This Is Why Men Ghost!

I think in many cases I have seen women get obsessed over the guy that disappears because of their ego.
What I’ve learned is it’s your ego that can’t take the rejection.
I mean no one likes to be rejected.
However, I agree take what a guy says and move along. The sooner you do that the sooner you can find someone else who wants you around.

I disagree with this. There’s many ways to validate “ghosting” but bottom line it’s cowardly. So what if it “gives hope”, if someone’s that diluted that’s on them. You can’t blame OTHERS or their assumed future reactions for your poor etiquette. Open, honest, communication is always the most respectful. The main problem is that people base decisions out of fear rather than core values. If what I have to say could possibly be hurtful but if I DON’T say it, my integrity is compromised, guess what, you’re gonna hear what I have to f*cking say. Lol. If you can’t take it, maybe consider your OWN inner resolve rather than think I’m a b*tch… That’s life!

I am sorry but I will NEVER buy into the fact that ghosting is acceptable!! And I will NEVER believe that ghosting is less cruel than telling someone it’s not working and it’s over. I think ignoring someone is much more cruel. And the fact you say this after reading some of the ghosting stories on here and how distraught these women are makes it even more cruel that you can sit here and condone taking the easy way out. It’s only easy for the ghost. At least if you tell them it’s over and they don’t get the hint, then you have every right to ignore them. But to actually ignore someone you care about and let them sit there and keep sending you texts until they realize it is over? Please explain to me how that is easier on either party.

And I’m not talking about a guy ghosting after 2-3 dates because he’s not interested. I’m talking about a guy you’ve been seeing, he’s been initiating contact, initiating the dates, showing genuine interest, you’ve been dating 2-3 months, you’ve been in daily contact and then BAM….nothing.

And this is you rationalizing in your own mind your actions. This is the biggest bunch of BS I’ve ever heard. “Because the clearest most obvious way to get someone to understand it’s over (and there is no hope of it resuming) is to disappear.” NO…NO…NO. The CLEAREST and most obvious way to get someone to understand it’s over is to actually freaking say that it’s over. You tell them and then you can disappear and ignore them all you want. But not telling someone and leaving them hanging and guessing and wondering if it’s over and the fact it takes them sending multiple texts to be ignored to figure it out is mean and cruel. My opinion is that only an emotionally immature person would say that’s the best way to deal with another human being’s feelings.

I posted this before and will include it here with question: Is that a form of ghosting?
Thank you.

My post:
Hello all,

First I do want to apologize for my English since it is my second language.
And here is my problem….nothing new, well it is new for me since never been in situation like that.
Best described with this:
Meeting him was fate, becoming his friend was a choice, but falling in love with him was far beyond my control.
It is a typical story: we know each other for long time (over 30 years), had crush on each other for years since we were kids (14 years old)
Lost track for years just to reconnect sometime ago.
Attraction is still there and very strong. Been out on several dates, keep in touch daily, had amazing sex. We don’t see each other often (200 km distance) but when we do he try his best to spend whole day with me. Sometimes it is just drive around, lunch, walk on the beach no sex involved and sometimes we do spend night together.
We got close and consider each other best friends.
Long story short….I got attached to him but don’t know how he feels about me and if this is going anywhere.
So I asked.
He said that he doesn’t want his crazy life to affect my life. He really want to stay friends, continue to see me but his life is complicated. It’s a mix of separation, kids, hectic work tempo (he runs two companies). He is used to all this and it is only way that he knows for now.
I know he does care about me, just I don’t know on which level. Once he told me just because he doesn’t show feelings, doesn’t mean he don’t have them….we were talking about something not related to us when he said that.
His work is his escape and it has been for many years and I think this is where he feel safe. Often he say that now he is on right track in his life and all is going as planned but just need time. Want to sort his personal and business life by next year when turning 50.There’s method in his madness from what I had chance to see over the course of months.

Where to go from here?

Thank you.

It’s my fault for not being more clear in what I meant. So let me try this again.

1)I have never just disappeared on someone I was dating. If it wasn’t working out,I have always told them I didn’t want to see them anymore. If they wanted to know why, I told them. After that, if they continued to contact me, I did not respond. So “ghosting” is not the right term in this situation. Because I did end it-before going silent.

2)I don’t believe that if you go out with someone once or twice that they owe you an explanation why they don’t want to see you again. That has been called ghosting at times, which I also do not believe is accurate.

So I misused the term ghosting in this thread.

I think a “ghost” is someone you are in some kind of a relationship with, and they just disappear without explanation. I don’t condone or agree with that. If you are good enough for them to spend ongoing consistent time with you, it should be ended in a conversation.

What I did mean to address is the inability to let go.

No one is obligated to continue to have any kind of contact with you once it’s over. That is really more my point.

I agree that if a guy tells you it’s over or tells you he does not want a relationship & you still hold out hope, go into convincer mode, etc I can completely understand them disappearing when the girl is just doing too much & won’t take the hint. ESPECIALLY when the guy is decent enough to tell her & she just won’t accept it. I feel sorry for guys who do the right thing & the girl won’t stop hanging on for dear life.

However, and I said this the other day in a post, a lot of times it’s a cop out they just don’t feel like “dealing” with someone’s emotions. If they don’t want to deal with natural human emotions or interactions that are apart of life they shouldn’t be dating in the first place.

