Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › The Disadvantage of Online Dating
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Cat.
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Cat
I could really use some advice as I think most of my friends/family are completely bias when it comes to trying to give me any. So, I met a guy from an online dating site about a month ago. He’s 32, I’m 25. He just started his own business, I’m a prelaw student–aka we have very busy schedules. Even before our first date we would talk throughout the day through text and he would even call me and we would end up chatting for close to an hour each time, even while we both had very busy schedules. We would talk about life and how we both really wanted to find “the one.” It was difficult to settle on a time/date to meet as we live over an hour away and both of our schedules conflict. I remember he asked me one night if he could drive down for a spur of the moment type thing to meet but I declined due to work in the morning. Finally, a week or so later we had our first date, where we mainly stared into each other’s eyes and confirmed we had a very strong connection as we had thought, and ended up kissing. From that point on, our text conversations became veryyyy hot and steamy–we were both clearly very sexually attracted to each other. We made plans to meet the following Friday, in which he even was offering to possibly get a hotel room half way to make it easier on both of us. Well, the day before he texted me telling me he was going to be meeting with a very important client for dinner and was unable to reschedule with them. I don’t take rejection well so I told him that I would talk to him later, as he sobbed via text–(if it was over the phone it probably would’ve freaked me out). The next day he called me, I ignored. Later that night, I decided to get over it and sent him a text saying I hope the meeting went well. Things bounced back and I decided not to bring up any plans, he had to. Which he did, and a few days later I met him at his house since I was working up in the area. We talked all night and ended up having AMAZING sex. I mean sex that you wait a lifetime for. I told him how I had never been so open with someone sexually and how good it felt to do so. We cuddled all night and in the morning I left for work again. The cute complimenting and sexual texts continued, but I noticed that he wouldn’t call me half as much as he did originally before we met and that the texts would be sporadic, as he said he was busy with work. The next day, he asked me to come stay with him again at a family members house in a few days while he house sat and I agreed. We chatted for hours and he opened up to me about having to see a shrink for not “loving himself” enough. Ever since the first day we met he had brought up wanting kids and a married life (no, I wasn’t the one to bring it up) but was worried as he had to move back with his parents after putting up this money to start his business recently. As ive had my own issues and actually am in the same boat due to the finances that go into school, I sympathized with him and told him that everything is a process and being happy is a choice. He always praises me how awesome he thinks what I’m doing is great (going to law school) and how positive I am. Our chatting turned into steamy sex once again, followed by cuddling and me bouncing in the am to work again. He texted me right as I left with sweet nothings and asked me how my day was later, but I noticed his texts would usually come during the day and then dissipate during the night. I also have this really horrible habit of going onto the dating site we met off of and checking to see if he’s ever online: something I realized he was almost every single time I checked. It’s been 3 days since we saw each other so I decided to be the one to ask about next times date. Also, realizing I’m starting to develop feelings for this guy now, I felt like I had to say something today. We’ve had sex, aren’t I allowed to ask questions now? The conversation went something like this:
Me: so when are we going to hang out again?
Me: am I just your once a week sex toy or something? ;)
Him: Nooo never! What are you doing this week?That was over an hour ago and I’m too much of a wuss to say anything now. I feel like I have a tendency to overreact on assumptions I make due to my last boyfriend who cheated, so I really feel like I need an outsiders view.
Am I crazy and thinking too much into it too soon, or do I have a legitimate worry on my hands? I don’t have the time or energy that can be wasted, so I’m trying my best to analyze the situation without going bonkers. Thank you anyone who has some word of advice!
Raven
Hi Cat, has he taken you out on a real date?
L
This doesn’t sound like a problem with online dating. More like a problem with you having sex with a guy too soon and getting caught up in guy who’s not making a proper effort to date you. In your text dialogue, you sounded really insecure. What do you expect a guy to say when you ask if you’re just a once a week sex toy? Do you really expect him to say yes, you’re just a sex toy?
I think you’re making yourself crazy by trying to analyze a situation that seems mostly about sex. You talk about the amazing sex and that’s all he’s giving you.
It’s too late to take back what you said and having sex too soon. Just try to relax now, have no expectations, and see if he comes to you with proper effort to date you. Then you’ll know if you’re just a sex toy to him.
LAgirl
If he isn’t actually taking you on dates, he is treating you like a FWB…
Men don’t attach to a woman through sex. However, women usually do.
Stop initiating contact and stop meeting at homes for your ‘dates’…..
See if he starts to date your properly. Many men use dating sites to find women for sex. The fact he jumped right into sexting after the first date is a red flag IMO. I always used to screen guy out based on this, because I found men who lead with sex are usually just looking for it.
Man who is truly into you, will be more respectful.
Cat
I’ve realized the very good possibility that I had sex too soon, and that he hasn’t even taken me on a “real” date. I’ve known that having sex with him was probably a bad idea so quickly, but lately I’ve been tired of being the “prude” who holds back to the point I’m denying my own desires and I figured since time is of the essence, having sex soon would help me see in the beginning if I could even see this guy as a potential. In the end though, I am insecure and know it’s not “right” for respect is lost on both sides. I’ve dated guys before that weren’t into the “proper” dates and a couple times things worked out for awhile. However, I can’t lie. I’m a woman, and I want to be courted.
