Too late?

I actually have read that book. I guess I’m sort of still in shock over the whole thing, what I really liked before was how was how easy he was to talk to and how he always initiated contact before I ever had to. This was for over a month, even when I was away. It feels strange now to be in this city with him so close by and not able to interact at all.

It’s not even that I so desperately want a relationship with this man, it’s more I feel our time was cut too short. I guess I have a hard time too understanding why he felt he needed to go on the dates when he knew I was leaving next week anyway. He seemed genuinely happy to be around me up until a couple days ago. Just a lot to adjust to I suppose. It went from him driving the bus to just jumping off it feels.

Thank you, you’re right, hormones were definitely in the mix. I wish I could go back and just be relaxed and enjoy the time we had together in the moment, that’s what I miss now. He was great fun to hang out with. I’ll definitely protect myself better physically in the future. It is tough though when I have a relatively high sex drive that’s already been put on hold for almost a year… haha. It’s probably TMI but we were great in that department too. Maybe he’s now getting that elsewhere, but I am surprised he’s not missing that at the very least. He did say his drive wasn’t super high though. Oh well. I suppose it doesn’t matter now.

On the plus side, I feel very fortunate and grateful that I have had great support through this from my friends and family, and here too. He might not care about or see value me anymore, but there are a lot of people that do, and I’m very appreciative of that.

Thank you! I think it’s probably best now that I try my best to move on and forget about him and all of this, but I want to clarify my final lessons. Does anyone think that had I not tried to push too much too soon that this might have panned out differently, or was it more likely that the timing was off and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway? Maybe that can’t be answered but I suppose I’m wondering how badly this was on me, and how much was just the timing being off and maybe not being right for one another.

I think your initial reaction (pulling back) was quite normal.

You sensed something was off, so you addressed it, and he confirmed it.

I know you really liked him and had hoped for a different outcome but this was the outcome you were given.

I agree with Lane 100%. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re putting too much creedence into what this guy said & not looking at what he actually wanted to do. It doesn’t matter that he talked a lot of flowery romantic crap, the fact is he wanted to date other women & was not willing to date you exclusively. That right there shows he was not ready for anything serious, at least not with you.

So no, it would not have worked out if you had taken it slow. If you had taken it slow and let him date other women it would have been torture for you. Imagine how you would have felt if you had been dating several months & really fell for him, & he turned around & told you he was going to commit to some other woman he had been seeing? You’d be shattered.

I don’t blame the guy at all for wanting to date around, & i commend him for being honest about it. But i do think it was jerky of him to love bomb you & talk a bunch of crap he didn’t mean. He didn’t mean it, ok? Just tell yourself that, and be angry at him if you want. Don’t feel like you somehow screwed up & lost this amazing guy who was head over heels for you. That’s not what happened. If he really felt those things for you, he wouldn’t have left. He did not mean the romantic things he said. Be annoyed with him, not sad.

In the future, keep in mind that guys who love bomb are not in a healthy emotional place & aren’t good relationship material. An emotionally healthy man takes things at a reasonable pace. So the fact that he did that at all is a red flag. But i know its hard not to get swept off your feet in the moment.

And yes definitely focus on other things! I hope you go see your friends this weekend & have a blast! It stings now i know, but you just have to brush it off & move forward.

“Thanks Jen123 for the validation, I suppose it wasn’t such a bad reaction I had. Just could do it sober next time!”

You’re welcome!

I think your feelings of frustration were quite valid but I also agree with what others have said that you need to manage emotions better.

Try not to take anything too seriously in terms of what they say in the beginning even if they’re pursuing you regularly because that’s just the initial excitement.

I think if I look at this objectively, he was considering me as a match long term, but he was also not sure. He introduced me to his mom and a couple friends, he stepped up in other ways. I think it was my mistake to hint at exclusivity way too soon. I even hinted at it last time I was here. This is my fault for being physical with him so early on, as this is when I struggle to be okay with someone dating others, after we have slept together. I went on several other dates after I met him, but before we were physical, and I didn’t feel bad about that. It was afterward that I found myself saying no to other dates with men.

Mind you, when I went back home he told me he was worried about me potentially going on dates with other men.

