The one thats needy, is the one who wins?

She doesn’t have him!!! She is just the girl he is using to scratch an itch. But I am sure if asked by his friends, he would say he is still single … because guess what he doesn’t want to commit. Its fine that she is spending 5 times in the week with him. But I actually wouldn’t put it past him to be on the look out for a woman to replace you. It doesn’t look like he is satisfied with one woman anyway. And I agree with Lane, she is a doormat and if you go back to him, you would be his doormat too …

I dont know what to believe anymore. He said to me that he doesn’t just have sex with a person or just sleeps with someone and most of the time had steady long relationships in the past, not like a type of guy who will go around and date a bunch of girls at the same time.

But i dont know what to believe of him anymore, or his words, i sensed that he is a sensitive guy, who can talk about his emotions, only when he trusts you. And i believe him when he tells me that i know more stuff about him, then his best friends.
He really wanted to continue seeing me but i just couldnt anymore, i miss him though, loved spending time with him, but also another person in the picture, it broke my heart.

I have all of these questions that keep haunting me. Why is he making such an effort to see her, to reach out to her? Isn’t that what a guy does when he really wants to be with a woman? To have her around as many times as he wants?

our date day was always on friday afternoon, night and evening, this first time, it was just like he was doing it to piss me off that i rejected him…past friday afternoon, she replaced me…i felt devastated.

I know i really have to let him go, it’s just part of my own problem that i dont get what she has more then me or why she has the privilege too see him and get to spend time with him so many nights/days. While im the one who is self confident, finally choosing for herself, for my own sake and well-being. That was one of the biggest lessons i guess, doing what is best for my self.

Thank you so much for your kind words everyone :)

I agree with Ali … He is a jerk. And doesn’t matter what he tells you … his actions have shown that he had no intention of being committed. When are you going to accept his actions and not just think about his words. I would suggest you do some homework. Make a list of all the ways he hurt you or lied to you. And anytime you miss him, take a look at this list.

Ellen, men aren’t women. You are evaluating his behavior and choices by female standards, which will never work because he’s operating on male instincts. So stop torturing yourself. Why does he do it? Because he’s apparently trying to have sex with as many women as possible.

This is way big drama. Just walk away. All this s*** would stop if you stopped responding and feeding it.

Ouch, that last one hurt though… Moving is not that easy, its rental and there is a shortage in my city on rental houses/appartments. I was living with housemates before i got my own place and have been on the waiting list 5,5 years for i got this. But im seriously considering it, going back to my birth-grounds so to speak.

And you are right, i thought i had it under control, but i never experienced this, when i say i dont want any contact no more, the guy doesn’t contact me anymore, or maybe a few months afterwards to check in or something, and about that time i could care less because the feelings are gone. But everytime i do this with him, that everytime i go no contact and tell him to dont contact me no more, he keeps on ssearching for a way, it’s my own fault that i give in, but with all those feelings involved it’s freaking difficult to ignore that kind of behavior. Well yeah my post it’s one big over analyzing bullshit i see that, it’s been going on this whole day. All this energy wasted for a person it isnt even worth thewhile (HA that felt good to say that in public).

Any advice to ‘heal’ from this emotional baggage?

Hi Ellen,

The same has happened to me recently and it’s heartbreaking. I was dating a guy for a few months, we had never slept together but it was the best time I had ever spent with anyone, we were perfect for each other. He started having personal issues, I tried to stick by him but he just pushed me away to a point where he didn’t make contact with me and wanted to be alone etc so I ended things. I told him that I really liked him and that if he wanted to catch up again and resume things when he was feeling better then I would be happy to.

Fast forward a few weeks, I sent him a text to check how he was. We ended up catching up a few times just as friends. I asked about whether he wanted to start things up again and he said no. He was pretty harsh about it all so I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. Fast forward 3 weeks, he made contact with me and asked to catch up. We had a great night, just like old times and he was really sweet and he was back to his old self. He kissed me at the end of the night and it was amazing.

