Think I'm too old for all this

What do you want with this guy? If you are looking for a real relationship there is no chance. He is treating you horrible, honey.

Hi Flower,
thanks for the reply.

I don’t really get it, when I’m stood chatting with my friends they rell me he’s just walked past or he’s looking over.

What I didn’t explain very well was, it all went quiet a few weeks ago. A few of his mates were hanging round me and chatting, now I think they were trying to wind him up. He got a bit arsey and didnt chat with them or me for the rest of the night.
It seems to have stemmed from that night.

Another of his mates told me to go and speak to him as he gets shy and puts on a front, but I said he knows where I am, I’m not following him around.

We usually hook up when we’ve had a night where we’ve chatted more and people arent getting involved, then he’s said can we meet and I have too.

He’s made it clear it isnt sleeping with anyone else. I do believe him, as I know the only time he’s out it at the wine bar and he’s asked my what I do in between seeing him also, so I know it was on his mind too.

If he is not calling and asking you out…just you and him….then he is not dating you.

If he is not trying to date you then what else is there? Chatting when you see each other at the bar?

He is not treating you seriously…so I would not think of him seriously. It is that simple.

Thanks Kathy,

Yes I am new back on the dating scene, and he’s only been back on it a few years after
a long marriage.
But I will read more on this site.

Redcurlysue – I know I’m not dating him, I suppose I’m thinking he’s trying to work things out himself too. The time before last we slept together, he stayed the night, and a few things were said in as much as him saying, he doesnt sleep around, he was shocked that I’d asked if he had slept with anyone within the few weeks we hadn’t. He said what! it’s only a few weeks, no way. He asked me to trust him. I told him I will ask everytime.
See my neighbour, and I suppose this is why I’m on here, thinks he’s backed off because he started doing things that was showing his feelings and he’s not ready for a relationtship yet, after such a long marriage.

I’m too out of a long marriage from a few years back and I don’t think I know what I want and have taken a long time trying to work it. In between I’ve been sat in doors, thats wasn’t the answer either.

I cant change bars as my friends go there and we connect with other friends in there.

I perhaps need to stay in a for few weeks till I find my head. Not sure what my friends will say where I am when or if he asks though. He’s not a nasty person so I
don’t want my friend to give him an attitude – just a good excuse maybe.

This additional information doesn’t help.

Let me give an example of why.

When I first started dating my now fiancé, I had casually known him for a year. I used to see him almost daily at a place we mutually visited. At the time I had a BF, so it wasn’t until I became single again that he sought me out and courted me.

When he first asked me for a date, after a YEAR of knowing me, we went on real dates. He always prep landed them and they were never home dates. When we discussed sex , we agreed to hold off on sex for at least 5 dates, so that we could focus on getting to know each other.

What I’m trying to convey to you is that ‘knowing him’ isn’t the same as him making the effort to court you and win you over. From the start this was just an easy hook up for him.

He may have pulled back because he didn’t want you to catch feelings, or he’s had his fill and is ready to move on to someone else.

Him staring at you doesn’t mean much. In fact many men will seem to act jealous, even when they don’t really want you. It’s just an ego and territorial thing. Like when a dog if ignores the bone, until another dog comes along. Then that first dog will fight to the death over a bone that he didn’t want, until the other dog showed interest.

I am not talking at all about whether you had sex or not….I am wondering why you two are not going out beyond the bar and home.

Usually if a man has interest he wants to get to know you. He also wants to take you places the two of you enjoy. The bar is one place on the whole planet. Do you not like to go to a concert? Or the movies? Or anywhere else?

What I am saying is this connection sounds like a convenience, your friends, his friends, the bar and home. What are his interests beyond the bar….maybe you can fish in that stream?

Hi Redcurlysue

Yes I know, and I get what your saying and that would be nice.
I suppose I should have pushed in that direction earlier, I too have let it get to this.

But I am going to stay in for a few weeks now –

i do need a good excuse as to where I am hwne he asks, I dont want them to go overboard or say I’m sat at home either.

Delta-

Why do you need an excuse for why you’re not going to the bar?? You’re an adult, just say I didn’t feel like going. If he asks you personally why you weren’t going, I would just say I didn’t feel like going and, btw, would you like to go to ________________ sometime and just hang out?

It sounds like he’s comfortable with the bar scene as either a hangout or as a hunting ground. Me, I would want something different.

thanks Tom, good advice, and good idea -.

Can I just say, and honestly I’m not sticking up for, I suppose it’s why I’m having a hard time with it all as well.

I did ask about him before I went out with him, as I have a distant family member whose friends with him and also a friend of mine from 10 years ago. She told me (when i said he was showing interest) that she’s known him 4 years and he went out with a girl for 6 months, he’s very much a lads lad and a little quiet.
The family member was the one that said speak to him, he can be shy and feels awkward at times but he’s a nice guy – was married and not really bothered much since.

But I will stay away anyway – for my reasons, and tell me friends to say she didnt want to go out etc.

But yeah Tom if I do hear from him, I will say – do you fancy lunch etc. Othewise leave it there .

Hi Tom,

I really appreaciate your advice from a mans point of view.

I know I’ve been daft, as i say, 20 years in a crap marriage and being the good wife got me know where but underweight.

5 years out of that, I’ve put weight on, any never looked better, so after sitting in for years after marraige broke down, I stayed in till my H left me alone completely.

Started going out and got so much attention – because I’m happy I think, and to be honest I get more attention from younger men, but I never entertain them.
This guy and I have a lot in common, as we work in the same age, profession, music, plus other things.

But yeah I ‘ll go back to thinking twice before I deide on anyone and maybe not wait months I used to but perhaps more than a few weeks.

Hi Alia,

Thanks for the reply, but honestly I do understand totally there is more to a relationship than sex, I mean I’m in my 50’s so have lived quite a lot.
I know I have been naive on this subject – but I’m not totally in the closet about life.

But yes I should start treating myself better. It’s just I didn’t see it as a f@@k buddy thing as it wasn’t discussed as anything like that. Also we went on a few dates, clubbing and meal. And his manner of showing slight jealousy when people came near me meant – to me – thats more than fb signals.

It’s obviously what he’s resorted it to, which I’m having no game in.
His loss, he prob thinks he has better fish to fry, but thats upto him.

I’ve decided to stay in a few weeks and get on with my work as I have so much to do.

p.s. Sorry everyone about all the grammer/speeling mistakes in my post last night, I was so tired of it all, but feel a little better this morning.

hey dont beat yourself up about this. The only thing you did wrong was expect more from someone, nothing wrong with that. I would just chalk this down to experience and all part of the new adventure that dating is. Never leave a bar with any guy for security reasons if nothing else, even with mutual friends you really dont know these days. By all means give a guy your number but not right away, tell him you will maybe see him in the bar again at some point, if thats your usual haunt. I wouldnt stop going to the bar either, why put your fun and social life on hold because of some lame guy, just get back out there and live your life. I would even try to see this guy as a potential friend he doesnt sound a bad guy, just a bit scared but its not like he was horrible to you. Just say hi and then forget about him and enjoy your night with your friends. x