For objectivity’s sake, here is the interaction on Tuesday (Monday night he called me on the phone and we chatted for about 1.5 hrs, which is when he reiterated that we would be a good match long term and talked about how I could live with him and run my business and how he could improve it, etc):

Me: Hey you, still thinking of coming by to get my bike? I’m free until 1:30 :)

(He calls me, tells me that he’s swamped with work and a friend wanted to have lunch with him so he might not make it at lunch time. I was a little annoyed because the night before he said he would come for sure to get the bike at lunch, but he still would come after work regardless if I was okay with him meeting my brother or not. We also briefly chatted about where we stood and that he wasn’t sure if he would go on other dates or not)

Me: For what it’s worth, I think you’re really great too and I really appreciate all the little things you do. I don’t want it to seem like I’m pressuring you at all, I know that feeling and I hate it myself. I’m just thinking if we take a step back a little and take things slower it will be better for both of us. It just sucks that my time in Van is limited because of my pup but I think everything will work out in the end the way it’s meant to. Hope you have a good rest of your day 😊

Him: Thank you sweety, I think it’s going well xo

(My friend calls me after this, and is very black and white. She tells me he is a bad person for even considering to see others, and for whatever reason, I believe her, and get upset myself)

Him, 6 hours later: Did u have a decent rest of the day

Me: It’s been a good day with clients, yes

(Already starting to get cold… After I told him before it was okay to take things slow)

Him: Good to here

Me: Mhmm. Let me know if you still plan on getting the bike, it’s okay if you can’t too

Him: Ok How much longer will you be home

Me: I’ll have to leave at 7:30, I’m guessing you won’t have time if you’re still working

(At this point I’m basically confirming that he isn’t coming with me to the dinner with my brother…)

Him: I’m still working yes. Its Bit tight

Me: No problem. Have a good night

Him: Everyone’s gone home , I need to pull everything in , I’ll come tomo mid day when you free 😊 have nice dinner ttyl

Me: I’ll actually be busy all day tomorrow but it’s okay, I think the bike is mostly fine. I’ll just put some air in it

Him: Ok we can see , it’s good I can do a little tune up if needed

Me: I think maybe it’s better if you don’t 😕 thanks though. Maybe if you have time we can chat later

Him: I get it , have a good night

Me: Hmm ok. So you don’t want to talk then?

Him: I’m tired

Me: Well this took a turn for the worst really quick. I’m sort of shocked, don’t know what to say

Him: I feel the same

Me: I really don’t think I was putting any pressure on you, in fact I was just following your lead. I was talking to a friend the other day about it and she said I should just feel it out and see how it goes. I was really feeling good about that until last night and today

Him: I think your very nice . I’m getting a bit confused

Me: Hmm. I think you know but are too nice. Maybe you just had a change of heart, it happens. I’m not upset with you, I think you’re a good person. You’ll do fine

Him: I’d like to take it slow if thays ok

Me: That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. So do I, but with Covid and everything I’m not comfortable seeing someone so intimately that is seeing others as well. I have to think of my family and their health too

Him: I understand

(I call him, we have a chat for about 20 min. It was good until I basically tell him that if he decides to see someone else that he should let me know before rather than after so we could just go our separate ways… I regret this part of the convo, but once again my friend had gotten in my ear and called me again and told me to make firm boundaries with him)

Me: Sorry if that was a tough convo after your long day. I hope you have a good massage

Him: Thank you , it was stressful, good sesh w joy for sure , just walked the door , going to make a small snack and fold my laundry

I tried calling on my drive home you probly on the other line .

(I was, unfortunately with the friend giving not great/unsolicited advice about him)

Me: Oh whoops yeah I was. Call me back if you want

Him: I’m not sure if I can do another intense conversation tonight before bed. If its important to you than I can but I’m gonna try and unwind. Hope you’re ok

Me: (sent a funny short video)

Him: Oh my gosh , very funny thank you xo

Me: 😁
Have a good night

Him: Sweet dreams

Me: Where did we go the first time we met?

Him: (names the brewery)

Me: Let’s go there tomorrow after work

Him: I can Friday, dinner w my dad tomo

Me: Ah. I have something to tell you. But it can wait until Friday

(I really didn’t have anything specific to tell him I think… I’m not sure why I said it like this. Tipsy at this point!)

Him: Omg. Will I be pleased

Me: I don’t know you well enough to say. I’m glad you had a good massage with joy. Have a good sleep ☺️

Him: poop emoji

Night night I hope you have dome good news for Friday.

(Should have just left it at that!)

Me: I’d like to meet your father before I go

(CRINGE. No idea why I said this… honestly)

Him: Interesting. When r u leaving

Me: I’ll talk to you about it on Friday

Him: I have a far bit of anxiety already I’m going to pass I’m sorry. Getting the “no” feeling right now

Me: No about what?

