Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › The "What are you looking for" Question
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Crisula.
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Bree
I think every single guy I’ve dated has asked me this question up front. That tells me that men are trying to feel something out with this Q. To be fair, I guess I ask this sometimes too, and I guess when I ask it I’m trying to find out how seriously they take dating. But, I really need help on this now, because I’ve been trying hard to learn from my many recent unsuccessful dating endeavors. TBH I think it was the man’s “fault” in almost all these cases and I’ve done a pretty good job–once we are dating. But I get the nagging feeling that I’m setting myself up for failure a bit right off the bat, and this is one component of that. I always hear that a woman should “know what she wants”. This confuses the hell out of me because some men who I start seeing quickly fall into the friends or FWB category. Others give me visions of my wedding day even if I’m in a spot where I “don’t have time” to seriously date at the moment. When they’re amazing, I find the time! So how do I answer this question?? How even does a dream woman answer this question?? What’s the test?! Maybe I don’t know what I want and that’s the problem? I’m so confused.
walucy
Others give u vision of wedding day. that’s great!
Mistral
How do you answer that question?
You DON’T. You simply tell the truth–that you are dating so that you can see who you gel with and see where it can go from there.
Then, you observe them and keep reminding yourself that in order to find out if you want to spend a lifetime with the guy, you have to get to know him properly and that doesn’t happen in a couple months. It takes time to get to know a person, so until then, you treat him like he’s on probation at work…he has to perform to the satisfaction of the boss if he is to be hired permanently…which means he has to treat you properly, or you walk.
Bree
Thanks. Mistral, that last paragraph you wrote is very true but I already consider that a permanent part of my dating mindset. Learned it the hard way! But now I definitely keep a man at arm’s lengthy until things really materialize. I’m moreso asking this question because I want to know the intentions behind it. I’ve heard some people say it is lazy and only somthing a player would ask—like, translation, how easily do you put out? Seems like all the guys I’m into are only the very sexy ones, and the very sexy ones seem to take major advantage of their looks, ie are players. So I’m trying to recognize any early patterns in my dating life that may be there.
Lagirl
Because if you are washy washy and tell the man the following
1. I’m not ready for a relationship
2. I’m just looking to have fun
3. I don’t want anything serious
4. I want to take things slow and see where things goOr anything along those lines.. He will take it at face value. So if he is a man who only wants fwb, he will continue seeing u and seeking sex because you told him you were up for it. Even if he’s a man who is looking for a relationship but biding his time and doesn’t really see a future with you, he may still take it into fwb land u til he meets the woman he does want a commitment with.
Some wome say those things to sound cool or not too anxious. It’s not good to do, because you’ll end up hurt if you fall for the man.. Which most women end up doing.
The best response is to say you are looking for a committed relationship with the right person. See if he responds in like. If he says anything like the bullets above, then you probably want to move on because you’ll likely just get fwb.
whiskeyagogo
It’s a silly question. No one is going to say “Well, I’m looking for a tattooed biker with a drug problem.” It’s like an employer asking you “what are your weaknesses?” You’re going to say something banal, like “I’m hypercritical of myself”, not “well, I like to steal stationery…”
Lagirl
Whiskey
It’s a totally appropriate question and it should be asked. No man is going to say he is looking for a relationship if he isn’t interested in commitment or a gf. Period. That is why they try to suss out the candidates that fit what they are looking for.If you lie, then that’s your problem. When a woman comes off cool and say she is ok with casual to see where things go..then the man will run with it and also remind her later down the road that he agreed to only casual.
Bree
Lagirl, that actually helped me a lot, a lightbulb went off when I read those 2 posts. I think I was right in translating it as, How easily do you put out? And what you reminded me of is that–a man doesn’t WANT a relationship, he gets into one basically when he has to, after finding a worth-it woman. So it’s up to me to “set the bar”. There are 100 different answers you could give, only ONE of them is “I want a real committed relationship”. If you give ANY other answer it means that you don’t want one. Do I have this right? lol
Thank you ladies any more input? :-0Lane
Hi Bree.
A man who asks it is looking for an FWB IMO. Men KNOW what majority of women are dating for (the ring) and if they have to ask then I think they are fishing for something other than that. I would just be honest and let them know that the purpose of dating is to find a potential mate and if we click great and if not that’s fine too because it takes time and two people to create a partnership.
Rose
A dude just asked me that. I said, maybe same as you. I want to meet someone I’m attracted to, date, get to know each other and see if that turns into something meaningful. That’s the only thing I could come up with.
I think in general lets’s them know you’re not looking for a fling or FWB because you use the word meaningful, I don’t want to give the guy the impression that I’m hunting for a husband right away or an instant boyfriend.
I hope I did It well, although he said “you make it sound so easy” … And haven’t heard from him since then (Friday) lol
He is in a relationship/marriage website so I don’t think he’d get scared by my explanation.
CiCi
Lane has a good point. Never thought of it that way!
whiskeyagogo
LA,I never said that you tell a guy that you want something casual. I said that it’s impossible to know what you want with a person until you’ve been dating them for several months. Mistral is correct – date around, enjoy their company, etc, and then worry about where it’s all going.
