Third date coming up

Thanks all for your replies !
I knew I liked him so far and I was happy to spend time getting to know him . I honestly am not that person to bring up a serious topic so fast . I’m definitely not eager to be in just any relationship , I’ve had my fair share and they often do suck.
It was in fact him who brought this up out of the blue . I was frustrated because I felt he was taking advantage , and rather than assessing me and getting to know me , I felt his mind was already made up and he was basically telling me this is going nowhere . So I was upset he thought he could waste my time .
I do regret getting into a conversation about it. I certainly was not trying to hook him into a relationship . Ironically by bringing this up I felt he was ruining the getting to know each other vibe.
But honestly , to anyone who said this is a red flag I super agree . He said it completely out of the blue ! It’s not like I was asking him what he thinks about us . I was truly enjoying the moment and he ruined it .

To anyone who said I should have just left it and not let my emotions take control , I definitely agree about that! that was my mistake

Omg! This man did not waste your time, did not take advantage, or owe it to you to give it more of a shot.

You need some perspective…. you went on 3 dates. He chose not to take it any further. Or was never open to more – it does not matter. It is called dating and honestly you do not seem to be detached enough to actually date.

And he did not say anything out of the blue. You made a comment about where you were in the dating process. He made a comment. You dragged him into a long conversation about it.

This is how this should go: Oh well, we don’t want the same things. Too bad and glad I know early. Next. Maybe I should go read a book.

I did not say have no feelings, small disappointment is totally reasonable. You don’t over invest. You realize where you are in the process and do not run away with your feelings – which are now projections anyhow because you don’t know this guy at all. You pay attention to red flags. But the biggest issue for you is that you take it soooo personally. At 3 dates your value should not be so affected. Disappointed yes, but this level no. The 0 fs rule…. you enjoy, but you take nothing personally about any man who is not your boyfriend because he is not real until the ink is signed as they say…

I’m not sad it ended at this point . I’m just a bit embarrassed by how I reacted . True , I shouldn’t have taken it personally as it was not personal at all , and it was probably due to his own reasons , whatever they may be .

Will need to learn to not take things personally . You have a good point there .

Vera, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes in the heat of the moment.

What’s important is what you do from here.

I was once told by a close friend (when my heart was breaking cuz it didn’t workout with a guy I was dating)…”He didn’t really know you because if he did, he wouldn’t have been able to leave you.”

Not sure where she got that from but know that a guy who see’s you for you and values that will not want to let you go.

If he can’t see how great you are, his loss. On to the next!

I know this is old school but the term “dating” was initially used for prostitutes back in the 1800’s. Men went on a date with them for the sole purpose of procuring sex. Seems its come back but instead of needing to hire a prostitute, they just need to score “a date” with any lady, buy a dinner or two, and that’s all they need to do to get some sex.

Back when I started meeting guys, in the romantic sense (late 70’s) we didn’t go with strangers on solo dates, especially right out of the gate, without getting to know them non-romantically first most often in group settings (while at the roller skating rink, friends party, school, lived in the same neighborhood, church, etc.), which also included *meeting the father* before we did. We primarily engaged in “courting” as we were rarely alone during the first month or two, as there was always someone within our vicinity, so this helped to keep it out of the sexual realm, and focused more on emotional bonding as most of our time together was spent with other people around such as friends, family, and groups; such a group of us going to the beach; meeting at a friend’s house with other friends there; double-dates; sitting on the curb or car in front of the house with the parents at home, etc.

After a few public/group outings if we were really keen on each other, we might slip away to a secret location (garage, car, bushes, etc.) to get in a bit of kissing (aka “making out”) but that was about the extent of it. Sex didn’t happen until we were an official couple (BF/GF), when he said “I love you” and the lady said “I love you back, where at that point we would start spending some solo time together, which is how the *makeout sessions* lead to a few of my friends getting knocked up while in or shortly after HS with their HS sweethearts. Even then, most of the courting still took place in public and group settings, as sex wasn’t the primary goal, it was seeing how you meshed as a couple with the goal towards marriage if it continued to go really well. Most of my pregnant friends (not all) did end up marrying those guys because they were on the pathway to marriage anyhow, they just married sooner v. later.

Note: It was also a common practice for *some women* back then to trap a guy into marriage with a pregnancy. That practice began to backfire around the mid 80’s and why *single motherhood* had doubled by the mid 1990’s, and tripled by mid 2000. The US has the highest number of single mothers than any other country in the world at over 23% where the lowest is Afghanistan at 1%—imagine that. The average is 7% with all the countries combined to put it into perspective.

