Two super amazing dates regarding the third please help

I’m going to be blunt because I can’t think of any other way to say this. You are completely going about this a$$ backwards. This man sees you for sex, that’s it. You are not on the path to a relationship with this guy.

You can’t sex a guy into a relationship! Men fall in love outside the bedroom.

Eric just wrote a really brilliant response about this in the thread “How To Know Someone is Using You”– I hope he summarizes the same thing here. Men will gladly take sex if you offer it. It does not mean they feel anything for you or see you as romantic potential. You need to establish an emotional bond with a man before jumping into bed with him, if you want to have a relationship with him.

You wrote “he would be happy with us keeping in touch and leaving the door open”– yah, leaving the door open for more sex. “Keeping in touch” to hook up once in awhile. That’s it. “he said we were not suitable and came up with three reasons why we are not suitable”– he has told you point blank he doesn’t see you as relationship material!
“I want something to start between us”– that ship has already sailed, sorry. This guy does not see you as relationship material. Again, I apologize for my bluntness but really this whole post had me shaking my head in disbelief.

Hi guys, I do not speak English so sorry for the mistakes. I’m from the Middle East. And so just to add:
I forgot to tell you that he courted me after quite a while and was excited about the third date and wrote me text messages as expected, and more. That’s why I was so surprised. In retrospect maybe it’s because, before the third meeting I told him that my divorcee sleeps in my house every time he comes to meet our daughter, he comes from a distance once a week. Maybe I seemed like a hippie to him. I am a poet and I have a small publishing house. And he is a business consultant. We had so much fun, what a shame!

Wow, Eric, thank you so much for your response!

Thanks for the explanation about the manipulation – because I did not understand where it came from.
This is certainly not my man. Thanks!

In a sense, I’m not sorry I slept with him on the first date because it accelerated the acquaintance or the matching test between us. If he is a manipulator then if a relationship had developed I would have suffered way more.

So how in some cases do you think it happens that a relationship of love and friendship develops after sex on a first date?

It is possible, but not probable to start a relationship after first date sex. The only way that happens is that he really likes you and you put no pressure on him at all that the sex had any meaning. I look at it this way, it is better to not have sex early because you always know they like you or at least growing their interest through investment if you are not having sex. And when I wait I make sure I like him too and my hormones are not in charge.

You cannot sex a man into a real relationship. Ever.

Dear Eric,

Thanks for the response and encouragement. I’m excited.
And also have a question about what I wrote earlier.
So I did not wait to obsess over the guy and went into the dating app and it’s really fun and exciting, I’ll probably consult you further down the road. In the meantime reading the excellent materials I have purchased.
Anyway, I kept checking on Google what exactly I was experiencing. And I discovered that it’s called love-bombing and that it’s usually a characteristic of a narcissistic personality disorder.
And yet I am still trying to understand something, was there still something in my conduct that led to such a reaction on his part, if there are ways to make him love you then maybe there are also mistakes that might cause him to treat you rudely? It’s true that not every guy and that it depends on education and personality. Yet.
Second, I read that if a narcissist, (assuming this is the case, even though he shares about childhood and his relationship with his parents and siblings that quite reinforces such an assumption) gets feedback on his behavior (praise for good behavior say) then his chances of recovery increase.
Today I was suddenly inspired to write to him. And honestly, it’s not to win him back, but out of the brotherhood, I want to elevate him – I feel it raises the chance that he will be nicer to the next girls. I came out with a very positive experience overall I enjoyed his Love Bobbing and the rest I did not take too personally. So what do you think about such an SMS? Maybe it’s unnecessary at all, but here’s what I wish to write:
”
Hey honey,
What’s new?
I deleted your number from my cell phone because I did not want to be tempted to call
But I was inspired today and I want to lift you and say you are stunning and unique
And that you deserve love with the most beautiful woman in town and am sure that it will happen to you.
I do not apologize for calling you bimbo, Because it was bad and sucks. (in a phone call after the last meeting I told him it was inappropriate and asked why he behaved like that, is he a bimbo?)
In a conversation with friends today I heard that if a girl drinks your semen it is an act of love.
Well, the first time I hear of that and Love is from another scenario, isn’t it?
Anycase it seems to me that it can work better with asking her, maybe she will want to make you pleasure? Maybe she would like to play with you hooker and client? A waitress and a drunk? worth trying.
In general, think you’re a gold not yet fully discovered.

Love … best
”
So Eric,
It may be completely unnecessary? and I may be acting out of ignorance of my motivations – so here I consult you. To me it feels good to send such an SMS (on messenger I do not have his number anymore), I like to elevate him, especially if in the end the communication with him so elevated me up too. (Even if perhaps he did so out of manipulative intent)

Super thanks
Great weekend
Avivit

Please look up insecure attachment. You are overly invested in this man, who you literally have nothing with. On top of that you are diagnosing a man you met 3 times. He is not a narcissist and did not love bomb you by treating you nicely on dates, he did nothing actually wrong (he actually ended it instead of disappearing) and he did not use you because you offered it up. I am sorry if that is harsh. You had sex with him, you are currently obsessed with him…. You need to focus on you. Not him.

Why are you having sex on a first date? Why are you so attached to a man you barely know? Why are you reaching out to men who broke up with you for any reason? Why are you caring why a man who supposedly used you is no longer interested? These are all you questions.

