Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Text from ex
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Lane.
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Elvira
Hi ladies could you help me understand this message from an ex now a friend:
“You make me so happy why do I feel like I never deserve you. My attitude, drinking and mood swings. I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time. My kids are getting older and still have nothing. I’m having a pity party. It hurts more somedays.”
I wrote here awhile ago about an ex. we don’t have a real relationship other than saying hi on special occasions or talking once in awhile about each other’s lives. He sent me this on Mother’s Day after saying “Happy Mother Days Beautiful Woman” and I am not sure if this is a “goodbye again” message. Most likely he was drinking and I am not sure if this warrants a response since he has not changed reason I have chosen to remain friends.
Anon
It sounds like he was looking for attention. It’s better that you don’t respond when he sends messages like this. That’s a boundary you set. He will not send messages like that to you, respect you more to remain friends and send appropriate messages. Women sometimes blur the boundaries because they are looking for attention- that’s not what you are looking to do here.
Maddie
I agree. Doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with you, don’t read into it. Something else triggered him. He’s either drinking or feeling bad about himself and looking for validation he can’t provide for himself. A man ready to face his issues doesn’t randomly send breadcrumbs like this over text. He makes a therapy appointment and makes plans to see you to seriously discuss things and share what he wants and the actions he’s taking and changes he’s making to get it.
It may be goodbye again for a while if he feels embarrassed about sending this after he’s less triggered or more sober (and doesn’t want to actually deal with it), or if he’s found someone else to validate him. It doesn’t require a reply, but I suppose if you want to reply back because you’re friends, you can say something nice but short and non-committal that isn’t enabling like, “Thanks for the Mother’s Day wishes! We all have bad days, hang in there.” I have an ex who is still a (distant) friend who used to do stuff like this because he had issues, and since my responses were simply polite and friend-appropriate, they didn’t provide the validation hit he was looking for. So he stopped with that sort of nonsense and therefore we *could* actually be friends.
Erin
Hi Elvira
He was probably drunk and honest but most importantly, he has issues he needs help with professionally and medically.
I would just text back
“Thank you for the wishes. I wish you well too and hope some day you will find peace and be in a happy space” then don’t engage further in case he starts unpacking on you, you’re not his therapist.
Lane
I have a different point of view. I have an old ex who “pops in” every two to three years, or so, when he’s facing a inner personal crisis. He’s a child psychologist BTW but he’s still a human being who goes through rough patches, and there is nothing wrong with helping a friend out, when they are going through one.
What I do know is that it makes him feel better, and if you can make someone feel better when they are feeling down and out, I see nothing wrong with it. My boundaries are nothing less than helping someone out who’s going through a rough patch, or personal crisis, no differently than I would do for anyone, male or female, ex, friend, relative, etc. who’s going through one.
He really appreciates my help, thanks me for giving him some inspiration, or guidance; then I don’t hear from him for a few years lol.
Erin
@Lane
One can be supportive without needing to engage.
This guy’s issues strongly indicate he needs professional help and that’s the best she can advise him on. The drinking and mood swings show deep seated psychological issues which take more than a pep talk to straighten out.
Lane
Erin, that’s the guidance she could give him. It’s not about acting like a therapist, or becoming their crutch, its providing them with some positive ideas, information, or guidance, to help them get unstuck from the current mindset they are in.
It should be short, and brief, with simple solutions by staying on point; not engaging in ‘chit chat.’ A brief ‘catch up’ is fine, if a long time has lapsed since you last spoke but it doesn’t mean you have to get into the mud with them, which is where you draw the line (boundary), and cut them off when they do.
Don’t know if that’s the case with Elvira, and her ex, or not, as she knows him better than you or I do. I was just merely saying its not ALWAYS a bad thing to briefly interact with an ex when they are feeling low, or down and out. That’s all.
Maddie
I think being a supportive friend engaging further than a quick acknowledgment works if the text doesn’t start with “You make me so happy why do I feel like I never deserve you.” That’s a fishing expedition text and it’s boundary-crossing right from the start when reaching out to an ex, it’s not just a friend looking for platonic support.
Erin
Maddie, true and it’s kind of creepy as well
Lane
Interesting, as I didn’t see his text the way you see it at all. Elvira clearly said he was an ex that is now “a friend”, who she has been communicating with every once in awhile. I don’t see it as a ‘fishing expedition’ as the text was sent on a special occasion, e.g. Mother’s Day, which appears to fit within their level of communication that she described in her post.
The text appears to be very clear in that she is someone who makes him very happy; is undeserving of her because of his attitude, alcohol, and moodiness. Apologized he wasted her time, that his kids are growing up, and he still has nothing.”
It was either an invitation to a pity party, or he was drunk, and just rambling?
I am not suggesting she attend or become a active participant in his pity party, or drunk party, however, just outright ignoring him is rude. A mere “Thanks for wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. Sounds like you’re going through a rough patch but only you have the ability to change, and improve your life. You know I do wish that for you but you have to do the hard work. Have a great rest of your day!” wouldn’t do any harm.
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