Him: This conversation

Me: Lol. I don’t know how to say these without coming across as arrogant. You don’t have to worry

Him: Just say it then or tell me why u want to meet my family

Me: Isn’t it obvious? I want to see where you come from

Him: I feel like your examining me ,

Me: I am. As you should be with me

Him: If and When the time comes you’ll meet my father. On different terms

Me: are we not on good terms?

Him: I’ve introduced u to my mum , it seems bit strange your in a hurry to meet my dad

Me: Lol fair. I am strange, that’s for sure. But I have a feeling that is not a bad thing for you

Him: I’d like to know what your motivation is. Today’s conclusion seemed like we where takin it slow.

Me: We are. Try not to apply your past or experiences with me. It’s not relevant

Him: Have you booked a ticket home

Me: No

Him: Have u been drinking

Me: Lol no. You were honest and open with me, so I’ll be the same. I think you and I are more similar than you think

(Clearly I had been drinking….a lot. Not sure why I denied it)

Him: Not sure why you are suggesting I’m projecting past experiences on you

Me: Your last relationship. I am nothing like what you describe your ex to be

(He brought her up several times, that when she was drinking she would accuse him of random things like wanting to sleep with other women, etc without any evidence. Just seemed suspicious in general and pushy)

Him: I’m not seeing a reason to say that tho

Me: I just hope you keep an open and unbiased mind when it comes to me. There are no double meanings

(More cringe… as I’m giving tons of mixed messages even in this silly conversation)

Him: I have a date tomo. An old friend , just to hang out , I also was invited to my dads but I told him I’d let him know tomo. Goodnight miss L

(I blocked him at this point. Then an hour or so I decided to unblock him. Unfortunately I don’t if he typed something else, it seems like maybe he did. This part I’m kicking myself for, because maybe what he sent when I blocked him explained more of what happened and his behaviour)

Him, one hour later: She dated my friend 8 years ago , saw me on hinge… just hanging out might not even happen. Goodnight

We all use to hang

Me, 1.5 hrs later (2:40am…): Good luck on your date. I am not interested in being anyone’s plan B. I hope it pans out for you, thank you for being kind to me. Goodbye Seann, I wish you all the best.

Me, the next morning: Sorry, I should have been honest and admitted that I was drinking last night. I’m not even too sure why I said what I did. Hope you have a good day.

Him: I’m sorry to hurt your feelings , this meeting was planned a week ago. My perspective isnt a plan b scenario, I’d like to go thru the motions get out a and meet some people so that I’m confident in my decisions. I feel you where kinda mental toying with me last night , I didnt have a good feeling. I also dont want to say goodbye, but that’s something you meantioned. I also meantioned I’d rather not gave a stressful convo before bed and the opposite is what actually happened. Please have a good day. I’m sorry o dont have my mind made up about us.

I need a bit of space theres a lot goin on around me w work etc. I’ll just shut down if you press me too hard. Agsin I’m sorry your upset and I hope you can make the best of the day.

Me, 6/7 hours later: Thanks for your message and for trying to be patient with me. I’d like to explain at some point what’s been going on with me, but I totally respect that you need some space. I hope work is going well!

Him: It’s all ok , it means you care. It’s not easy traveling back and forth w family matters etc.

(My dog is sick, as is my father)

Him, 5 hrs later at midnight: The Wolf That Wins
There was a story that was widely circulated a few days after the attacks of September 11, 2001, that illustrates our dilemma. A Native American grandfather was speaking to his grandson about violence and cruelty in the world and how it comes about. He said it was as if two wolves were fighting in his heart. One wolf was vengeful and angry, and the other wolf was understanding and kind. The young man asked his grandfather which wolf would win the fight in his heart. And the grandfather answered, “The one that wins will be the one I choose to feed.”
Pema Chodron

Me: I like that story, it offers good perspective. Also I’m glad you understand, thank you. I’ve been thinking, in my past I’ve been touchy about monogamy, but after further reflection I think I might have overreacted when you were just being open and honest with me. I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.

I want to respect your need to figure things out for yourself, so I will leave it up to you to reach out again. Thinking of you. Xx

Me, the next morning: I’m just curious though, why did you send me that story?

Him: Thank you for saying that thats thoughtful. I sent to 10 people I thought it was neat.

Sent to 10 friends , dad etc.

Me: Ah. I’m assuming not, but were you still planning on getting my bike before the weekend?

Him: I’m sorry not after our last interactions with

Me: I feel like I need to explain that to you since it was over text. Would you meet me for lunch today? Just a quick one

Him: Is a phone call ok in a bit.

