthy and your SO’s are not contributing to YOUR life as you are to theirs.
As a recovering codependent, I struggle with this everyday and lived it for decades.
I do not know what my current relationship will bring in the future, but I am living it for today and know that I am with a person who makes me feel better when I am with him, instead of worse. Should that change, I hope I have the strength address it, rectify the situation and if that doesn’t work, walk away. Life is to short to settle for crumbs.

Yeah, I am sad about my situation. And, I am confused and angry at times. I met this guy when he was 2.5 months outside of his 3.5 year relationship. That should have been a red flag for me. But, he seemed at the time like he was moving on. And, when we reconnected recently, he was 6 months out of the relationship. To me, that seemed like an adequate healing period. Unbeknownst to me until then, he was still “spending time with his ex and her child.” While he is doing so regularly, I do not think he will be able to move on.

I have been in LT relationships before and, depending on the nature of the relationship/breakup, I didn’t seek a relationship right away or I moved on very quickly. I do not recall ever making the declarative statement I was not ready for a relationship; I recall being open to meeting new people and who knows what would happen.

One guy I dated for 1.5 years and the night we broke up, I met the man I later married! I also spent 3 years in a relationship and had no trouble moving on after that. I had moved on emotionally from that relationship long before I did physically.

So, I guess that is why I did not possibly heed a warning about the red flag this guy may have had. I find the time needed to get over a relationship varies.

I REALLY liked this guy and was (am) hoping we could have something. But, he is clearly not in that place. I do not really know why. My thoughts about us being something in the future could likely be wishful thinking or foolish hope.

Do I take him at his word that he is “newly single and not looking to rush into anything.”? Or is he feeding me a line? Is he suggesting we be friends now because he really does enjoy spending time with me (and just can’t be in a relationship ‘right now’ as he says)? Or is he again feeding me a line to soften the blow or is he just wanting to keep me around for an ego boost or setting me up for FWB? Was I his rebound girl? Did he ever really have any feelings for me? Does he still have feelings for his ex and desire to get back with her?

These questions run through my head and cause me sadness, confusion and, at times, anger. My thoughts and “conclusions” about these questions change throughout the day.

And, yeah, since the issue with the ex and her child seemed to be the cause of our demise, I still feel guilty about the way I reacted to or handled the news about his ex and her child (despite my recent call with him wherein I apologized for what I had done to contribute to the way things went down between us.) Not being someone who remains friends with my exes and not having dated anyone with kids before, this news hit me like a ton of bricks. I still don’t think my reaction was that bad that he should have shut down. Should he have told me about this upfront or explained it better? Who knows – the answer to this question seems to depend on who is answering it as I have heard various responses. Maybe if he had been forthcoming, I would have processed the news better?

I have a very active social life and am spending lots of time out with friends. I am open to meeting new people, but am not really actively looking for someone right now. I am able to distract myself temporarily, but my mind is almost always brought back to him.

So, if all the feelings I am having and expressing in trying to process all of this one week after our last communication is making me pathetic, then I guess I am. I think it just makes me human and missing someone I very likely met at the wrong time.

Hi Maria,

In response to your question about why I choose to stay her her, even though she doesn’t treat me very well, I would have to say it’s the former, that I love her and have been willing to “take the good with the bad”, although there seems to be more bad than good of late.

I want her to get help for the unresolved issues related to her past abusive relationship, for two reasons. First, because I believe that she is, at heart, a good person; and secondly, because I’ve seen glimpses of how much she really does care for me, but strongly suspect that the unresolved abuse issues have held her back from allowing herself to trust her feelings for me.

Confusing, I know. Trust me, nobody is more confused about why I feel the way I do for her than me. But, that’s how it is. I wish I didn’t feel as I do, because then my mind would be more at peace and my life could go back to being on an even keel, instead of the gut-wrenching roller coaster ride it’s turned into in the last few months.

And, just to set the record straight for all the ladies on here who have been kind enough to offer their insights into my dilemma, it may seem like I’m only focussing on Dee’s issues, but that’s not the case. I see a social worker on a weekly basis and while I speak to her about my struggles vis-a-vis Dee, I’m also trying to understand what’s going on inside my own head that is preventing me from doing what I know is best for me, which, as everybody else can see (even Dee, believe it or not), would be to cut my losses and move on.

