The silent behaviour in long distance relationships

Hi Juliette,

Thank you so much for your quick and enlightening reply. Yes, I am afraid of letting go because this relationship has taken a lot of time and energy (I am indeed so exhausted I didn’t even notice that I missed to delete the “draft part” from my previous post :) ) from me and because – apart from his passive aggressive behaviour – we were really like soul mates. He is my first true love and we had big plans going on. I guess learning about his behaviour is the closure I’ve asked for for all those years, but never got. The reason I haven’t been able to move on before when he used to leave me is because I was confused and couldn’t understand why he did what he did. Now, I think I know but I also know that he will never, on his own, understand that he did wrong because he is not well and if he ever realises his mistake it will probably be when I have started to accept that he is gone.

I don’t hide, I really want him to come back and I would forgive him and give it yet another try (call me stupid!), but this time with one unwavering ultimatum: that he seeks professional help and I will support him in that. Until then I will do my best not to contact him, although I still can’t decide what is best. Last night I removed him from my friend list on FB. I admit, I did it partly to trigger a reaction (which is wrong; I should have done it for me), but nothing yet (so of course, I’m having mixed feelings right now: regret/it had to be done sooner or later). I still have him on other social media and Whatsapp, which the place where we communicated the most, but I’ve played with the settings so he won’t see my online status. A part of me wants to write him a really long message to let him know that I have been aware of his mind games (just to make him understand that although I never confronted him about anything, I’ve been aware of it all). I also feel like I want to do this because I believe in truly emptying one’s heart and to never keep things unspoken. This is because I lost a friend just a few months ago that did not tell anyone about his illness. He suddenly passed away and it hurts to not have said the last good bye. Life is short and I’ve always hated to just “go without cleansing”. Yet there’s this other part of me who is so upset and frustrated that I want to walk away and never look back just like he did to me, BUT it’s all too fresh to be that strong BECAUSE I know if he contacted me now, I would answer.

You are absolutely right in what you said; lots of people have had difficult childhoods and it shouldn’t be an excuse for me to hang on to him. But really, it is preventing me from letting go. I have done this letting-go-thing before and I know I would be much stronger if he was actually okay (“normal”), but I know he is not and his sadness is haunting me…

//Miriam

You’re right! Thanks for putting it this way; it makes more sense when someone else says all the things that one already know, but keep running away from.

It might indeed seem like I am the one with problems, but I’m heartbroken, feel offended and violated by his behaviour and so disappointed in him and mostly in myself. I am fully aware of my unhealthy reactions and thought process, though. My mind is working non-stop, I’m barely sleeping and my body is hurting. I read somewhere that the first 2-3 weeks are the worst, so I guess I just need to calm down…

Miriam,

Honestly I couldn’t get through the whole question, but I got to the part where he just said “sorry” and left it at that. Honey you don’t need that he is an ass okay and you will see you are better off with out him. No need to get the last word in, the best thing you can do is be happy with out him

Hi Miriam.. just take it one day at a time. the rest of us do. Keep busy and remember you are worth so much more. I know you don’t believe it right now.. but better guys are out there.. when you least expect it. And a new guy shows you where it wasn’t right with the 1st guy.

Hi Marie,
Maybe I’m wrong, but I think Miriam found Harley’s post helpful. Sometimes it takes an honest opinion to bring clarity. I don’t think Miriam needs to further analyze this man’s behavior ad nauseam. She simply needs to focus on herself and moving forward which is exactly what Harley said. We are ALL empathetic to what these relationships are like and we’ve all been through heroic level recoveries. We are only trying to help even if sometimes the situation seems to require a quick slap in the face to wake somebody up.

Marie – thank you so much for your comment which truly confirmed what I perhaps was failing to say in my posts despite the fact that I wrote so much. Also, Juliette, Harley and Mel – thank you all for your efforts and encouragement. This might sound really pathetic, but at this stage this forum and your support is the only thing I have in trying to get myself out of this mess. Like I said in my first post, I haven’t told anyone about this and will not do so for different reasons. While some of you are more direct and others are more detailed, I appreciate each and everyone of you as you are bringing in different perspectives to my problem.