Fast forward a week, I have heard nothing from him since that night. Nothing. He’s on online dating and looking for other women. The moral of the story for me and for you as well is that sometimes boys just like to know that they can have something if they want it…..it’s there if they change their mind. They give you enough to keep you around but have no intention of pursuing things at that point in time. Our situations are the same except that I never slept with the guy because I didn’t feel that it was going anywhere, given his current situation.

You have to stop sleeping with him. Don’t lower yourself to the point where you are giving him something for nothing. He has offered you no kind of commitment and he is dating someone else. His actions are speaking for him right now and you need to walk away. I mean properly walk away and find someone who deserves you. He doesn’t. It’s hard, I get it, but it’s for the best.

Start looking after yourself and start going out and dating other guys so you aren’t focused on what he’s doing and when he tries to come back you need to be strong and say no. I played my situation totally wrong, when he came back I should have been cautious and should have made him work for it, even just to kiss me, but I didn’t and now I’m going through the sad feelings all over again. Next time, I won’t be so stupid and he won’t be so lucky to have my time. Do the same with your guy, don’t make it so easy for him.

This is madness. I woke up in the middle of the night it’s about 4.00 am. This typing here is just to ease my mind not to have a breakdown of crying or a panick attack or do something out of anger. Im finally getting angry though :), but also days of sadness and feeling lost.

I woke up. Looked at my window, and she is with him…AGAIN. Staying the night. During weekdays now. Ugh i think im going to be sick. She also knew about me at a certain point. WHY does she get what’s she wants while she is fine with everything he does. She certainly doesnt have the same ‘man’ standards or just want to hook up, NO, she actually believes shit is going to end up in a relationship with him and now im scared too, knowing the fact that she is now with him this many times. Even in our best dating days, I didn’t get to spend that much time with him. Im the one who always been straight forward with, somebody else in the picture, thats not what i want, that’s not what i deserve, i deserve better and also dont want contact no more goodbye. Because i have that much self respect, it took time I got bullied in highschool and dated a few men who also treated me like i was nothing. And al those years ibelieved that is what i deserved. That or i wasnt pretty, skinny, fun or smart enough. I already made a big break through past year, or couple of years, in loving myself, respecting myself, but i also want a piece of happiness to you know (knowing that a relationship can do that but not when its the number one thing in your life) the experience of two people who understand eachother unconditionally love , is that too much to ask for? I do al this new things, different point of view, but still got wound up in this mess. This time i was really steady, knowing what i want and knowing what i do and dont accept. And it was looking good, it really seemed this was heading in the right direction, naturally. But then everything turned around.

After he repeatably contacting me again, i give in yes, that with the lethal im in love combination in the that ‘wow this guy must really like me allot going through all this effort’. But she is just taking all of his bullshit. I saw their conversations once, it’s just shallow as a puddle of rainwater. And he likes that? We always talked about everything and making eachother laugh. But she is now with him all the time, and the one who stood up for herself told a piece of her mind…drawing the shortest straw. If she is over there, that many times, he must really want to be with here isnt it? :S but still him coming at my door past friday night, inviting me, him not liking that i didnt give him that wanting me to stay over, us sleeping together. He even said when we had one of our talks, that he wanted to continue seeing me every friday. Wanted to talk with me everyday, misses me when he doesn’t or cant talk to me. And if i didnt have that many self respect, we would still be talking the whole day via whatsapp, facebook, flirting, have dates, if i didnt have a problem with somebody else too in the picture, we would still be going strong! Wham bam, no thank you sir….

I know everything about him, his goodside, his bad side. His dark side, his mind and troubles he had, growing up, his family who was never there for him, telling me all these things while he said you now know more of me then my best friends. I dont want him back though, i think i can never trust him ever again. Or a miracle needs to happen only then, and yes i am jealous, I admit that. I never felt so right, safe and secure with a person, until the sh*t has hit the van.

Thank you so much for your kind words and help, even when i dont know you in person and youre on the other side of the world.

Thanks for telling your story Natalie, i hope you can find some peace in what happened. Dont judge yourself, your not stupid, you just wanted things, the same as i did.