As the saying goes, I’m a work in progress on that front, I guess.

Hi Kat,

My heart goes out to you because, though the particulars of our respective situations obviously differ, I can identify 100% with the emotions you are experiencing. Looking back on some of the text conversations I’ve had with Dee over tha past week, I’m stunned by the changes in tone from one day, or even within the same day, to another. One time, my texts will be calm, affectionate, funny, etc….and another time, they’re angry, full of pain and hurt and resentment.

I know it’s not much consolation to you, if any at all, but at least you know there’s someone else out there going through exactly the sme kind of turmoil and anguish as you are, and, regrettably, that’s me, lol.

Celeste,

Just curious, how did you post a picture that appears alongside your name?

Hi Diane,

Thanks for the feedback and the comparison with your friend. The strange thing about my situation that differs from your friend’s, though, si the following: when Dee & I first met (4 months ago), it was she who sought me out. Heck, at first she wanted me (sexually) so much that, when I was without a vehicle for a few weeks and out of work (I have a new job now), she went so far as to offer to pay for a taxi on several occasions so I could come see her.

In fact, it was she who first told me she thought she was “falling in love with me” and I responded by saying that, while flattered, it wasn’t love, but infatuation. That was only two-three weeks into it. Perversely, shortly after that, I’m the one who started having strong feelings for her, which is approximately around the time she started pulling away emotionally.

I’ve been working very hard and not pushing things and not appearing overly needy–as she has repeatedly told me that, the more I pressure her, the more she withdraws. But, every now & then, I hit a moment of weakness, in which I’ll vent all the frustration, hurt and anger I’ve felt because things aren’t going as I want. All this does is make me feel guilty afterwards, give her more leverage (because she knows the extent to which she has a hold over me), and make me more depressed and insecure.

I’m trying to end this vicious cycle, and seem to be able to for a little while, but not permanently.

Just to be clear, however, it’s not all one-sided. This past weekend, she went back to her home town by train. She left early Saturday morning. She and I last spoke Friday evening. I had just woken up at 8 a.m. and within minutes, there was a text from her, in which she said, “Hi Terry. Have a great weekend”. We exchanged a few more texts for about an hour while she was on the train and then signed off once she reached her destination. I mustered all the self-control I could not to text or call her for the remainder of the weekend, because a). I know she doesn’t really like texting and prefers talking by phone, and b). She was busy with friends and family and I didn’t want to be a pest; and c). I wanted to give the impression that I wasn’t that desperate and was giving her the breathing space she needed.

It seemed to have the intended effect, as she called me shortly after she came home. See, I didn’t initiate the calls or texts the entire weekend.

Then, yesterday, it changed around again. She was at work. I’m on holidays for two weeks. She usually gives me a call around mid-day every day. I don’t demand or expect it. She just does. However, yesterday, 2 o’clock came and went, and no text or call from her. So, I just sent a quick text, “How goes your day”, to which she curtly replied, “Busy”. I replied back “Ahh, Mondays, eh?”. And she simply replied back with “Yes”.

So, I texted “OK, know ur busy. Don’t want to disturb. Call when able”. She called a little later, but I didn’t get it, as I was on my patio having a few beers enjoying to beautiful summer day and had my earphones on. She left a voice mail, saying she had to go to another city a couple of hours away last night for work-related meetings (she had told me about this last week, so I know it’s not an excuse), so I should refrain from texting her while she was away, as she can’t have her cell on during meetings, in which she’d be all day today. She said she’d try to give me a call at some point between last night and today, but gave no specific time.

See the difference in tone between this exchange and her tone on the weekend? I texted saying, “That’s fine, give me a shout when you get settled into your hotel room (last night)”. She did, called me around 8 pm. It was a short conversation, lasting no longer than 5 minutes. I asked how her weekend back home had gone and tried to keep her on the phone for a little while, as we hadn’t spoken for two days at all. But, she abruptly cut the call short, saying she and her co-workers were about to head out for dinner, but that she wanted to call her mom to tell her she’d arrived safe & sound. Obviously, I was feeling a bit shortchanged, and said, “OK, fit me in when you can then”.

