Thoughts on Eric’s Advice on Sex?

I feel like it’s just a case by case scenario. I think Lane said it best a few weeks ago. If you have sex with a guy right away act like you’ve never had sex with him. I think it’s a good rule of thumb to follow if you have sex earlier than intended. I personally like Kara King’s method of waiting 45 days and then doing the Prince Charming Test. It helps you weed out the frogs to find your prince so to say. But even if the guy does pass that test, that doesn’t mean that he’s you BF right away. It just means he gets to have sex with you and then potentially maybe your BF. I think we as women need to get out of our heads that sex will get you a boyfriend. It might, but it can definitely give you a broken heart. I can definitely attest to that!

Have sex all you want, but manage your expectations.

Problem is, we as women are socially seen as not relationship worthy when we sleep with as many men as we want or like when we are on “trial period” … That besides we tend to have feelings for men we sleep with as opposed to men, you guys can separate sex from love. Maybe some women can too but we’re culturally trained to look for a relationship in every guy we meet.

I’m all about gender equality but it is what it is. I’ve had men asking me last time I had sex and how many (I know, they shouldn’t even ask but they still do) and I can’t lie to them, I don’t want to give the impression of sleeping with every man I see as a candidate so I withhold sex not to get a relationship but to protect my feelings and my value as a woman. I know I’m as valuable no matter how many sexual partners as I had but society doesn’t see it that way.

I personally do not do it to manipulate but to make sure the guy won’t disappear the next morning.

I don’t know, maybe I’m doing it all wrong because as you say, no matter if I do it right away or wait, I don’t get the guy anyways.

it is definitely case by case. And about valuing yourself, I think that may be a little outdated. A woman’s self value will be apparent, even if she chooses to have sex early. Men that judge a woman that way seem to not truly appreciate and love women. You can be confident, the prize, and still choose to have sex early. If you make that decision based on what you want and not in an attempt to get something.

and Rose, its nobody’s business! I never get asked that and if I did, he would be gone.

Honestly, it’s about your level of comfort with the person.
There were men that I slept with early on and others that I waited until a exclusive relationship was formed.
For me I’d rather wait until he’s my boyfriend before I sleep with him.
The last time I went decided to give that a go without the title, the relationship fell apart soon after. While I can’t say he was just there for sex. I sure did not like how I felt after.
In the future I’ll stick to my intial view on it and wait.
However, you have to do what works for you. There is no holy grail of rules when it comes to dating.

I’m going to chip in my two cents here…

I know there are some dating coaches and dating books out there that recommend waiting 90 days to have sex. The reason for that is that a woman should get to KNOW a guy before giving him her body, especially since women tend to have feelings far sooner than men due to oxytocin being released during sex. This is a bonding hormone (which men also have) but for them, they can have as much casual sex as they want without developing ANY feelings. It’s just how they’re wired up. And it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.

But I digress… I do think it’s important for women to get to know a guy before sleeping with him because of what I wrote above. That does NOT mean I think they should wait any particular number of days (or dates). That should be up to the woman. She should only have sex when she is READY and not before. If a woman sleeps with a man and he leaves her the next day and she feels devastated, then she is NOT ready to have sex. Either she should be sure of where she stands with him or must be willing to just have sex with no strings. Simply hoping he’s going to think or feel the way she does is setting herself up for failure.

By way of a personal example, here’s what happened to me… I’ve been dating a great man for 5 months. We’ve known each other for 7 years as friends (we have a lot of mutual friends too.) We never got involved before now because we were both in LTRs with others. When he first started flirting with me last fall I wasn’t ready to date and even though I was really attracted to him, I discouraged him from asking me out giving him all kinds of excuses. Like I didn’t want to take a chance and ruin the friendship, and a few other things. At first he agreed but then we just got more and more attracted and the touching began. Then kissing… then he asked me out on a date and I said yes. So several months had elapsed between the first time he flirted with me and our first date. But YES we had sex on the first date! And we are still together and falling in love. Our relationship became exclusive after two months — before that we were free to date others but didn’t. I should mention that we had a discussion before sleeping together that I would not entertain FWB or casual sex, only dating towards a relationship. If he had not agreed to that, I would not have slept with him and we would have just remained friends.

Bottom line is that I think Eric is right, it doesn’t matter WHEN you have sex, so long as you’re emotionally ready and can handle the outcome if it turns out you part ways.

Timing has nothing to do with it. It’s the angle the woman’s coming from, whether she withholds or gives in. No rules, no guidelines, no schedules. THAT… is where we get into trouble because it becomes a game.

I truly believe men will detect your intent behind waiting if you are using it (consciously or unconsciously) as a manipulation tactic. In other words, the “I’m gonna make you wait because I can” attitude will frustrate the heck out of him. Especially if you’re heading into Sloppy 3rd Base and expect him to NOT want to test drive the car. This works for us; this doesn’t work for them. Not saying you should give in to appease him, but men can sense if you are teasing them and making them wait for the relationship title if that’s your tactic, or if you are giving in to succumb to his frustration. He will just know; it will radiate from your being.

On the other hand, if you are a confident woman who knows what she wants and if not having sex too soon is just part of who you are, then be clear and own it. Nothing wrong with that either!

Bottom line: Stick to who you are. Don’t withhold anything. Be clear from the get-go. The right one will be the right one if you are confident and fulfilled in your own life.

Good topic.

Eric I know you’ve slept with women knowing they would never be your GF and I think that’s the crux of the problem today. My generation was a bit different as they were ready to settle down at a younger age (around 24) than they are today (around 29 based on statistics) so there’s practically a decade of “time keepers” or “time wasters” (the new age term being tossed around) where men aren’t looking for relationships, just some short-term fun and its in sharp contrast to a woman’s biological clock that’s screaming to settle down—one of the stark differences between our species.

I agree that its not “when” you have sex but whether or not, its whether the guy’s even considering or close to settling down that seems to be a denominator (at least in my experience) and the lady needs to know what he’s looking for before she throws herself onto that hormonal roller coaster (another difference between us) that may end in derailment.

Asking a guy who doesn’t know you well you enough (especially if you just met such as a first date) isn’t going to elicit that type of information, so what’s the best SIGN a woman can look for that would determine whether she’s a one-night stand or potential GF material?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

This last guy said very clearly he did want a relationship with me but he wanted me to move closer to his place, I cannot do that as I have joint custody of my children and dad lives five minutes from my place. He didn’t like to hear that but my children will always come first. Now I’m only talking to men that specify they want a relationship but they are just a few and it’s very hard to get to like them because most have baggage and haven’t gotten over it. I need to be really patient because relationship guys don’t grow on trees. OK, all men have the ability to be relationship dudes but it’s the timing, most are not ready or are not ready to try again.