Still no contact, I this time didnt delete his number, but made sure every possible way his number is blocked and cant reach out to me :)

Sleep in a different room so you can’t look out and see his window. The kitchen if needs be. Train yourself to have better control.as soon as your lease is up…you need to move. Consider therapy. Your mind is over fixated with this sleezebag

Ellen, based on your description he does seem like a jerk, however like karen said there’s no reason to assume that the other girl is needy…

He could be choosing her because he finds her easy going and fun to be around. Men like that, NOT drama.

Plus, you told him “this shit won’t stand man” and never to contact you again, and that’s yet another reason for him to choose her over you.

Ask yourself why on earth he would choose drama and a girl who basically tells him to fuck off over a fun easy going girl who wants to be with him?

He wants to sleep around and you want to be exclusive. That means you’re not compatible.

Accept that, let go of your obsession with him, refocus your energy and move on.

You shouldn’t have to flee or move. Get some self respect and pride, hold your head high and ignore him instead.

Im so angry all of the time now. It was my birthday yesterday, and he just invited that bitch over so everyone of my family could see –
__- two weeks ago he asked if he was invited at my birthday, wanting to meet my family and friends….

when i walked my friends to the door last night, he stood up to the window to see what i was doing, regretted that i didn’t flip the finger though.

Im just so angry he’s getting away with this, i almost walked over there, wanted to storm into the room and wanted to drop the bomb: hi there everything oke over here? You know he comes knocking on my door when he pleases and guess what happens between the sheets! Oke bye!

Do i meet up with her to tell her whats going on or via message/mail? Tell her: Fyi do you know whats happening? Or do i let this one go sour on it’s own? I dont think she knows im sleeping over and sleeping with him this passed few weeks, maybe told her that we dont see eachother no more or she just doesnt want to see whats happening. There is a voice in the back of my mind telling: is he behaving like a total ass towards me, but is bringing his best self to her?? She’s been there 4 times this week, this is getting serious is it? Why else would a man see someone that many times in a row?

He wanted to continue seeing me on our date friday, wanted to hang out with me, but im the one who withdraws from this, because i am hurt by the fact he doesnt want to try to see where this is heading between us with no other people dating involved. Hurt by the fact that he’s doing the same things we do, but with somebody else. I withdraw And now she is getting him in the end..

Im also having second thoughts about my behavior that i deleted his FB and told him i didn’t want no contact a few weeks ago, because i needed space. That was for me to heal. AfTer events happened. If i was strong enough and could handle my emotions i would still get to know him better and spend time with him, and now its all a big mess. She was the one that continued contacting him via FB and whatsapp and look where it got her…

I feel like a loser not handling the situation quite as it should. I also blame myself that i cant date someone who doesnt want to lock it down, Who wants Continue seeing other people. And i dont feel good about dating other people when im in love with the somebody else. There where also three guys interested in me two of them flaky, only looking for casual stuff. One who really wanted to date me but wasnt quite my type though, and now ive got emotional baggage, so i dont think its fair to date him. I wish i had the strength to go through with dating my guy and let him see what an awesome girl i am.

I get allot of support of my friends and family. I did a mindfulness course, this guy also gives therapy and hopefully in a few weeks i have my first appointment. I really need to step up with my focus on work and im still in college. A friend of mine is picking me up today, and im going to live at my parents for a week, focus on other stuff :).

Thanks for the support,

With love,
Ellen

Ellen, things will change for you when you don’t need to make anyone see any longer what an “awesome girl” you are. Your sense of self-worth is really messed up, honey. I hope getting away for a week and staying at your parents and starting therapy will help you move forward. This actually isn’t about him. It’s about you. This may come as bad news to you but he isn’t doing stuff with her to annoy you. Sounds like he moved on. I know this is hard, we’ve all been through caring about someone too much. But you’re not in love with him, you are attached and obsessed. He knows that energetically. Stay away from the other girl, messing with her will just make you feel worse.

Hang in there baby.

with love, Stefanie