Thankfully my dad was an integral part of my early courting days, as men are really good at sussing out other men pretty quickly. My dad would tell me straight up if he was a good guy, or a scumbag lol. This really helped me to learn how to judge/sniff out men quickly as I went along. Of course I had to try to prove my dad wrong a time or two but he always ended up being right! Its sad women no longer have their father or male role model guiding them through this process when they are young, and start getting ‘boy crazy’ as it really helped me to avoid so many of the pitfalls women experience today because no one is helping them properly navigate the romantic field, and why its become a one big major “dating” sheetshow.

I should also note that everyone else’s advice really helped , and everyone else seems to be of a specific mindset (either leave or give it a chance), where Lane’s answers seemed to be opposites (at least in my interpretation of what she said!) which is why I’m asking to clarify :)
I still took everyone else’s advice to heart and appreciated all of them

It’s tough because people can change their minds. When I met my bf he was scarred from a very traumatic divorce. I won’t go into details, but his ex really stabbed him in the back and did him wrong. At the time we started dating, if you were to ask him, he would have told you he was not looking for a serious relationship. I didn’t press the issue at all in our first few dates. I really liked him, but decided to date for fun and just see where it went. In fact when we had been dating about a month, he told me during a night of drinking that he would never get married again and didn’t want more kids (which was fine with me, because I’m not concerned about getting married again either– we are both in our 40s and divorced, with one child each). I really didn’t concern myself with “where it was going”. We had a strong connection and enjoyed each others’ company, and the sex was awesome, so I just remained open to whatever would come without trying to micromanage things.

Well here we are 2 years later. Not only are we discussing marriage but he has said he would like to have another child with me (not gonna happen, we’re both in our 40s! but we have talked about it and agreed that, in different circumstances, basically if we were younger, we would have).

My situation is very different from yours. I don’t have the pressure of wanting to marry and have kids, I’ve been married and have a kid, so I was truly free to date just for pleasure. But I think that made the difference. If 2 years ago when my bf and I were first dating, I brought up marriage and kids, it would have most likely ended things. My bf was not in a place mentally or emotionally to even consider those things. Our relationship has really changed him (for the better), not because I “fixed” him in any way, but because with me he is free to truly be himself and do the things that make him happy. That was not the case with his ex wife.

Each couple’s situation is unique. I only share this story to illustrate that yes, guys can change their minds. But it’s a gamble, you don’t want to date a guy for years that truly does not want the same things you do. On the other hand, putting a lot of pressure on a guy early on to define what he wants can backfire.

If marriage and kids is important to you, I certainly don’t think you should date a guy for a long time who doesn’t want those things; but I think if he is clearly committed to you, and the relationship is progressing, you can certainly give it a few months of dating. Despite what my ex said about never wanting to get married again after we’d been dating a month, I definitely felt our relationship was deepening and progressing (and still is). So it’s more than just what he says, it’s how he acts. On the flip side, a guy could say he is open to marriage/kids but never progress or deepen your relationship, so it goes nowhere– so it’s about actions as much as words, I think.

Liz answered it well. It ultimately comes down to where each person is, at particular points in their life. Some are ready, some need time to get there, and others have absolutely no desire to get there at all (lifelong bachelor).

Back in my day men and ladies were still being groomed at a young age, usually after HS, to settle down and start a family so the social norms were much different than they are today. I attribute today’s environment to the breakdown of the family unit and then the college phenomena. Parents, grandparents, close family members and heck, even neighbors use to raise the kids. Its not that way today, where too many kids are left to their own devices, such as TV, computers, peers, social media, etc. and then go out into the world only to be loaded down with school loans and debt to the point they don’t have the financial means to even support themselves, let alone a family, so its not even on their radar.

I fell into relationships easily because I didn’t do the husband hunting thing. I was just having fun, doing the single thing, where I was perfectly fine and content whether I had a BF or not, in fact, there were a lot of times I preferred not having any as they would get in the way of my freedom too much, or keep me from meeting/seeing other guys I might like better lol. I didn’t really have to do anything but show up, if they asked, whereas I let the man do most of the heavy lifting (initiating, planning, and keeping in contact) as it was one of the things my dad taught me about men early on thankfully–If they showed very little or no interest, it meant “they didn’t like me” so I needed to not like back haha.

Same thing for men. When they meet that lady they want to be in a relationship with, they will get into a relationship with her. Of course men like the attention of female companionship, no differently than woman like the companionship of men but a women’s type of companionship and a man’s type of companionship may be on two totally different pages/planets, which is why you need to be skeptical, with no pressure, until the man divulges it to you on his own.

A man who wants you to be his GF will tell you, if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t—men really are that simple!

Great! Thanks all for your replies . And thanks Lane for clarifying . I’ve certainly met men who do make it clear early on what they’re looking for, even in general terms as soon as the first or second date . Will continue on this path and hopefully will meet a good match for me.