Too late?

You don’t block him to punish him. You block him so 1) you know it’s final and 2) if he does contact you, you don’t get sucked back into the drama again. You aren’t strong enough to handle it right. You can’t even handle the friend you dragged into the drama who is now trying to protect you from yourself. Just give it ALL a rest and focus on yourself.

I’ve said all I can say that’s helpful. Hope you will return some day and post positive progress.

Probably feels guilty. I don’t think he’s trying to restart anything . If I were you I wouldn’t answer

OP I have followed your thread with interest. You are so like me, and likely many other women too. Its such a rollercoaster when your are a deep thinker and feel the need to piece together what happened and why and try to pinpoint what you could have done differently.

The whirl of questions and anxiety it provokes is quite consuming, whilst you attempt to simultaneously try to heal your bruised ego that is the fall out of rejection, but not just rejection, rejection triggered by the part of you you’d like to not have- the insecure dramatic side that came out that night (as it can do for so many of us) and then he shut down all access to potential. You started bargaining. Bargaining that you were open to taking it slow and even to be cool and let him see others. Just to try to keep this man and save your ego from rejection.

Now hes messaged and I will lay money you suddenly feel in a very very different place. Like you just might have the ball you lost that night. Feeling the potential again or at the very least, momentarily, he doenst hate you and want nothing to do with you. You’re off to the beach with a smile rather and some respite from the circular rumination that been going on that you’ve so openly and honestly written here.

So what will you do? We all know you will read the messages. We all know you will respond. What will it be?

My suggestion is lean right back. Reply in a light way, with no real detail as the important thing is to leave him with a good FEELING. Something like – hey! Been at the beach all day enjoying this gorgeous weather, just beautiful! Hope things are good for you (no question mark- you arent insisting he engage in conversation- nothing that requires a return )

Just my suggestion. Let us know how things go, but dear god organise a date with someone else to take this intensity away 😊

I really like Honeypie’s reply. Lean back. Don’t be so intense. This guy wants to date other people, you (in theory) should be doing the same, although given all the issues you have that you’ve laid out, I’m not sure I’d recommend dating right now!

About your friend. The scene you described with her was pushy and almost creepy in my opinion. According to you she basically barked orders at you about what you should tell him, you rushed to complete those orders, and then sent her screen shots (!) to show her you did the job? That’s just…really sad and strange. You don’t owe anyone screenshots of your personal business! You’re not obligated to take ANYONE’s advice. Including ours, here on this website. Think and act for yourself, always! If this friend has such a toxic influence on you, I would suggest pulling away from her and not telling her so much of your personal business. Don’t be so available when she calls and don’t rush to answer her texts. If she asks you about your dating life, tell her you don’t want to go into it. In other words, shut her down. You’re going to have to develop some backbone. Don’t you have another, more supportive friend you can talk to about relationship woes? Because she frankly sounds awful.

Now back to the guy…..good luck and please do take what Honeypie wrote to heart. I know it felt good and validating to hear from this guy. Of course it did! You’re human. But please proceed with caution and restraint. You recognize that you have some very unhealthy dating patterns, so please continue to be mindful of that.

* luck lol

Oh gosh…they always pop back in at the worse moment!

I like honeypies response BUT I think you will get sucked right back into the black hole and remain in *convincer mode* to try and TALK your way out of your bad behavior; it will go south like the first time and you’ll be right back here going through round II.

You’ve had over three years to change yet you’re still stuck in the same rut (mindset) so anything you tell him, at this point would be bullcrap, a lie, a falsehood. You can tell him your sorry but we all know it would be nothing but a smoke screen because of your habits/patterns and I’ve think you’ve done enough damage, take the KO and walk out of the ring.

I suggest you be honest with him, such as: “I’m not doing OK [the truth] as I behaved horribly to you, you didn’t deserve it [the truth] so I’m spending the day at the beach today to try and rewind and calm my mind. [the truth] What I really need to do is focus on me for awhile as I have a lot on my plate right now as you know, so maybe in the future we can catch up some time when things have settled on my end. I want to thank you for your concern as you’ve been nothing but wonderful to me, I should have treated you better [take ownership] and for that I am truly sorry. Take Care.”

After that, go not contact by taking the “out of sight, out of mind” approach and take a mental health break. Seriously, you trying to talk to him in the state of mind you’re in right now is just asking for more trouble. Give yourself (and him) a break as he’s still your drug (heroin) and your still looking for a [quick] fix (him) and until you come down off it and in a clearer headspace it would be stupid for you to re-engage with him knowing your past and current repeat patterns.

Don’t let him distract you from the REAL GOAL which is doing the hard work to fix/repair the bad habits/patterns that’s keeping you single. FOCUS ON THE BIG PICTURE—YOU! He’ll be fine and hopefully with time you’ve moved on and he’ll be in the past.

Hi Honeypie

Thank you everyone for your replies, especially Honeypie, thank you so much for your validating response! It’s nice to know once again I am not alone.