I’ve dealt with overly emotional guys who acted crazy as some women do but the fact that someone may not handle it the greatest never detered me or “scared” me from not only firmly ending it with someone but I told them exactly what they did that turned me off & gave a few examples to go along with it so not only did they KNOW what they did but I do it to help them so they don’t make the mistake with the next woman. I am very blunt, somewhat harsh (which is unlike me) & do not mince words at all so they get it. I know most guys will not do this but I’m just saying it is not time consuming or such a “luxury” to have someone do this. It can take as little as 2 minutes. I am always happy to do it & if they don’t like it oh well I told them the truth & what they do with it is their responsibility.

If they don’t receieve it well & keep acting crazy I just block them at that point. It doesn’t have to be some big dramatic thing.

The more you ignore a girl, the more likely she is to obsess over you when they could’ve just ended it in a consise way that would force her to get it through her head & if her feelings get hurt so be it. The girl is more likely to move on than if she is left hanging, wondering, pondering, analyzing etc. because all of that effort ties you to the situation more.

As Khadija said it’s about the ego, rejection, etc more often than it is really liking the guy as a person.

I agree with Jenny that it is cowardly & a matter of integrity. I have never been like oh that person is going to react badly so I won’t end it. Never. So if little old soft spoken friendly me, has more “balls” than a man to say a few sentences I’d say that’s pretty sad lol I don’t agree with ghosting UNLESS it was something like a few dates with someone you don’t even know. Then it’s ok but then it’s not even considered ghosting anyway.

If I were a guy I’d think hmm what’s less trouble, just ripping the band-aid off & ending things with ___. Making sure she knows I do NOT want reconciliation. OR disappearing at the risk of ____ texting me, stalking my social media, analyzing & racking her brain trying to come up with answers, not moving on etc. I would pick telling the person, without question, every single time.

If avoiding negative stuff is the objective, it doesn’t make sense to drag it out. I have a male friend who has told a girl he doesn’t want a relationship & she will not accept it. This has been going on ALL of this year just because he doesn’t want to “hurt her” whereas if he just told her look I am NOT attracted to you emotionally & nothing you can do will change that etc she would get it. I know that’s not the same as ghosting but my point being Honesty is the best policy & the more people avoid it, they leave the door open for that person to not only stress themsleves out MORE, but them too where it could’ve been nipped in the butt immediately

“If you are willing to look at a person’s behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement on your value as a person, you will over a period of time cease to react at all.”
Yogi Bhajan

It’s my fault that this post has been misunderstood and has gone off the rails.I wasn’t clear when I started this.

I should have called it “no mixed signals” or “the cold hard truth”.

First,I am not saying that to breakup you need to literally say “I don’t want you”. That is understood or assumed when it ends. I was just trying to make a point.

Second, it does not really matter why someone does not want to be with us. In the end, all that matters is that it is time to move on.

Am I saying that no one who breaks up can (or should) get back together? No. but I am saying that that is a small (tiny) minority of the cases. Usually. it ends for a reason. And unless that reason is no longer an obstacle, or people have truly grown and changed, they are your ex for a reason. Leave them there. One exception would be if it was simply due to timing and logistics. Or to put it another way, not due to lack of feelings, or because of real incompatibility, or character flaws.

I am not here to name call men, or to name call women. I am trying to point out attitudes and behaviors that prevent people form having successful relationships.

Too many posts focus on getting someone back that doesn’t want you. That is my real point. When someone doesn’t make every effort to keep you in their life, you don’t accept scraps, or worse beg and plead to stay.

I hope that makes more sense…

Honestly, at possibly 3 dates, definitely 4, I have a conversation if I’ve lost interest. At 3 I still think it’s in the developmental, “seeing if we click” by 4 it’s obvious we’ve “clicked” so even if RIGHT AFTER date 4 I feel different/ I can’t match the pace he prefers or am feeling pressured, I have a conversation about it. Maybe it’s a personal thing but I won’t be going on more than 3 dates with you if I don’t think there’s potential. Anyone who makes it to date 4 is in the running, therefore, respected enough to be told if that’s no longer the case. I guess some people prob do go on date after date without any true intention but my time is valuable to me sooooo NOPE! And to top that, there’s only been ONE instance where I felt date 3 just barely fell short of feeling an explanation was required. Anyone else who I agreed to see more than twice got a respectful departure as they asked for a 4th date

& furthermore, I actually ran into a guy I called it off w about 2 wks ago at a restaurant. We had gone on 3 dates, all went well but I was also seeing someone else that I was slightly more interested in so I told him that I didn’t feel our connection was strong enough to pursue at the time, we parted ways… He was still a little bitter but not to the point where he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He jokingly said I bailed after 1 date for no reason but continued with giving me his new # and telling me to call if my circumstances had changed and wanted to try to get together again… Life’s just so much easier if you treat people kindly

That is true but you really have to be at a certain point in your life to REALLY understand that. That when someone doesn’t want you well, he doesn’t want you.

Same thing happens with women, when we’re done with a guy we even block them to avoid having to deal with a stalker.

We can only give our opinion and wait for the person to understand that on their own, we can’t force what we’ve discovered on our own in someone’s head.

Most people have to go through their own learning process and everyone learns at different speeds just as children.

Rose, that’s what I always say in regards to the job thing haha :) only I say if you get fired, you are told why. I forgot to add that before, I love that example