Things awkward after having sex for the first time

My guess is that he’s banking on you caving in and agreeing to see him again (since he knows you like him) so he’ll chat you up occasionally until you give in OR he’ll wait for you to text him again and then that will reinforce the idea in his head that you’re needy and want more than he’s willing to give. If I were you, I would not text again. If he reaches out again, I would reply courteously but without any real interest. I would not ask questions back. The only way to feel good about yourself again after this is to get some of the power back, and you do that by not caring. If he never texts you again, his loss. If he texts you every day for the next week, doesn’t mean anything unless he wants to be exclusive or discuss the possibility of exclusivity. Trust me, he’s hoping you’ll cave and go back on your morals, so please don’t. If you have to block him to move on, do so. I’ve been in the situation before and I felt 100 times better whenever I stuck to my guns and politely refused to do anything I wasn’t ready to do.

You say it doesn’t seem to end but YOU are the one who keeps pushing this and outright asked him what he thought about seeing you!! What are these issues you know about to make him unsure of what he wants to do? We can’t give you good advice if we only have part of the information!

I knew this from a long time ago but his parents are divorced and his mother cheated on his dad. After that he told me had emotional problems while he was at school and at one point he was really depressed. He managed to get better but his brothers still struggling he said so they don’t talk. He doesn’t really talk to his mother anymore but he just recently connected with his father.

He kept saying that he wants to talk to his mother about what happened but he’s scared. He said recently he’s been trying to fill the void but nothings been helping and he’s been thinking about it a lot.

Of course I know his issues are real but I don’t know if it’s an excuse to avoid my question.

That’s what I thought… so I said just be clear – if you’re not sure about me, it’s okay.

I meant it in a – If you’re not sure about me, its okay I’m ready to leave this situation and go my own way – kind of way.

I told him that if he wants to continue seeing me he can’t be seeing others at the same time. But if he’s not sure about seeing me, then fine.

He said he’ll tell me after the weekend, but I’m seriously having doubts about how much I really want this guy now. It’s not worth the effort…

Hi all, I thought I’d leave an update.

Last time we talked he told me he’ll message me after the weekend about it and on Friday he said he’ll tell me more about the ‘crisis’ in person next time and I replied saying ‘okay tell me more later’. We didn’t text the whole weekend and its Monday morning now, but after giving it a lot of thought I’ve come to a conclusion that:

I’m not sure if he’ll contact me again, and even if he does it’s probably going to be what I don’t want to hear.

I have a feeling that either he wasn’t sure and changed his mind about me, or he was just after sleeping with me.

I don’t want to be accusing him of things cause I do realise that I made the choices I made. It sucks cause I thought this was going somewhere and I was starting to like him. I didn’t want to hold back from what I was feeling and play games so I slept with him when I wanted to and asked about where it was going when I felt it was right. You know they say that you shouldn’t play games, but it feels like the people who do end up in relationships or find the right person know how to ‘play’ it right. It seems like most of my dating encounters so far have not ended well. I guess I have a lot to learn about dating.

Just want to thank everyone for the advice and opinions. I appreciate everyone who talked through this with me. I would’ve gone crazy otherwise. I’ve definitely also learnt my lesson.

I really do hope that in the future, I don’t have to come back here. I don’t mean it in a bad way, but if I’m freaking out on here then it means that things aren’t going right or won’t end well.

@Melissa – I don’t know how it ended for you, but I hope you’re alright.

No Erma I’m not offended by that. I guess I asked him because exclusivity was something we hadn’t talked about before. So rather than assuming things I wanted to give him a chance to know that I’m not seeing others, and what I want is to just see him exclusively.

You’re right though! I think next time I need to be straightforward and if we’re not on the same page, I need to learn to move on to find someone who is. I can’t wait for someone to change their mind about wanting me.

Could I be right in thinking he was already was in some sort of relationship when he was seeing you?

Its very odd that you only saw him on Sundays and he didnt introduce you to his friends or bring you home freely.

Elle, all I’m going to say is do the OPPOSITE next time. You are allowing your hormones and emotions to control you, to the point you latch onto a guy far too fast and then try to force it by trying to show them what a great GF you would make!

Men don’t think this way. They know within a very short time where a woman stands (friend, sex buddy, GF/wife). When they get butterflies in their stomach and want to be around you all the time that’s when a man has fallen in love and these men can’t contain it for too long and will tell you very quickly because they don’t want to risk losing you to another man.

I get it, I’ve had crushes and done things in my earlier days that I would cringe at today but thankfully I LEARNED (thanks to my dad being my dating mentor) pursuing a man IS NOT the way to his heart. The man has to fully want you to be in it and when that happens will do everything in his power to prove what a wonderful BF he would make over many months, not a few dates—if a man isn’t doing this then it A NO and time TO GO!

Elle,

You’re totally right about taking a break from dating because what I see from you is lacking self-love and self-confidence. A confident woman will have set of standards and not letting any men troll them around. The fact that you had sex with him in early stage when he’s not committed with you yet made he lost interest in you. And we can’t blame that on men because it’s the hormone in their body react like that after they have sex with us. In the opposite, women tend to fall in love with men after sex due to the oxytocin hormone released in our body. It’s human biology and it’s really hard for us women to resist that. That’s why it’s recommended women shouldn’t have sex so early and even if you have sex with your man already, you need to know that the fact you had sex with him doesn’t effect YOUR decision whether or not to be with him. You have to know that there are so many options out there for you to choose and if he doesn’t want the same thing as you want, then you’re not afraid to walk away. Again, for a woman to understand it, you need to work on your confidence and self-love. I recommend to shift the energy back to yourself and focus on yourself, find a new hobby, make new friends, go to the gym. Do something fun that make you happy and a right man will come to you :)

P/S: Once that man who left you for another girl saw that you’re so happy with your life, he will be attracted to you again and will chase you again. Eventually I’m sure he will crawl back to you if his current girl doesn’t know how to keep him (majority of women don’t know how to keep their man) because again his testosterone hormone control that and sometimes men don’t understand why they behave that way. Maybe at that time when you’re so confident about yourself that you don’t want him to come back into your life anymore :)

Hi elke,
At least this guy came clean in the end so you can move on. Youre super young and have all the time of the world. Its a good thing you ran into a guy like this so you can learn from it. You will be great:-)

Elle
Every time I was single starting at age 19 everyone seemed to think I had to have a man to be happy. That is so untrue. We are capable of holdind down a job and keeping a roof over our head and being self sufficient. Piece of advice I had a male friend that we went out for dinner and/or movie or just hang out alomost every week. I paid half of the bill so there was no expectation. The advantage I had was we were friends and I knew he was dating or having sex with girls. We stayed platonic b/c I knew his history.

I have a friend that I have known for quite a few years that told me when I am completely unattached he really doesn’t want to be just friends. I already put everything out in the open when and if sex comes into play I don’t do fwb I expect to be the only one he is having sex with and depending on how we get along a committed relationship and to get married somewhere down the road.

I really hope this works out for you. Either way no matter what happens it is for the best. Make sure it is what is best for you until you are in a committed/married relationship. Then there has to be some compromise from both of you.