Right before your message I did reply, I kept it very short but not exactly as you mentioned. I said “Hey, I’m good! Just at the beach. How are you?”

He replied simply “Nice, I’m taking it pretty easy.” and then sent me a link to a funny video. I didn’t reply last night, I was on a date. (It went pretty well. No real romantic spark, but he was very cool, who knows).

I replied later today saying it was very funny, and sent him a link to a funny video as well. He didn’t reply to the video, but later sent me a few messages about the boat he’s working on saying he’s almost finished but it’s been a bit of a struggle. I haven’t opened or replied to it.

It reminded me of last Monday when he asked me to come see him at work, and he was working on it then. I could tell he was frustrated that it wasn’t working properly and later sent me texts that I never saw until later. He said:

“A thank you for coming and visiting I’m kind of in a crabby mood I’m sorry
(30 min later): Hitting my threshold, electronics and I aren’t getting along this week
(20 min later): Think I needed a little t o”

I only post this because it seems relevant his state of mind. While he was having a difficult time at work only a day later I had my little fit. I can understand in this context that it would kill any sort of attraction he might have had for me or thinking of this as a possible relationship.

That being said, with all this reflection, my guess is that he wasn’t ready for a relationship at this time anyway. Not as serious as it was seemingly becoming, and likely I just sped up the process that probably would have happened anyway. He also made mistakes, and shouldn’t have mentioned talk of the future on numerous occasions and then turned around and tried to implant space by mentioning other women. It’s too bad, but it just was a miss.

It feels so different talking to him now, he’s cold, I feel uncomfortable. Likely there is no point anymore but I also don’t feel the need to be rude. I’m thinking of replying “Ah, I hope it works out for you!” or something like that to which I’m almost certain he won’t respond to and we can just phase each other out.

I know to all of you it seems silly, and it likely is, but I do miss “him”. Or at least the little fantasy future he painted and who I thought he was or could be to me. It was so nice to feel secure and cared for even if it was for such a short time. It helped me process the devastating reality of the ailing health of my closest family members. I was trying not to, but I was hoping this was it, that I had finally met my person and this was the beginning. It just wasn’t.

Thanks Jen123 for that story! Who knows what will happen with him. Do you think I should reply to his last message? Or just leave it?

I’m so awful at text at the best of times, not to mention when things are so awkward and strained like this!

You’re welcome!

Think about your own personal well-being…

What do you think is in your best interest?

Keep in mind we didn’t have text messaging back then so it was a lot easier to go off the radar.

By the time I ran into him I didn’t care at that point if I ever saw him again.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but you are in no place to date at all right now. Please please please read up on attachment theory.

I have to agree with where Tallspicy is coming from. This is a guy you dated for one month and clearly got way overinvested. You don’t know him, you don’t know if he’s ready for a relationship, you don’t know his what mindset was when he sent those texts. You’re inventing all this out of thin air.

You’re way overthinking. He sent you a few very light texts, which are crumbs really, it’s not like he’s called or asked to see you. So please don’t overthink your responses to him, or overthink his intent. Anyone can send a funny video, that kind of thing is meaningless really. You said he feels cold but how can you feel anything over a few light texts? That’s another example of you inventing things in your head and projecting them onto him. If you are unable to reply to his bland texts without totally going overboard in your analysis of them, it’s probably best for you to just stop replying and disengage.

I understand you miss “him”, or the idea of him rather. But that was all a fantasy you created in your head. You thought you had found your “person” but that was something YOU invented and indulged in when you had only known the guy one month. I totally understand that you’re dealing with difficult family issues (including your dog) and the fantasy of this guy was an escape for you. But now is the time to focus on examining and addressing your own issues, and healing yourself. You mentioned going on a date with another guy, normally I would say that’s a good thing, but given where you’re at right now, it might be a good idea to take a break from dating.

Since AMAZING women in here scolded me and rightfully so. I’m possibly too young/in my head to see this but someone once admitted that this forum can be toxic. Everyone is doing her/his best but advice is very black and white. I know many relationships that started messy. There is but..
I’m more like you that I’d like to admit but not as thoughtful and intelligent. (I posted about 3 times about “I went crazy/psycho on a guy” and didn’t learn much after the first time).
The guys you are after are emotionally unavailable so safe and I can pick such guys and when I made a correction I overcorrected.
It’s nice that he called. I believe timing is everything. That’s why you often ask yourself WHY HER?!
What I’d worry about is that he wants to keep you around, being busy but making sure you’re for him and overall dynamic. It’s “me me me” on his side “I’m tired I’m stressed, be like my mum”. Also some sociopaths LOVE saying they’re anxious and love pity.
Just please don’t become his therapist and mother. You should be smiling thinking about him and his messages not pitying him and being understanding.
You should be enjoying his company, knowing each other, flirting. Even a very tired person can be curious about you.
I think you’re too harsh on yourself, too focused on him, too empathetic and emotional vampires sense this and prey on this.
I have no idea if I’m right though. Just my take!