Marie – I’ve been doing some really intense research since the day he decided to withdraw and I have found exactly what you’re telling me about. I mean, it’s easy to say when a guy doesn’t love and appreciate us and acts like this that he is a jerk and we’re better off without him, which is 110% true of course. But I was just trying to put forth that certain cases differ as what motivates the strange behaviour varies greatly. In my case, apart from the “silent treatment”, my boyfriend has shown some other illogical tendencies and behaviours which might as well be narcissism or some sort of personality disorder. Like for example the day I wrote and said that if he doesn’t call me we’ll have to split; I had been ill for about a week and when he did what he did, it affected my physical health even more and I was hospitalized and told him so in my message. He didn’t even bother to answer or ask what happened although previously he would check up on me several times during the day to see if how I’m feeling. I’ve found that it’s a typical narcissist feature to suddenly lack empathy and this is just one example of a set of behaviours on his part that keep surprising me, but at least now I’m able to identify them.

I’ve read a lot (and will continue even more) and done a few quizzes on narcissism in relationships to see if he “qualifies” and according to some, he does. However, I would appreciate if you knew of some really good websites/articles or if you wanted to share your own experiences (but don’t feel pressured!). I understand it takes a lot of time to heal and that talking about it can be emotionally frustrating regardless of how much time has passed.

I know I will never be able to change him and that changing someone with a personality disorder is near impossible because it’s part of who they are as a person and they don’t realise they’re the one with problems. I’m on my 4th day of no contact and will continue. Your stories, advice and suggestions would be great help. Thank you for telling me about the “devalue and discard”- phase. That’s new to me, I will look into it (although the term alone sounds like you just nailed it).

PS. I know at this point one might say “if you know he’s so messed up, why do you still want to be with him?”. I won’t. I’m working on avoiding him and breaking free, but I’m continuing to discuss this because I know there are countless others who are dealing with similar situations and maybe this thread could be helpful to them, too. Also, I would love a guys perspective on this. Any guys out here?

Miriam
I agree with Harley, Juliette and Lane.

What I read is a woman who is too focused on figuring out the man’s disorder instead of focusing on why you fell for someone like him to begin with.

I was with a narcissist for 4 years… it was mostly my fault because I saw red flags and chose to ignore them. I was also in a vulnerable place that he was able to figure out, and he used it against me to draw and keep me in.

I would suggest you stop analyzing HIM and start analyzing YOU. Fix YOU. Because if you don’t, you will just end up in another situatoin like this with a different man.

You are deflecting from yourself by all this research and talk about what is wrong with him. He should be history in your mind. He isn’t worth talking about. When I read your post it screamed narcissist – you have stepped away, now stay away. Chances are he will be back. They always are. You have to be strong and move on – get your own life in order and love yourself.

All the best.

LAgirl – It has been helpful to read about it in order to figure out what the problem may actually be. I didn’t know he was like that when I fell for him (as they’re really good at hiding it and when I did suspect something was wrong, I chose to ignore it in the beginning, just like you).

Despite of all the pain, I’m grateful for having spent more time with him this year. Without that, I would have reacted the same as last time he gave me the cold shoulder by continuing to initiate contact and wait for him to back. Now I know that the silent treatment in combination with everything else he has been up to, is typical for Narcs.

I am now aware enough to know that I am indeed capable of breaking this cycle and how to deal with it once he returns. Life goes on.

Thank you for your supportive comment. I sincerely appreciate it.

That may sound harsh, but have you considered that he doesn’t have a personality disorder? He just doesn’t have the right feelings for you?

This relationship has been all about him. He picks you up and puts you down when he feels like it. He only communicates when he wants to by the method he wants to. He will just ignore you when he feels like it. This is horrible behaviour but it doesn’t mean he’s mentally ill. He could just be an incredibly selfish man who doesn’t really care about you.

I had a similar thing with a guy once and I thought of narcissism etc. Nope. He was capable of love, he’s now a good father. He just didn’t really care about me.

The silent treatment is a passive aggressive way of controlling someone or telling them you’re hurt. I don’t see that in this case. You didn’t upset him. He just decided not to bother talking to you. That’s different. That’s bordering on contempt!

Whatever it is, you deserve much better treatment than this. I don’t understand the dynamics of your relationship. Are you both older? (Because wasting 4.5 years on a guy who treats you this way if you want a family etc is a very bad idea!) Is it an affair? (I just wonder because your expectations of him are so very low?)