They said they felt bad

P, you’ve posted about this person many times. You have a history of issues. You have another thread going on the board right now called “Distance is causing issues”, and in that post you said something that jumped out at me: “We have such a great time together when we don’t have life and work stresses.” A relationship that can’t flourish while at the same time dealing with life and work stresses is nothing but a fantasy. If you can’t find a way to build a relationship while also incorporating all of life’s responsibilities and stresses, you won’t get very far, I’m afraid.

You mentioned in the other post I referred to, that you live 80 km away from your girlfriend. So she’s under the weather, but maybe she felt up to going over to a neighbor’s to feed their cats, or have a cup of tea, but she didn’t feel up to driving 80 km? I presume she didn’t have to drive 80 km to feed the cats?

@lizlemon

you are right. About both. We are happy in a fantasy life together. I love my life she hates most things about hers, but our time together.

I do get the distance thing, but I guess what I struggle with is that again when I really needed her she was not there. I’m seeing a pattern where I will drop everything to be there for her, even if I’m not feeling that great but she doesn’t seem do the same. It was a medical emergency on the weekend, I felt that with a cold thing she could could have made more of an effort. I would have and did to drop supplies to her.

I’m also aware that I’m find a lot at fault with her. She is different to me and that’s ok, it just that she needs a lot of help with her emotional anxiety issues but when I need her on occasion she isn’t able to be there for me in the same way.

she knew I wanted and needed her after the accident, I didn’t say anything but I guess she knew I had expectations of her stepping up and being there. She got defensive during a call, saying how she knew I needed her and she felt bad but she just can’t keep up and keep everyone happy, how she knows she is always falling me, she can’t get it right with me. I then as always jump in and say yes it would have been good but it’s ok, I understand. I end up comforting her and dismissing my own needs. If I voice my needs then I am needy, and she spirls into how she just can’t get it right with me.

A lot of this I feel is the pressure she feels with extent I go to for her but she can’t or won’t for me.

It sounds like your relationship is unbalanced. You’re there for her but she’s not there for you in the same way. And if you voice your needs, she calls you needy and makes it about her and her supposed failings, so you end up having to drop the topic and comfort her. Which is pretty manipulative.

Like Raven said, is this how you want to live? She isn’t going to change. The fantasy life you have with her may be good, but its not enough. You should be with someone who can be there for you and support you when times are difficult.