That one guy who keeps coming back

When are you done with your school?

I think he definitely likes you but knows that the current situation is not ideal or practical. He keeps reaching out because he does have feelings for you, but you let it continue because you reply. You say you were over him and yet agreed to meet up when you got back home. If you were over him you wouldn’t have found yourself in such a steamy situation. So, you need to be clear about what you want. Stop thinking about what he wants, figure out for yourself if the way he’s been…hot and cold, dating someone else but not telling you about it…is that someone you can trust being in a relationship with?

Well what makes the connection meaningful to you? Why do you want to keep him in your life? You won’t really know for sure what his intentions are, but obviously the way he is acting is mostly just optimizing on convenience. He keeps you minimally interested while you are apart, but isn’t really fully open with you during those times, and then tries to see you when you are around, probably trying to hook up…is that the kind of connection you want with him? Be honest with yourself here.

Ellen, I completely understand. You felt a genuine connection in the beginning and don’t want to feel like it was a waste. From my perspective it just really seems like the timing is not right, and he sees that, though he’s not really being straight-forward with you about that. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it on a conscious level, or doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying “this just won’t work as a relationship right now”…either way, his actions are showing you that, and I think that you’d only be setting yourself up for more hurt later on if you let this continue. I think from what you’re saying that you can’t really be friends with him right now, because you’re holding on to that emotional connection that sparked your relationship with him. You need the space. And it may hurt his feelings, but he’s not in a place to give you what you want anyway, and you need to look out for you. Don’t sacrifice a better future just to feel sort of good today because you’re holding onto something fleeting from your past.

It would be one thing if one of you approached the other and said something like “Look, I really like you, and I enjoy the time we spend together, but our current situation is just not going to work for a relationship. Can we just keep things casual like this?” Then you could have that open conversation. But I don’t think he’s willing to, or else he would have said it (plus you two are probably too young to really have such open, honest conversations about feelings like this anyway)…and like I said, I don’t think you’d really be okay with that if you are being truly honest with yourself.

Hope this helps. Ask more questions if you feel like you need to think through it/talk through it more…

Shoot, I’m sorry, I just reread your initial post. Looks like he was honest with you in the beginning, that it’s just not going to work out right now. Not a relationship anyway. So unless he comes and tells you anything different, his feelings haven’t changed. You either need to accept it like it is, or detach yourself some more because he’s not willing to give you more than what he has been over these last few months. It won’t be like it was right in the beginning. Sorry.

Ellen – that’s good, knowing yourself and where you draw the line is a start. A great start. Then it just becomes a matter of implementing it the right way. It’s hard to keep yourself away from someone you have a good connection with, and yet a part of you knows you should because you’ll feel somewhat led on by expectations you can’t get out of your head. I say maybe this is good practice for you, to maybe keep seeing him when you are back in town…to practice eliminating these internal expectations and just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is without trying to turn it into something else. I struggle with this too, definitely. Maybe you’ll learn you can do it, and then you’ll not only be proud of yourself for working on something internally, but then you’ll also get a great friendship (at least…) out of it. On the flip side, maybe you’ll learn you can’t do it. Maybe the way he acts when you spend time together isn’t in line with where you want to draw the boundaries. Or maybe you just can’t help but read into the things he says or does when you’re together…always hoping for more, but never really getting more. Or who knows! It could turn into something more! It’s just a matter of which path you decide to take from here…

Such a shame you guys can’t come up with a solution. Really sounds like you both have genuine feelings for each other. Is there absolutely no way you can both do long distance?

If it’s meant to work it will. I spent 3 years and university but had a connection with someone that just didn’t fade. We both dated others but when we saw each other, the connection was amazing. We ended up having a serious relationship. He’s not my husband but we had a great few years together and still care for each other very much. I don’t think time and distance changes things if it’s meant to be.

But don’t put your life on hold! Do date others and have fun. You may even meet someone better.