Me: I’d rather it be in person, I could just stop by between my client at 12:30, but if you rather phone we can do that

Him: I think your a nice person , but I dont feel theres any merit in a meeting not that it would change anything. I was hoping for some space. If you want to get something off your chest I’m free for a call at 12:30.

Me: Because of how I acted that night?

Him: This is a bit intense for me , I’m sorry. Consider us friends , I got your back. I’d rather not discuss it any further.

Me: Could I at least call you at 12:30? Not in the hopes it would change anything, but I do want to explain something about that

Him: Ok

We then talked on the phone. That’s when he was quite nice, I explained to him that I had been drinking a lot that night and I regretted most of what I said. I told him that I respect his decisions and that I let my emotions get the best of me and that I had meant what I said about taking it slow and not what I said afterwards. I told him I also had a friend whispering in my ear not giving me very good advice. He said it’s tough for him because of how those interactions with me on Tuesday made him feel and he’s still processing. He said he feels life is too short to have these back and forth arguments about what someone meant on text and I completely agreed. He told me he’s been so busy at work and that he has f really had time for himself let alone to see other people, etc. He then told me what his plans were for the weekend and that he has a lot of friends he promised to catch up on. I said okay, and that’s when he said he would see how he felt and maybe contact me then. It’s now Saturday (the day we were supposed to go on the bike ride he had talked about for a week) and haven’t heard anything and noticed he hasn’t been online since yesterday afternoon.

I didnt read it all, sort of up to the part where you wanted to meet his dad lol. I dont think your friend gave you bad advice, but you really need to work on your communication skills. When it comes to him all i get is the picture of him on the hook like a fish trying very hard to get back in the water.
This guy didnt want to take it further. I think thats obvious. But you kept going and going. Next time just back off. It was a bit painful to read it. Thats why i didnt read the second half. Please stop thinking you lost a great man. You really dont know. Maybe his ex left him for him being an as/s

Look, what happened is pretty identical to what happened to me and my now partner (yes partner) when it comes to miscommunication and me taking his words too serious. Anyway a lot happened and only because he was dead set on being with me and only me, we made it through.
In your case, you got infatuated. So what? It happens. You dont need to be embarrashed about it. Thats not the part i would want to forget. I dont think your friend gave you bad advice. Is she is too much on you, i cant say of course. But she said not to accept him dating others. I dont lnow about you, but i dont want to have sex with a guy that is sleeping around. So thats a moment you could have given yourself clarity. Simple convo: i assumed that we are sexually exclusive atm. If you want to date AND have sex with others please let me know. Friend also said you need to have boundaries: again very true but not talked about drunk lol.
So what i see now is you thinking you still would have a great time with this awesome guy if friend didnt get to you, so you didnt rock the boat and you were just swearing of monogamy anyway. Yeah thats the glorious what if fantasyland. But you only know this guy for 1 month so it will not be that hard to move on without him. And: you did wait around for him the weekend. No no no no no no

Hey Newbie,

Can I ask what happened in your situation? I can’t even say I was infatuated with him, I just liked spending time together and thought he was a good guy. Luckily I didn’t, or I would be a lot more upset than I am now! I think I’m more confused/surprised than upset.

I should come clean though and say he did mention he would not even kiss any of the other dates I went on let alone sleeping with them. I just suppose at that time it didn’t seem good enough to me although that seems silly now.

I didn’t wait around for him, so much as I had trepidation about going to the other city in the first place due to the outbreak of Covid and my parents are immunocompromised and didn’t want me going there in the first place. Plus it would have been very rushed (they leave tomorrow at noon), and I was invited to a family event today I would have had to have missed. Otherwise I definitely would have gone, and am quite bummed I couldn’t. It’s okay though, I have still been out doing things and have kept in contact with my friends.

For some reason I feel like I will hear from him again, but that when I do, I will not be interested anymore. It’s happened to me before. I’ll only be upset I didn’t get to go on a boat ride while I was here lol!