Lagirl
Whiskey,
You miss the point… No one said you tell that person on the first date you want a meaningful relationship with THEM… You say in general you are dating to get into a LTR.Sure, if you say you have a timeline and want marriage and kids in the next year, that just might push even a good man away… But
If you keep it vague, more times than not you will end Ina fwb and trying to turnit around. There’s nothing wrong with saying what you want in your future. And no man who really likes you is going to run away.
whiskeyagogo
I didn’t disagree with that either. I said it was a silly question, because more often than not, you’re going to get the answer you want to hear, not the truth.
I mean, what guy who is looking for casual sex is going to tell a woman that? Not many. But through their actions, a savvy girl will catch on quick.
It’s not a question that can glean any kind of tangible information, therefore, I don’t see the point of asking it. Just because you tell a guy that you’re looking for an LDR doesn’t mean he won’t be able to charm some poor woman into a FWB situation.
Forget what someone says, and look at what they do.
whiskeyagogo
And a man who does like you will run away if you act like a psycho. Love is conditional.
Lagirl
More times than not, the man exactly tells the woman what he wants and not what she wants to hear. Women simply refuse to pay attention and twist what they say into what she wants to hear.
How many women on here are told right up front;
I’m not looking for a relationship right now
I am not looking for a gf
I’m still hurt from my last relationship… I got burned
I want to take things slow
I don’t believe in labels
I’m not sure what I want right now
I am not a good bf
I’m too good for someone like youAnd on and on… Men do tell you. Then women hang in there and hope they can turn it around by sex or being the best gf they can be, beleiving he will fall for her anyway.
Yes, some players will say all the right things at first, but the tip off is that it’s usually over the top statements like:
I could marry someone like you, I could see us having kids together, etc…Lagirl
And no… Men do not run off when you use this tactic…. I gained my husband with this approach, as well as other Ltrs..
whiskeyagogo
I didn’t say men will be turned off by this tactic. You said that “no man who really likes you will run away”. Everyone has a threshold, liking someone is not enough to stay with them.
patsytshirt
I read ‘players’ forum and blogs and they say that it doesn’t matter if the woman is looking for long term, or writes in her dating profile that she wants something serious. they advise other men to go for it anyway because a lot of women have poor boundaries and if the player insists and play his cards right she will allow fb/fwb/casual etc. their goal is to have sex as early as possible.
whiskeyagogo
Patsy’s right. Telling the guy that you’re dating for keeps doesn’t mean anything. Stay mum, and watch his actions, he’ll reveal himself soon enough.
Lagirl
Which is why you keep sex off the table until you know his intentions… There is more to it than saying what you want.its how you act. Don’t say you don’t want to be a booty call and sleep with him on the first or second meet.
I agree… It’s not just saying whT you want, but not falling for players and being consistent in what you say you want.
redcurleysue
I would answer that question with, “The love of my life.”
Then I would ask them what they are looking for.
Your answer is really not important…men don’t go by what you say but what you do counts.
If I am looking for the love of my life I am not having sex with just anyone…I am looking for a special someone to have sex with.
If they want sex after that I tell them I do not know them well enough or have feelings deep enough yet to have sex.
Bree
Thank you for all the input!
I think some posters misunderstood my question a bit–I could not care less where any of my dating endeavors are going. At this point, I have been in the dating game for so long, am so exhausted by it, and have temporarily given up all enthusiasm. Honestly, I date so I can get out of the house and make new connections with people that I wouldn’t otherwise, since I don’t live near any of my girlfriends anymore. I don’t even think I want a commitment, but I don’t even bother much to think about it, I’m much more concerned with what kind of hot guy I can get to take me out for drinks and great conversation. Lol. Anyways, the reason I asked this is so that I can possibly WEED OUT some of the major player types, not even because I mind a player but because I want to crack the code of what’s at play early on that I may be missing. If there were full disclosure in everything then I would have no issues. I just want to know. I hate that feeling of being in the dark about what he’s trying to do. I don’t care what it is, but I want to know so that I can gage if he’s worth my time. Literally! I’m so busy, I don’t have time to go out much, so if you’re an idiot player type and you’re revealing that to me early on then I would like to know so I can skip right over you. It just makes it hard because I am literally not physically attracted to 99% of guys. Yep, I’d say that’s an accurate percentage based on how many truly attractive men I’ve met in the past couple years. Some great input here though, like I said, made a lightbulb go off….I think everybody gave a different angle but I agree with most points. Red makes a good point that it’s your actions that really matter, men do pay attention to words but not as any info as far as boundaries. Boundaries they only respect according to what you do. Patsy backs this up with that excerpt from the Players blog–good point, they ask just for the hell of it (ilke Whiskey said) and their appraoch is preetty much the same no matter what you say
Bree
I think I’ll just say, “My keys.” LOL
Bree
And Lane confirmed pretty much exactly what I was thinking
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