Two Week Break: No Contact

It Is good to see you communicate so well. I hear you. He is part of ur daily routine, of ur life. It’s be so hard to imagine losing him or this relationship. I have been going through similar thing for extended period. Understand u. Hugs.

I’m sorry for your sadness. I can only imagine how you must feel. Treasure this time and spend it taking care of yourself — do things you enjoy, spend time with family/friends, journal, etc. Just stay busy with worthwhile activities. That is critical. As time goes on it’ll get easier. Just take it day by day. Instead of focusing when he’s expected to return to you, focus on returning to self, loving self, and healing self. If you do this, with assistance from your support system, you’ll emerge on the other end, stronger and better for yourself, first — then others.

Honestly, a relationship shouldn’t be this hard. Love is not enough, its just one part of the entire pie and without all the others the pie will crumble.

You need to take this time to truly consider if he’s someone you can rely on to be there during the hard times! He is SHOWING YOU he’s someone you cannot rely on to be there, one who will flit in and out of your life when he’s not in a good place which appears to be every three months based on your short time together.

Seriously, you need to take this time and DETACH yourself from him because your clinging onto him like a life preserver and he’s clearly not capable of being that for you because your drowning yet more concerned about ‘fixing him’ than you are fixing yourself. Take this time to FIX YOU, as your co-dependency is going to destroy you if you don’t get a handle on now and learn how to create strong healthy boundaries. I suggest you seek a therapist as well because your not seeing ‘the big picture’ of how difficult your life would be hanging onto a man who’s going to keep running away when his mood changes.

Melody,

I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. Use the time as well as you can, and keep coming back here for support if you need it. Hugs.

I know who the trolls are when I see them, so I’m ok there, but I appreciate your concern. I think you’re also misreading my response. I was saying that he’s not just getting drunk as something that I know to be true that makes the difference to me. He’s taking a thoughtful, constructive break. That makes him worth the wait. I’m not defending him because he doesn’t need defending. I was married to a man who ‘didn’t have a problem’, and when it became clear that he was never going to work on things or improve, I took my leave. We were together 11 years.

I also know this might not be an ‘every time’ thing, either. He is working on his panic response as I am working on my fear. But this is the first time he’s been really taking this by the horns, so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. And maybe this forum will simply prove to me that I’m going to be fine either way. I just don’t want to set myself up for the temptation to contact if I can set up a post here as a last resort.

Primarily when I said I’d post daily, it was more because I read about a girl called Sofia on here and she left everyone hanging with her progress. As I’m in the same boat, I don’t want to leave anyone else in a similar situation wondering how to get through. I think everyone’s posts here are valid and have the potential to be helpful to others.

Right?! I was so miffed and I just read it last night. Felt bad for everyone who was there the whole time trying to help. I hope she’s ok and things worked out so she’s happier now.

Thank you for your support; I understand most ppl here on this site are trying to help and so far everyone is talking to me like they would a friend they care for. I also get where they’re coming from but I’m not ready to let him go. I need to see how this story ends from a healthier place.

So I’m working on me, but I’m also very anxious. So I need the advice. I might not want to hear it but every perspective helps. I’m all over the place lol.

So how did you do it? I’m working on getting there but any pointers would help. I’m currently doing CBT, that seems to make the panic go away a bit.

I also recommend yoga btw

Hi-sorry you are struggling with this. I am older-edge of 60-lol and will give you my “life experience ” take. People that are emotionally healthy and/or in good relationships turn to each other to help cope with life’s issues and problems. If they are turning away it can mean many things,among them that they can’t deal with themselves,let alone another person.
I hope he can get help and figure out what he wants. However,I see a pattern here that has a high chance of you just getting rejected and hurt again and again with no end to it. People are not always “worth waiting for” and you can waste lots of time for ultimately nothing. Post with updates as needed.

Let’s see. You bi5 are in therapy, use the therapy lingo and can’t get along? Anyone without a degree tell you it takes two healthy people to have a good relationship? My fee advice. No charge

I have a psychology degree, have worked in human services capacity for years doing social work, had years of past trauma, years of therapy, am currently in therapy with a trauma specialist to continue my healing and am very familiar with attachment theory. And I’m very sorry to say — your posts come across as very codependent. You act is if you can control the outcome of things with hard work and reflection, that if you just examine something enough and understand it — you will be able to move the pieces around and make it fit. That is false thinking and just not how it works sometimes.

You wrote you were going to ask your SO “to commit to talking about his panic before he throws in the towel”. Don’t you see how you’re attempting to control his narrative? What if you tried less managing and more being still? What if you gave him space (not physical — I know you already have to do that) but emotional space where he actually feels SAFE telling you how he feels?

You feel somewhere inside you that if only things are talked about in a logical way, at a measured pace, with objectivity, with understanding of neuroses — that all will be well and sorted and he will SEE THE LIGHT about his panic, about the “rightness” of your relationship. This course of action may be all well and good for science or something similar — but very different for matters of the heart.

I agree with everything Lane said. This man is a grown man. People only do things when they are ready and willing to do them. I know you don’t consider him to be a responsible and ready partner right now because you make all kinds of excuses (give reasons) why he cannot be (his panic, his depression, his anxiety) Even if this were the case, 2 weeks of alone time is not going to equal a reliable partner when you two have already been together for over half a year. (And this is supposed to be the honeymoon! And yes, usually even people with mental health issues go through this relationship stage!)

I am convinced, unfortunately, that you make it so difficult to tell him things and to end the relationship that these are the measures he resorts to. Additionally, even if he wants the relationship to continue — what kind of partnership is it where one has to go off on their own for weeks and figure out their deepest fears, issues, challenges? When you see a future with an SO you want them to be involved in the process.

Please take this time to rediscover you. Your posts are all about him. I know it doesn’t seem that way. And I know it’s a generalization — but men who need breaks from a woman who loves them are really just men not sure about the woman or are in no place to make healthy decisions regarding their futures. And a mere two weeks is not going to change that.

I agree it’s a good idea to give him this time and space, espcially if he’s seeking help.

But..he’s done this to you twice in the space of 7 months. This can’t keep happening. I can see him as one of those men who just walk out on his wife and kids because it “became too much”.

You need to think about you and put yourself first. What he’s doing to you is a mild betrayal. He agreed to be in a commited relationship and now he’s backtracked.

Please don’t let him keep doing this. Three strikes and you’re out should be your rule. If he’s not healthy enough to be in a relationship, he won’t make a good partner. You can’t make him be one.