Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Thanksgiving – Family dynamic
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Andrea.
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Chrissy_girl
So this Thanksgiving was the first time I’m meeting my soon to be sister in-law. My fiancé has told me he was a very close relationship with his sister and that he confides in her. I want to also mention my fiancé says their brother whom is also engaged avoids their sister like the plague. Now I’m re-thinking some of the comments and questions she asked me. I’m now kinda understanding why their brother’s fiancé avoids her. I don’t know whether to tread lightly and just let my fiancé knownIm concerned about family involvement I’m relationships or whether I should give specifics???
Rox
Hi Chrissy_girl,
Family dynamics are challenging because they started since childhood. You are a new person to the family and can start “fresh” with all your finacés siblings. Just show them who you are, the internal family gossip doesn’t really apply to you and be open to all.
If your finacé is particularly close with his sister, I would say that shows a feminine side. I always notice when the guys I date have more sisters or brothers and which they are close to, it has defined them a little.
He is showing you and inviting you to meet his family. It should be non-judgemental at this stage.
Hope that helps.Raven
Yes, we need to know what happened…
Dex
DO NOT tread lightly. You’re about to (potentially) marry this guy! Now is the time. if this conversation can’t take place, either because of your own reticence or because he’ll just blow you off or worse (shout, demean, belittle, gaslight you etc), then you definitely shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.
Chrissy_girl
Example 1: She asked me what’s going on with the wedding planning. Well we just got engaged last month. He’s close to his sister and he told me he mentioned last month we’re getting other things settled at the moment before planning. It’s as if he has her thinking I haven’t done anything and there’s no reason. Why would she ask me that after talking with him already and after I told him he was putting too much pressure on me, rushing. Now his sister seemed to be basically asking what’s the problem…
Chrissy_girl
I know she’s a nurse practitioner but we were talking at some point regarding my Dad whom I mentioned has multiple sclerosis. She ended up asking me how tall and how much he weighs. Well, I didn’t seem to understand being asked such an intrusive and particularly offensive question especially if my dad were overweight. He just happens not to be but I thought being a nurse, she’d be sensitive to not ask such a question…she’s not my dads nurse. Kinda strange…or maybe I’m just a bit sensitive…
Ss
I think you are being waaaaay over sensitive! Wedding talk was a convo starter and the stuff with your dad whilst direct was an attempt to help that you didn’t have to take up!
Relax and give her a chance!
Liz Lemon
I’m with Ss. I don’t see that she asked anything offensive or out of line. Asking about the wedding planning was something anyone would do. It’s a basic conversation starter, like Ss said. “It’s as if he has her thinking I haven’t done anything and there’s no reason.” This is YOUR hang-up and YOUR interpretation. You have no idea what she’s thinking.
As for your dad, she may have been trying to help. I assume she asked his height and weight for reason, being a nurse. I don’t think she meant any harm by it.
You come across as if you’re looking for a reason to dislike her. Why does your fiance’s brother “avoid her like the plague”? Did he give you a reason?
mama
Those questions don’t sound too bad. If you don’t want to talk about these things with the sister, you can politely redirect her in another direction and expect to have to keep doing so.
Personally I would be annoyed at the level of sharing regarding your relationship and that has to do with your fiancé, not the sister. Have a talk with him if it bothers you, maybe discuss which topics you’d prefer to keep between the 2 of you.
Lane
I don’t this is going to bode well for you if you are this overly offensive to what I see as natural questions one would ask someone they are trying to get to know because they don’t know them. The wedding is going to be a topic of discussion among the family, yours and his, so if you don’t want to entertain wedding questions then don’t get married. As a nurse, one would expect they will ask probing questions such as this since its their profession. I wouldn’t get uptight over it as she could become a valuable medical asset to you in the future as life can throw curveballs, so I wouldn’t burn that bridge.
Do not embroil yourself in the brother/sister thing. Be Switzerland (remain neutral) and don’t go narcing to your BF or turn him into your mouthpiece. It appears as if you don’t want to like her for some reason, and if that’s the case then limit contact with her but just know it could create family tension, including with your fiance’ since he’s really close to her. Best thing to do is be pleasant to everyone and stay out of the fray.
Chrissy_girl
I was just curious…it’s really not that serious. I like her…no really worries. I just wanted a bit of advice.
Andrea
The bigger issue is that he “confides” in her. In general terms, or does he tell her your private relationship business?
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