Lol you made ss throw herself off a cliff. Well i do agree with most of her observations but also that it got triggered when he said he wanted to date others.
I never talk about much about my history because i dont want to encourage crazyness and expecting a good outcome. We are a weird fluke in the universe. My partner was visiting in europe and we met. We already had been chatting with each other. I was up for a one night stand so we pretty much ended up on in bed right away. Europeans are pretty clear about what they want. If they want a hook up, they say so. My partner did not. After that he did all the woeing and future talk and i was like: wtf? So naturally i fell for it. He had to go back to the usa and we stayed in touch. Not long after that my house caught fire and the upper floor had to be totally rebuild while i just lost my job and forgot to pay insurance. My life was in total shambles after one night. Meanwhile i assumed he was my bf with all that talk. But he started to pull back and i started to get drunk a lot. This is when i found this forum. I realized i had to let it go and seeing the distance it was not practical anyway. So we became penpals. And i started to date locally. Meanwhile despite all my drunk texting he couldnt let go. He wasnt all in either but he made dam sure he was in my life. So we started to see each other again, after a year. The long distance worked in our favour.
I had to build my life up again which i did and he was my greatest supporter. I was about to move to the usa but then realized i dont like to life there. He was ok with it. We are both very loyal and open (and older, im 51) and loving. Although he now realizes i was totally shaken up about losing my house and all my stuff, he still remembers it really clearly. And it did cause him to pull back back then.
Anyway so its just a rare comedy. We are day and night in every aspect and still totally hung up on each other

I’m glad you came on this site- sometimes getting things out to a group of people you’ll never meet is a healthy thing to do. I would choose your friends wisely to make sure they have your best interest at heart. By following your friend’s advice and go on a rant, you did show you’re craziness and lack of judgement when drunk. That is exactly what you need to get under control as I’m sure you’ve figured that out. Realize that your friend may be a trigger to encourage this behavior as well as alcohol. You have to train yourself to never begin a crazy texting string when you’ve been drinking and/or when your friend has given you advice that may be reactive. Train yourself to do ANYTHING else- journal, go running, do yoga- but do not begin engaging in emotional conversations about your insecurities. Work on that so it doesn’t happen again and you’ll make progress as you move onto the next relationship.

Lol Newbie almost!! It was nice to hear your story x

To the OP – i think you are right to be considering that this sort of thing might happen again. I get what you are saying about it not just being about him, but you are upset and disappointed it didn’t work out. That’s ok. Wallow a bit. Feel sad but really learn from this. The reason this sh*t storm occurred is because you were way too invested in a man you were only casually dating. We’ve all been there I’m sure. The reason I found this site is because i did the same thing!

Its too long a story so I’ll edit a bit but essentially i was dating a guy who was clearly not emotionally available and was just enjoying time with me – dates, hanging out and good sex. I thought it was more. I did the dtr after 3/4 months (if I’d come to this site before i would have known if he hadn’t locked me down at this point he never was going to do so). He said he doesn’t want a relationship. I tried to be “cool girl” and say i was fine with casual (clearly i wasn’t) and basically gave him a licence to do what he wanted. That meant just contacting me for sex and not much else. After he left me on read for 5 days i got drunk and went bat sh*t crazy via text. To my shame i sent him a message that was 8 screenshots long. EIGHT! Its mortifying even recalling this. The message was to “break up” and to call him out on his shi**y behaviour but we weren’t even together properly – the guy didn’t owe me anything from the point he told me he didn’t want a relationship. Was he an ar*e? Yes. Was he taking advantage of what was on offer? Yes. Was he using me? No! He was taking what i was freely giving knowing that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend but pathetically hoping that he’d change his mind.

This was more than a year ago and there has been a lot of reflection and work on my part. There are lots of reasons why i got into that mess and why i left my dignity at home. Too many to explain now but i learnt so much! I came on here. I read. I took advice. I recognised what u did wrong and i changed the way i was dating.

It hasn’t been an overnight success. I’ve stumbled and made other mistakes but I’ve taught myself to give zero fu*ks about a man that isn’t my boyfriend (advice from a regular poster on here) that’s not to say i don’t care or that i don’t get a bit excited or day dream about possibilities but i know my worth, i set boundaries for what i will and won’t accept, i can spot time wasters and fu*k boys a mile off. I have sex with who i want, when i want but if i choose to have sex without being exclusive or on a first date i do so with no expectations or hopes it will be more or that I’ll even hear from the guy again.

I’m telling you this because I’m sure you can see some parallels and i hope you can then see that my harsh post above was said with the best intentions. Not to mock you or be mean but to wake you up.

You need to accept your role and you need to really really wallow a little but close that door on this guy. He sees you as a full on clingy drama. Maybe once that image fades he will reach out but don’t wait for that or even hope for that. Get on living and dating and being happy. Get to the point where you don’t care and this is just a blip on your path.

Honestly I’m not saying I’ve got it right. I’m probably going to be posting about my current situationship later 😂