Two Week Break: No Contact

It does feel confusing, when you’re all mired in the muck of codependency. What you feel is love and compassion for a man in an unhealthy relationship is just you trying to work out your own self-worth issues, and to substitute endorphins, hormones, chemicals that come from interacting with an intimate partner to fill some of the void of your own self doubt. I am not in any way saying you don’t care for this man — I know that you do. But what I’m trying to say is that you care for HIM more than you care for YOU. And this type of imbalance will never translate into long term happiness.

I think your question is excellent. Loving yourself in the right way is NOT just bubble baths, manicures, exercising and losing weight, and etc. It’s about making HARD ASS choices in your relationships. It’s about READING articles on sites like Baggage Reclaim and Ask Polly (@Cut magazine) — like they are your new Bible — because they ARE. It takes time. When you adopt a radical self-love program you’re going to take a couple of steps forward and then screw yourself over emotionally, then realize it, then forgive yourself because you’re learning, and then your gonna do it all over again.

At first when you go on the above sites and read books like “Why Men Love Bitches” you’re not gonna recognize the women they talk about as YOU. But it’s you. I didn’t see ME — until I did. You will too.

Self love means stopping in your tracks. Getting quiet and asking yourself — What do I want today? What do I need today? Is the person I’m with giving that to me on a consistent basis? Is this relationship balanced? Am I more involved in his life than my own? Does he support me? Do I FEEL supported? Do I feel happy and free?

No life isn’t roses and it’s going to be difficult. But a healthy relationship feels amazing a lot of the time. You feel lucky to be able to count on someone. You feel CALM and loved and SEEN. You are not making excuses for why your partner isn’t meeting your needs. You’re not waiting around by yourself because “just around the bend things are gonna work themselves out” when the other person realizes how lucky they are to have you.

You will be able to tell if you’re loving yourself the same way you can tell you are being loved well by another — by how your heart feels. When you are centered and living balanced — being with yourself or your healthy SO feels not anxious, not worried, not confused if that person will be there for you.

Start with those sites. Read about codependency. Good for you for taking some of this time to consider where YOU are in the midst of all your partners distress. You’re there somewhere, buried under all your compassion. You can stop caring so much about other people and start tending to you. You deserve that. And no one else will be able to do it better. Good luck.

I think anger is a good feeling because now you realize how little respect he showed you. Take it one day at a time and read T her last post over and over. Its excellent advice on how to improve yourself

Hi Nichole-I was struck by you saying how much you love him. May I suggest that you more likely “love” the person you think he “really” is or the person that he “could be”..if…if…if… So really the guy he is right now,is not able to be an equal partner and make you happy/facilitate your happiness and his own. Falling in love with potential is a recipe for disaster. You know that if he/things do not change,this won’t work. Two weeks is not gong to do it… So I suggest (gently) tht you cut him loose and moa. He may “heal” and return but don’t hold your breathe for it. Hope this helps.

I think I have to take him at his word because I have no other choice with regards to whether he’ll be back or not.

Our relationship wasn’t the problem; he head a lot of things he needed to sort out and focus on that we’re independent of us, and I’m glad he has the sense to know what he needs. He was in a spot where he felt like he was drowning in the recent events in his life, and I think he felt really guilty about not being able to be there for me in the way he thought I needed.

I had given him space prior to this, but he told me he felt like he was abandoning me when he took it. I’m hoping he doesn’t feel guilt about these two weeks, as that’s counterproductive to his healing. I do still feel pretty mad about how it was initiated, but in the state he was in, I don’t think he felt he had a choice.

I think I need to get better at telling him what I need. I’ve been censoring that because of the huge stressors that he was coping with, but this can’t work if it’s all on one side. I just know that he needed a lot more care than I did at this time, and so I took a step back from my needs in an effort to support him.

In the end, he’s working on himself and I’m working on me. For as long as I see that effort is being made by both of us, that makes all the difference to me. A commitment to being better today than we were yesterday. The reality is that he never gives up; he’s been through some heavy stuff in his life and he continues to seek treatment and fight through.

Good heavens, all this talk about “needs”… two needy people together doesn’t make a whole, it makes constant trouble.

I think you are way more into him and into this relationship than he is. Or he would have CALLED you to tell you he needed a break. Doing it by text and then refusing to talk is not indicative of someone who has the skills to be in a relationship.

And you “fear that his healing will be the end.” Well, yes. When you are both in unhealthy places and one person decides to change, the relationship will rarely continue, because it was built on both of you being co-dependent. And I’m sorry but you are definitely co-dependent.

Nichole… life is not supposed to be this hard. Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. Take this time to think about what YOU really want. It’s not just his decision. If you honestly think he’s going to call you up in two weeks and just get back with you and everything is going to be dandy, you are not being realistic at all. You’re hanging on very hard to something that doesn’t sound like it’s doing either of you much good.

The update.

We met today and I tough loved him. We discussed things we need to work on individually and together to make this work, but also to just be healthier on our own. We’re going to slow things down and breathe a bit. We’re going to be more forthcoming about what each of us needs and go from there.

When we first met, we were both in such turmoil that the comfort we found in each other was a false sense of everything being right in the world. So now that we’ve had time apart we’ve both realized that we need to keep doing the work even when things are sunny.

He’s worth the effort, and so am I. So we’re gonna give it a go from a healthier spot and put more focus on ourselves, see how that pans out.

Thanks for your advice, all.

why did he need a 2-week break? was he seeing someone during that time? you sure he wasn’t?

what was the reason he needed a “break” aka not seeing or talking to you? and he was not really asking, was he?

I am amazed at these new “norms”. I can see if one of the “partners” (BF/GF such infantile terms!!) wanted to spend more time alone, you’d tell them I want to be at home today and tomorrow, I want to do this or that can’t meet with you…but “asking for a break” this way is unacceptable! I can see why you were and still mad at him.

I think you are being in denial that you are going to “work on things” and it will be just fine. But I wish you luck! With this guy you need lots of it.