Thanks to all who responded, this pretty much “sealed the deal” on what I was worried about. I’ll take the suggestions and listen to L saying not to have any expectations and backing off a bit, as well as holding off.
Serena #2
Cat – First thing I want to say is, I don’t think you had sex too soon. It sounds like it was amazing! Finding someone we have real chemistry with is rare and when you do find it, I think it’s good to savor and enjoy it.
That said, I guess I would look within and ask yourself what you’d like from your connection with him. If you see him as someone you want to date/have as a BF, it might be good to slow down and see what he does. As some of the other women on this board know, I tend to to initiate contact, so I may not be the best to chime in about that bit, lol. However, there are some smart, savvy women here, and they give great advice.
Good luck!
Cat
Thank you so much for your advice, it’s good to know there are some insightful women on here, I’m so glad I found this!
I agree that it’s rare and I really just felt it was natural at the moment and I had been tired of holding back from previous situations. I’ve known friends who have slept with their now husbands on the first date, so part of me feels that it’s better just to follow your intuition, which can be hard if you’re um, turned on haha. Part of me knows there should be SOME boundaries, but sometimes rules just don’t apply IMO. I haven’t heard from guy since Saturday, so I’m kinda of questioning things but I haven’t tried to contact him and I’m just letting it go. If it happens it happens, I’ve never had any luck with forcing things so I’m not going to now! No regrets though, I’ll be smarter about it next time but at least there was a connection and th sex was great ;)
Mel
But wasn’t his last communication asking you what you had going on for the week?
Maybe he is waiting for you to reply??If you are interested in this guy and can deal with the hurdles that you obviously have then ask him what he is looking for, plain and simple then you know and you wont have to guess.
Juliette
Hi Cat
I’m curious that you keep referring to times in your past where you have been prudish and not followed your own desires. What are the specifics of this? I think it might be the key to helping you realize why you slept with this guy so quickly. There seems to be a very large gap between following your desires and respecting your own boundaries.You also indicate that time is of the essence and want to know in the beginning if you are sexually compatible. Honey, you are 25 years old… you have all the time in the world to find this out about someone. Find a guy who will take you on proper dates, keep your dates in public places, make out like crazy by your car and you will definitely be able to feel if you are sexually compatible. It is far more important to find out if you are relationally compatible and only time will tell you this.
I would also restrain from letting texting turn sexual so early. Don’t be in such a hurry. This alone will help weed out the guys who aren’t relationship material.
Jayne
Men tell you where they are at and attempting to analyze is a waste of your time. Your man told you he is getting therapy to learn how to love himself. That is huge in my opinion if it is true. The only way you will know it is true is with time. A person can only give what they have and if he doesn’t love himself, he has nothing to give. If he is truly attempting to grow in this area, be patient and watch him as he makes the effort to reach out and give. Men are not like women in showing love. Many men do it through actions and expect you pick up on it.
I met the man I date 2 years ago online, however, we are much older than you. There is nothing wrong with meeting online but it was difficult for me after we started dating to see him always online. So after many months of my obsessing and overreacting, I canceled my subscription. Yes, he was dating other women. The best thing I did was to start dating someone else. In dating this other person, I learned that my feelings for the first guy were real and not just an obsession. And my guy’s love of pursuit kick in. Apparently, my dating the other guy increased my value in his eyes. He stopped taking me for granted.
So my advice is be patient and see where it goes. When I start overanalyzing, I tell myself to stop making problems where there are none. They are probably in all in your head. Don’t make yourself a victim.
When you do get together, have fun, be a woman he wants to see again. If there isn’t a future with him, you will at least have had fun.
Cleo
Watch Web of Lies on ID, you can find it online. That show will show you the disadvantages of Online Dating.
Cat
Wow…I am blown away by how much wisdom and compassion people have on here.
Juliette, you’re right. I am young and have plenty of time to date. When talking about the gap between my desires and boundaries, this is where I need my thoughts to match up with my actions more. Deep down I am HUGE on respect and believe there needs to be boundaries, especially early on. At the same time I’m a very sexual person and have trouble saying “no” at times, especially if I’m attracted to the guy. But I think this has been at the core of a lot of my dating issues so I need to follow suggestion because my ideas don’t seem to get me anywhere.
Jayne, thank you for such insightful advice. It really IS that simple with guys- there’s really nothing to overthink about. If they want you, they let you know plain and simple. I don’t know why I make things so complicated by overthinking and over analyzing. That’s awesome to hear about your story,which gives me hope. I do believe that if it’s meant to be it’ll work out in the end. I definitely will be telling myself to be more patient with all of it, while making sure I’m not trying to control things due to my own insecurities. One thing you said really stuck out to me that I’ve been trying to mindfully practice lately with EVERYONE: “be a woman he wants to see again.”
I used to be the girl who would play games and not call or text back if I was upset over something pity, or when I was with a guy I would try to act like a “bad ass bitch” by telling them things like how I don’t get along with most girls or that I’m a bitch or whatever because I really believed they would like m more! How fucking wrong I was. Guys don’t want to hear bitching and negativity, they want to be around someone positive that will bring them up. Why girls, including myself, fall into this sick trap of thinking guys like “bitches” is beyond me. I’m a sweet, kind, compassionate person. Why should I hide such valuable, rare traits?
Thanks so much again ladies, I’m so grateful for your wise words!
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