Triggered by ex situationship getting engaged. Turning 39 and feel bleak

Youre docter in the uk in a lockdown. It cant get anymore bleak than that. But hopefully in 6 months it will look better. The ongoing lockdown is really getting to me as well.

So a negative recent state of mind is not so weird. But i would like to say a few things. You define most of your past years in terms of loss, but you made a conscious decision to break off a marriage knowing it would bring potential kids in harms way. Thats an incredible bold decision and i think youre better off without him in your life. Even if you would be single forever. Then if you dated around 100 men in 2 years, thats crazy. I know dating is a Numbers guy but thats too much. When lockdowns get better, date smart. Get a better idea of good matches and be selective in your picks. But also do think of what types didnt work for you in the past. Do you have a type that never works out but pick first. I cant tell but suppose you felt British Indian guys fit you cultural wise, that doesnt necessarily make it a best fit. Youre an accomplished smart Metropole woman so that says just as much about what would possibly fit you.
What do you do to have fun? Make that a priority in 2021 for yourself: to do fun things for you. That can make you so much more attractive and happy so a win-win (im assuming a lot here btw, so dismiss it if you dont think its you, but for me docters were never my favorite friends as they were always so damn serious. And i know a few dutch Indian women and they were all so sincere and gorgious but so damn serious).
When i was around your age, i had no relationship and no kids. But i had a very good job. So i made the conscious decision to think about having kids on my own. I knew if i wanted to, i could at least try. I had a sort of sperm donor in mind that i would ask. I never asked. I did this to ease my mind. Get a handle on the things you can control. I never went through with it because i never felt the desire. It did mean i never looked back with regret. For you its the same. You have the money to raise a kid on your own if you really want to. Dont dismiss it, just because there is no man. Or at least freeze in some eggs.
Joy is what you need. I hope you can get it back. For now its a bit more netflixing im afraid. Take care and good luck

I think you need to find a way to get off line and out and about. Meeting men in real life is wholly different as you really only need about 10 seconds to know if they are someone you would at least want to talk to again even if nothing pans out. Men are EVERYWHERE! They are getting their oil changed, shopping, grabbing a bite to eat, at the park, attending your friends party/wedding…you get the gist. All you have to do is strike up a conversation and if the conversation flows well, you might have a date! This is how I met 99% of the men I was in a relationship with; including my ex husband and current partner. I had ONE online relationship that lasted briefly as we were too opposite; got fed up with online and went back to meeting men in real life as that worked best for me.

I understand the COVID thing makes it super difficult to date which is why it might be best to wait it out for the time being. Don’t hunt men online or waste your time reading bullcrap profiles. Only answer a man if he makes a worthy effort such as a good intro. and has an interesting response to your profile, if not, delete and log off. Don’t chit chat for long, talk about COVID or bring any negativity to your message. Keep it light and upbeat for a few exchanges and if he doesn’t plan a meetup (day, time and place, such as a park) just respond with “Thank you for replying but I’m not interested in virtual chit chat but meeting in real life.” If he doesn’t step up, you step out.

Online was never intended to be used the way it is today. Too many guys just trolling around with maybe 2% actively looking for a mate/partner/wife, which is why you are having little to no success. I wouldn’t rely on nor use online too much and start using other methods such as friends, joining groups/activities; taking up a hobby such as golf (lots of men on golf courses haha); or just chatting them anywhere and everywhere!

I’m really not sure what else you can do. What I do know is that when I’m NOT looking for a relationship and enjoying my singlehood, it’s like man catnip lol

To add to lane: my friend suggested oil painting as where she met the best guys. Not pastel painting (only women there) but oil or photography. I agree with lane, off line dating works better for me too

Hey newbie – thought I replied. Will have to go to oil instead of watercolour classes! Ha. Thanks for Netflix recs. re asking guys I’ve dated… the number of situationships ive had, I’ve been the one to end it. Whilst I may have kind of liked the guys
To go on and start seeing them, the Only one I con eye y with and wanted to explore a relationship with was long distance guy who is now engaged. We had a big talk at the end and I know he lost interest and maybe he was emotionally unavailable at the time given his divorced wasn’t final. He said ‘it was him’ but ultimately he just wasn’t into me enough to go deeper and 4 months was a big investment financially, time wise and emotionally and to continue without some commitment and plan to move back at some point seemed fruitless. So it ended. I’m not sure if his now fiancée is local to him in Asia or they are long distance as my stalking suggested she is from the U.K. (ive stopped stalking now!!)… I don’t think the others were emotionally intelligent and as I wasn’t so into them, not sure what they could tell me that would make a difference as they wanted to keep dating me. I didn’t walk away only due to them wanted sex and didn’t commit, I didn’t feel they were good for anything longterm. Seems I have to find some strength to keep going and hold my nerve

I think its the biological clock ticking that is bringing you down and leaves you feeling like time is running out. I completely get that and there is no easy answer. I’m glad you have frozen your eggs as that’s proactive and gives you options. As hard as it is I would say you need to really try and not think about the children issue. Perhaps have a plan/deadline for going it alone- give yourself that power and certainty that if it reaches a certain time you are going to go it alone.

The introduction agency idea is expensive but the men signing up to that at such a cost will at least likely be serious about a relationship.

You have clearly done so well in your life despite all the hard times. You are doing an amazing job as a doctor in a climate that is really really tough. You have worked on yourself, worked through the abusive relationship and taken time to be you- that’s all so healthy!

Try and switch off from the deadlines in your head as that’s what’s making you feel so hopeless.

Best of luck and big hugs xx

Hi Sammy. I’m in a similar situation. I’m 37 and live in the UK, so I can relate to the hard lockdown period and what now feels like an “opportunity” (due to the nicer weather and venues open) but I’m too a bit discouraged.

I’m using dating apps and my experience is similar to yours. You can meet quite a few people through them, but the disposable culture means that it’s harder to form any sort of real relationships. I get a fair share of flaky men, those looking for a hookup as well as those I go out with, have a good time, but eventually it dissolves into nothing. It is disappointing, yes and not not easy on the ego, but I do realize that it is really hard to meet a special person. Especially at this age, when we all have our quirks, habits, preferences and sometimes unreal expectations.

I still refuse to lose all hope and I’m trying to tweak my approach a little bit so it’s more aligned with my needs. I’m way more selective about who I connect with and if the prospect is worth a date. This means fewer dates but it’s okay.

I also try and get involved in group activities via MeetUp (hiking is of special interest). Meeting a guy through that is a secondary, I just want to be out with people, have a good time and make friends. I work from home, so it helps me to socialize and boost my confidence a bit.

You’re not alone, don’t give up and don’t compromise. Big hug!

I feel like I can somewhat relate to this. I’m going to be 38 but I never put myself out there because I’m too scared. At first I used my kids as an excuse but that was just that…an excuse. I have too much anxiety to try dating apps so I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone. I met someone not too long ago at a bar but it ended in a disaster. I will say this though…being a single mother is HARD and I am not a doctor. In fact I have a job that I am able to do from home and they offer me a lot of flexibility, but it’s still hard so I can’t imagine how hard it would be if you decided to take the single mother route. But if you really want to be a mother don’t settle for a guy just for that. There are ways to make it work by yourself if being a mother is something that you really truly want. Obviously being a single parent is never an ideal situation but if that’s what you want then you can figure it out.