The guy i'm dating is cheap–and it's a turn-off, should we break-up?

Im coming to the end of a relationship with a guy, its only been 4 months or so but he pays so much child maintenance and is also a bad money manager that he has never paid for a whole date! I have carried on with him because he is very nice in so many other ways…but after an argument yesterday he said l made him feel emasculated!? Well there’s gratitude for you! Lol the fact if the matter is my wanting to go out and do things but he can’t afford so wants to stay in – urgh, l spent 20 years being ‘in’ in a marriage, lm not doing that again! So l paid or went half so we could do things…the last dinner we had he paid half but because of this he didn’t pay his Internet bill and had it cut off – yet l felt bad?!?!
Emasculated? Pah, he won’t feel it any more – he can be ALL man on his own! Lol
If a man can’t at least equal your lifestyle its not going to work, from my present experience anyway – no one should feel bad for wanting to have fun.
*note to guys…if you’ve no money to date – Don’t Date! Simple. :)

when I am dating I usually expect the guys to pay. I may pay occasionally. and I try and compensate at times with little gifts. but when I am dating a guy and am expected to always split the bill then its a big turn off. I go dutch only wid frnds not bfs or men m dating. maybe its old fashioned but I cant be attracted to someone who expects me to split the bill always. I wld rather just be friends with such men and happily split the bill in that case.

Be very honest with yourself: did you establish yourself early on with this man as being a girl who was magnanimous and generous, happy to pay for herself–not a problem, I REALLY don’t mind…kind of girl?

I’ve done this. When I was in my early twenties, I was making some decent money and wanted to be a Cosmo girl, working in the city! Dating great men! and going to great restaurants…I enjoyed picturing myself there. So when I was dating a man who made less than I did, I would suggest nice places for dinner and say, come on…I’ll pay. His response? “Well…if you really WANT to.”

And that was it. The pattern was established. I had only meant to get the ball rolling and hoped, in my immaturity, that he would take it from there. He didn’t. He probably couldn’t, but he was also delighted to be off the hook. I had appeared SO fine with it. He laughed about being a ‘kept man’. Oops, me.

True, there are some men who would have behaved as I imagined in my sparkly world of Amazing, Perceptive, Generous Men Who Worship Me and Take Hints. The man who understands veiled nudges immediately, and rallies…finds resourceful ways to pay for clever and amusing dates, even if they aren’t at the Rainbow Room.

But this species is both rare, and easily recognizable wayyyy before four months have elapsed. Your guy is comfortable where he is.

This is not going to turn out well for you. Cut your losses. If you stay with this man, you will torture each other.

LOL! NO he didn’t!
Girl bye! I cant believe he said that. I’m cracking up. Lol.

I’m sorry but I definitely would come out with this. He’s gotta step it up. So if I don’t have money we don’t eat? Are you serious bro? No way.

Update:
ughh guys, so i went out with him today…it felt so off, i was so not interested in our dinner conversations and i think he could sense it. He wanted to go to some show after dinner and he texted me earlier in the day and told me “It’s $20, is that okay with you?’ And i felt so pissed, like am I not even worth a measly 20 bucks?!?!

So then this time when the cheque came for dinner i kept quiet and wanted to see if he’d offer to pay. Uhhh NO…the waiter puts the bill towards him and then he moved the bill towards the center of the table and was like “Errrr what do you want to do?’ …it felt so fcking awkward that the waiter was like “Oh…do you want me to split the bill for you guys?” ..and I was like “Ugh Yes’

After reading all your responses here, i think i just felt super mad and resentful towards him, i didnt even want to hold his hand!!

But i felt like such a coward, i just didnt know how to break up, especially cuz he kept saying how amazing i am and how lucky he feels to have met me and how his life has changed and blah blah blah…(but i think he’s doing this on purpose cuz he senses that im not happy)

ANYWAYS, at the end of the night he wanted to go to that show but i was like i really can’t stay too late because i dont want to subway home alone (i recently moved to a place further away). and i told him ‘if you can drive me back home then i can stay later” ..and then he started hesitating again and he’s like “uhhh i guess i can drive you home if you want”..and i was like “If it’s too far for you then u dont have to’ …and he’s like “Well yah it’s far…”…and i was like FINE i’m just gonna subway home now then!

LIKE…C”MON…iF YOU R NOT PAYING FOR MY DINNER…AT LEAST HAVE THE AUDACITY TO DRIVE ME HOME WITHOUT MAKING IT SEEM LIKE IT”S A BIG DEAL

And see guys, i didnt even want to go to the show!! I was fine with us just walking and talking. HE’S THE ONE WHO WANTED TO GO…So if he has $20 to spare to go watch a show, WHY CAN’T HE USE THAT MONEY TO PAY FOR MY DINNER?!??!

im so mad. i never realized how bad the situation was until i typed out things in this thread. I agree it was somewhat my fault for offering to split the bill in the beginning and now he’s used to it, but i felt like he was guilting me into paying cuz he kept saying how he’s not making enough money and he’s constantly trying to save money whenever possible.

UGHHH but im so done with this!! Need to figure out out a way to break up gently.

Hi Sandra,

You are totally right to feel as you do. This guy did not get the memo of how to treat a woman or is showing you he is of low interest even though his words say different.