I hope you made a good decision to never contact him (even blocking him) and just grow from all of the good advice on this thread, especially given the time and energy of such advice.

I agree with Tallspicy, but I also need to add that knowledge is power and knowing that sex releases all those hormones and makes us attached can help! Because then as a woman you know that you crave his attention/company not because he is so great but because you are biologically programmed to!

“…. almost making the most emotional aspects impersonal, so they’re better able to evaluate the relationship rationally.”

This sentence really struck me. I’ve just realised this is where I’ve been going wrong.

When I don’t like a guy, I can have such a great laugh with him and develop a brilliant friendship with him. I’m in total control, and usually it leads to attraction developing on his side if I continue with the special attention without clarifying the platonic nature of my interest.

But the minute I start to “catch feelings” I’m done for. I lose the ability to behave like a normal rational being. Because one potential wrong move on my part, and I risk rejection of my truest heart and all of who I am at my core. Because that’s what I’m offering up, Me, …. I guess unconsciously my subtext is at once whispering and screaming…. ”here I am, have all of me in your life….(please)… “

Then when the inevitable happens the unconscious script changes because in my head, he was mine and I was already his, “What do you mean you don’t like me??!!! Oh god, what is WRONG WITH ME?!!!!!! ……. Ahhhhh this always happens… it must be ME!…. sob sob sob … there’s no hope….” blah de blah de blah…

Going from all-in to all-out, all of a sudden, is too much for my system to handle and invariably leads to breakdown on my part. Suddenly, I’ve lost him, my future life, and anything cool about myself I let myself believe, all in one foul swoop.

System. Breakdown.

Except. What I failed to notice was that he almost never loses interest all of a sudden. The signs are always there gradually evident, I just didn’t see them because (as Eric pointed out to me) I was in my head living in a distorted (prettier) version of what was happening instead of noticing actual reality as it happens.

Everybody else could see it because they weren’t in a trance like me. (Except for my lovable but foolish girlfriends who live in their own painful trances.)

I think guys, like the cavemen they are in their biological essence, totally have the advantage over us in this initial stage in some ways. They totally keep their head and don’t let their heart rule, because nature has given them the ability to separate the ability to be physically intimate with the object of their attention, without becoming bonded to her. In fact without putting ourselves down, that’s almost what we are, the object of their attention, someone who’s affection and favours they want to, and need, to win.

The only problem for us is, once they win us – because they’re not emotionally invested in us yet – whether they want to keep us or not, is a different matter altogether. If another exciting or more alluring challenge appears on the horizon, there’s nothing holding them back from going out on the next hunt.

Leaving us alone holding the baby (only metaphorically one hopes.)

The key has got to be what stops us getting emotionally invested too early, so we can match their attitude until the deal is sealed. Quoting directly from what I’ve learnt from Eric (and the other ladies here):

– You’re 100% single until you’re 100% not
(God I love this rule so much! Knowing it solves so much!)

– Casual sex makes a woman biologically and emotionally committed / bonded regardless of where the man is at. If he’s not emotionally invested and bonded yet, she should get ready to potentially cry into her pillow and nurse her broken heart until how ever long it takes to heal.

(- I feel like there was a 3rd brilliant thing Eric pointed out, but I can’t remember what it was as now… anyone remember what it was???)

When dating happens, whilst he’s working towards getting physically intimate a woman, he’s also simultaneously assessing her character and personality, and for life fit ie how well she’ll fit into his life and be able to integrate into his life agenda.

This is smart. He’s rational and getting his needs meet at the same time. He’s thinking Now, and the Reality of what the Future might look like. He takes his time, he instinctively knows his whole future life depends on it. No matter how he seems to behave and all the lovey dovey gestures he makes, until he expressly and explicitly states he’s committed, he’s free to potentially walk out the door at any moment if things start going south for him.

But for us though, once we get physically intimate (read as sex for most, but even less that that if your line is earlier) rationality is totally overwhelmed by Feeling. Because we’re All Heart right. That’s normally the beauty of us and why would we want to be any other way?

Outside of a committed relationship, being all heart does not serve us. Not seeing the real truth of what is in front of us, this is our enemy. We HAVE to keep our heads. We have to stay mentally clear and rational. Sex robs us of this ability.

Only inside a committed relationship can we afford to be all heart, because he’s bringing his heart to us too now.

And then we’re totally in our element and have the advantage! Because we’re the Queens of Heart right?! Emotions are our thing and we can lead him and his heart beautifully once we’re in it together for our mutual highest good.

So. That’s what I’ve learnt so far.

Oh, and that the key to winning his heart, lies in our ability to:

(1) protect our own hearts whilst simultaneously being kind, generous and loving (because then he knows he’s potentially got a smart and strong woman in his corner);

(2) inspire him to bring out his best in the game of life. To do this we need to get curious and discover what drives him, what his dreams, hopes, fears, motivations etc are (Be the wind beneath his wings to quote the song.)

(3) be independently happy and successful in our own lives (so he knows we’re not going to be a drain on him).

You know what. I totally get guys for thinking like this. I’m a single mum with young twins and this is exactly how I think now.

If I’ve missed anything, please update me! I’m keen to learn!