The guy i'm dating is cheap–and it's a turn-off, should we break-up?

I agree it is a turn off. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but if your lifestyles are different it won’t work. I used to be in a relationship with a guy who didn’t come from much and he was unemployed for half of our relationship. I’ve always held a decent job, I like going out and I like nice things, and he could never keep up. I grew resentful at having to pay for everything or half of everything and that was part of the reason why we broke up.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you want and the kind of lifestyle you want to live. If you want to go to fancy dinners or plays or nice vacations, you want someone beside you who wants and is capable of doing those things too. Doesn’t sound like this guy is it :(

Ohh. That’s a tough one. I’m certainly not judging because I’m like you… And It’s hard for me to
Maintain attraction beyond a few months in that situation.

Once that initial honeymoon period ends,i need the guy to show some chivalry and have the instinct and desire to treat me like a queen sometimes. I would do the same for him of course on occasion (less often than he would, but regularly).

Once the spark was gone, it was downhill fast for me. It doesn’t take massive amounts of money, but he should pick up the tab sometimes without expecting you to make it up to him. A grand gesture once in a while could go a long way.

Once your attraction to him starts fading, you’ve got nothing to lose by telling him how much you would appreciate a chivalrous grand gesture on occasion.

Thanks your advice ladies. and you guys are right, he’s become comfortable with the idea of me paying my share so he just waits for me to offer. And yeah the initial attraction and spark is gone, and my feelings are starting to fade for him because of this!

Okayy so what do i do now. I dont see this being long term, i told him already im not at a point in my life where i want to be in a serious long term relationship, he said he understands.

a) Break-up
b) Gently/subtly bring up the topic of money and try to work it out somehow
c) Continue seeing him until I find someone new

It’s just nice having someone to spend time with, and if i break up now i’ll have no one and i feel like i’ll become miserable and then regret breaking up with him (especially since im at a age where all my friends are getting engaged and im the only single one!! :(

“It’s just nice having someone to spend time with, and if i break up now i’ll have no one and i feel like i’ll become miserable and then regret breaking up with him (especially since im at a age where all my friends are getting engaged and im the only single one!!”

Ok THIS is not the right mindset to have. You said yourself you are commitment phobic right now and don’t really want a relationship so stringing someone else along for your own personal benefit just so you don’t feel lonely is selfish. You need to learn to enjoy your own company; you do not need a man around to make you feel better. If you feel miserable being alone than that’s a whole different bag of issues.

I would suggest you don’t initiate any contact with this guy and when he reaches out to make plans just kindly tell him you are not interested in seeing him anymore. Please do not continue to see him just to fill whatever void you think you have. That is very unfair to him and you shouldn’t waste his time when he could go off and meet someone else he’s more compatible with.

Just be honest. Say you feel like your lifestyles are too different and you ultimately don’t think you’re a good match for each other. You don’t want to get too specific by saying you need someone who is your equal or something like that because that is emasculating.

Hmmm, I don’t mind paying when I go out but I’m not used to a guy expecting it. I had one guy ask ME out my friend and his friend went. Me and my homegirl wanted to stay home and chill, it was HIS idea to go out and when the bill came he asked for separate checks. I got pissed off and wrote him off. I felt it was rude, if you ask a woman out be prepared to pay, unless previously discussed otherwise. Period. Who raised these men?

Then another guy when I was in high school took me to Burger King, and looked at me when we got to the window. We wound up driving off without the food, although I had the money to buy it. It was just the principle. He got wrote off too.

Now there was this other guy that told me soon as I got in the car, that his money is tight but he really wanted to spend time with me. He asked if he could buy the dinner and I buy the movie tickets. No problem. Another guy asked if we could stay in and he would order wings, because he was short on his rent. Those are every once in a while type of situations not every single time.
I make good money too in my job. The guy I like now doesn’t make the type of money I make but he doesn’t have my bills either which leaves him with more money to play with. However right now he’s trying to buy a house with his cousin, so he pays sometimes and sometimes I pay without question.
You have to tell him what’s going through your mind he is not a mind reader. Let him know it would be nice if he picked up the tabs every now and then. Tell him you don’t mind leaving the tip sometimes, but you don’t feel it’s right that when out with your “man” you’re coming out the pocket ALL the time or even MOST of the time. Also, if you know his money is funny might I suggest you pick places that are more affordable. Don’t go to a spot where the plates are $30 and up unless your going to pay your half, that’s called meeting the brotha half way if you really like him. Hell take him to Applebee’s. If he can’t afford Applebee’s he has no business dating. He needs to get his life in order first.

No matter how much or little a man has he should be generous with his creativity.

I don’t care if you live in the big city or the boondocks…there are lots of activities you can do on a low budget.

I am with Gemini615 on telling him that you have different lifestyles. I am pretty old fashioned as well. I agree with Khadija on not paying unless I really really want to, like a movie lol. My guy there’s no hesitation he always grabs the check right away. Sometimes when he doesn’t look at it, I grab for it but then he ends up paying. I don’t ever ask to split it if I like him ever. When I’m not interested in a man I’ll ask if they want to split it.

I’ve been in your situation, however his $ was going towards child support so he didn’t have much to go off of but he would at least make an effort. It was hard to get used to and in my heart I knew I wasn’t happy. There’s tons of men who are nice and you’ll make more $ then them but find someone who is equal or the provider. It will happiness on both sides.

My dad told me, “I’m sure he’s nice, but find someone who has a career, who has a future. There’s a nice man out there who has both”

Sandra P,

If you decide to end it with him and he asks why, you could simply say, “I’m still paying off my student loans and I’ve discovered that I just can’t afford to keep dating like I have been. I really hope I can get the loans paid off and have more money for fun things in a year or so!”

This tells him that money is a problem for you, but it isn’t accusatory; it’s simply stating a fact.

BriLyse- I’m still at my desk cracking up about this…good one!

Then another guy when I was in high school took me to Burger King, and looked at me when we got to the window. We wound up driving off without the food, although I had the money to buy it. It was just the principle. He got wrote off too.

oh man i did not realize that it was norm for guys to pay for dates, i always felt guilty when a guy paid! I totally need to change my attitude about this!!!

Okay update, so as i said, we’re supposed to meet tomorrow and watch a movie. Again, he was suggesting places to have dinner and he suggested this moderately pricey place. I texted back asking how much dinner would cost and said im not sure if i can do dinner cuz i’ve been spending way too much money lately while going out.

The answer i was hoping for was “Don’t worry, it’ll be my treat”
The answer i got from him “it’s okay, we dont have to do dinner then”

Thoughts?!

Oy vey. This is not working for you. This guy is driving you crazy. Break it off! You don’t have to tell him it’s about money. It’s a very sensitive topic for many people (especially guys). You can say the thing about the different lifestyles — or you feel the spark isn’t there anymore — or you don’t think it’s a good match chemistry-wise. All of these things are true, right?