The generous nature of a man and the fact he shows he wants to take care of you is what attracts a woman to him. Like I said, if it is paying for an ice cream and that is all it is still he is providing – and should feel he wants to provide.

So it is not the money…it is the attitude and value system you are looking for.

You want someone who will step up to the plate the best they can. Do not offer to split the bill so early…after the third date invite him to a picnic or dinner your treat…but do not split bills.

I can see why you’re mad, but like I previously told you, if you had just broken things off with him the other day you could have avoided this situation. I hope NOW you see that this isn’t going to work out between you two, you just aren’t a match. Please just end this now so you both can move on. This is starting to get silly.

Sorry honey, you set this up by offering to pay in the beginning. It’s unfair to be angry at him. And this isn’t dating or a relationship, this is friends hanging out and paying for their own.

I don’t think your reaction is appropriate. You’re acting as if it’s HIS fault he doesn’t meet your wants in that category. I’ll start with my own personal preference that I’ll never fully settle down with a man that makes less than me financially, I may even go as far as my real desire being that my guy make at least double what I do but whatever. I will say that I’ve dated multiple men that do fit into this category and yes, it’s nice, it’s ideal, it’s what I see long-term. HOWEVER, I will also say that I’ve dated “artists” *musicians, models* and when you’re with someone and AWARE of their situation it’s like being with a military guy and flipping out that he gets deployed. I’m with them with the knowledge that they can’t affort those things on a steady basis so when I would spend time with them I would be mentally prepared to pay for minimum my share of everything *and sometimes I’d even cover BOTH our drinks/shots* Lol. Yes, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth but that’s why I categorize them in my “just for fun” slot… I’m honest enough with myself to know it won’t progress into anything serious, I have the integrity to let them in on that fact- meaning DON’T meet his family and tell him that you’d like to keep things at a slower pace/just “enjoy eachothers company” for now, discourage his emotional investment in you and cut him loose when you’re done. I agree that it’s prob better to deal with being “perfectly lonely” as John Mayer would say rather than using someone to fill this void ESPECIALLY if he could potentially get hurt, but that’s why you have to be somewhat upfront about your intentions so that’s it’s his decision if he stays or not once made aware that you’re not really interested in a long-term relationship. It’s similar to guys pulling the FWB card. Lol.

The thing is i never realized this was a big deal until i talked to my friend about it and she said i was crazy for splitting the bill with him for the dates. And I thought all his good qualities compensated for his lack of funds. But now I realized they don’t, and Sue you’re right, it’s not about the money, it’s about the values –and he just doesnt value me even though his words make it seem like he cares about me. At first I thought he was just naiive and inexperienced with dating, but now I feel he just uses the dumb-card whenever it’s convenient for him.

And i know some of you are saying i should have just broken up with him and not gone out with him yesterday, but i think it was good that i did go out with him cuz it made me realize how angry i felt with him, and that i was wrong in ever thinking that ‘oh if i break up i’ll be lonely blah blah blah’, i’d rather be single and go out with my girls than to spend money on these unfulfilling dates.

@Vanessa, yeah initially i didnt want to go out to dinner but then i realized if i dont go for dinner then i’ll just be hungry during the date (Since i was meeting up with him after work). The place we went to was like $25/person.

Thanks for you help ladies, lessons have been learned! I wont make the same mistake with the next guy.

Wow, I would not feel bad for being mad at all! I can’t believe he said “I guess I could take you home.” WTF that would’ve been the last straw. I get that you like him and he says nice fluffy stuff but uh no. You want to be treated like a lady and he is not doing that. Just be nice and you don’t need to tell him details at all. Just say

“Hi Bob, I think you are a nice man but we want different things and I think it’s best we should wish each other well. Take care.”

He is not even a gentleman at all. My dad would be so pissed off at me if I ever ever ever dated someone like him.

I dunno… Gas is expensive and my time is valuable. I do say dump him because you’re not feeling him. But you said the show wasn’t going to work for you because you didn’t want to subway home alone *your preference… He said “Uhh I guess I can drive you home if you want”… RIGHT THEN, I would’ve been like “Cool, Let’s catch the show!” then move along. It’ll condition him to be more direct with his communication in the future. His hesitation in answering your question wouldn’t have made me feel bad. He may feel like you RE-asking if he was sure meant you sincerely didn’t want to go *which you didn’t and then subconsciously made that happen guilt-free by making it seem as it were his fault. Lol. Hopefully if he were REALLY bothered by driving if you had gone, he would at least learn for future reference to be better at vocalizing EXACTLY what he wants/means… You guys could’ve gone to the show, had a blast, connected on the drive home and the money issue may have faded. I think you just KNOW you don’t want him so you’re trying to further validate it BC you feel bad it may just be about money. But in the end, who cares why you’re not into someone. No explanation is necessary to anyone. No need to look for reasons why you’re not into someone. It is what it is.

cheap guys are a no go for me, no matter how handsome or successful he is. I’ve dated someone who was struggling financially but got upset when I offered to pay for my ice cream, he said he’d never let a woman pay. I dated a director but always ask to split the bill. So a cheap is a cheap, no matter what his current money situation is.