At that point she asked if I’d been drinking yesterday and I asked her why she would ask that an she replied “Because I can always tell when you’ve been drinking”. Yes, I had had a few beers, but didn’t think I sounded inebriated or anything. I know I was still very coherent. I texted her an hour or so later, asking, “What made you think I’ve been drinking?”. Still haven’t received a response from her to that question. And on it goes . . . Lol

That’s a tall order, Maria, but I’ll try.

Great !

To put up a pic go to: en.gravatar.com

Ya, I must say NOW i am out of the drama, analysing, second guessing myself stage… overall( give the odd hitch or two.. BOTH work through), relationships are easy.

Boy meets girl

Boy fancies girl

Boy asks girl out

Girl says YES

Boy.. treats girl good

GIRL…. treats boy better !

I’m fully believing these days, life is as simple as we make it. OF COURSE problems will arise… re jobs/family/partners/paying bills/kids/addictions etc etc, IT’S HOW we CHOOSE to deal with these problems and OVERCOME them.. that makes our lives MORE or LESS complex/problematic/dramatic.

Solutions to ANY problem are out there.. if we seek and enact them, face demons, ask for help when we need it.

Certainly everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion but I wholeheartedly disagree with the idea that I like drama! That could not be farther from the truth. I am a well accomplished person and quite reserved and analytical in my approach to every aspect of my life. If I was a drama seeker I could not have gotten the things I have in my life all on my own. It is my analytical side that is causing me pain now. Not the love of drama.

I have been a single and independent woman for a number of years. The fact that I got attached to a guy so quickly is quite out of character for me. As I believe I have stated before I am typically quite fickle and write people off quickly if they are not for me.

Yes this guy has gotten to me. I haven’t felt such a strong interest in someone like this for 15 years though I have dated many guys since then including the one I spent three years with. Including this latest guy I have only felt this reaction to three men in my life, one was my now ex husband and another was someine whom I dated for about 6 months. That one was a LDR so it didn’t have much hope to begin with.

I came to this site to learn from others who may have had similar experiences or who could provide guidance and support for a situation I’ve never found myself in. Buy if I’m going to be critcized or judged then this is not the forum for me.

I do appreciate those who have offered guidance, support, and maybe some constructive criticism. But to make general statements or judgement calls abouy me or that guy as if they are fact is not a good approach. There are many reasons why people do what they do and only that person who is saying or doing the things knows the underlying truth.

@terry and others who may be hurting for various reasons, I do hope you are able to work things out within yourself to find peace of mind. Whether that means we are able to resolve and improve issues with those we are currently involved with or resurrect a “failed” relationship and have it be a good one in the future, only time will tell. The alternative is to let that person go and move on in your own time. Any choice will not be easy when you care for someone.

I for one have long ago deleted all text messages with that guy that we shared for the last 4+ months including the one I refer to as my fatal text. This morning I deleted him from my contacts in my phone.

Who knows if he or I will ever reconnect again. And I do not know that I will be visiting this forum again for the reasons noted above. Again I wish everyone well in their quest for peaceful and happy hearts.

Kat,
I’m sorry if I struck a nerve…. yet your departure is also dramatic.

I am glad that you are looking out for yourself and moving on. I think you did learn a great deal here.

This forum is not all about telling you what you want to hear. Believe me, I have been in very bad relationships myself and am the first to share that experience with those here on the forum.

Very successful people get caught up in drama. They may not like to acknowledge it, but they do. Drama means you can’t let go.. and you are on edge (intentionally) to control the situation and/or allow things to happen to you that are usually not in your best interest.

I am very successful myself in business. I fell prey to an abusive narcissist for 4 years and got sucked into the drama. It wasn’t until I admitted what happened to me that I was able to learn and grow from it.

I don’t know you or that much about you. I am tossing out experiences, as we all do here, so that you might learn if this is what you are dealing with as well.

I’m sorry you take it offensively, yet sometimes, when we strike a nerve it means we are closer to the truth.

I wish you only the best. I also wish you would stay on and help other women learn from your experiences.