Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Typical early dating anxiety? Help, suggestions would be so much appreciated!
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Emma.
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Emma
I’ve been texting with this guy (I know him from sometime ago) for about for 4 weeks. He lives across the country. Personality wise he is on the shy, reserved side, but is in need to appreciation and encouragement, due to traumatic events in the past.
About 3 weeks after the start of the texting conversation we were in the same city and had 3 dates, several days apart. The get-togethers were absolutely amazing – we talked for hours and hours without stopping, laughed like crazy and couldn’t take our hands off of each other. We did kiss and it was absolutely amazing. Seemed like an unbelievable connection. On the final date we also got intimate (unfortunately, that part didn’t go as well, but it was the first time and we were both nervous. Basically he couldn’t come the first time around. We had to stop. Then later he tried again and came within a minute, or so). Anyway, the day after he had to live the country and was silent for about 2 days. I left him alone as I thought he needs to process what happened the night before (perhaps he was embarrassed). Anyway, he did get back in touch and we’re texting on daily basis again, but much shorter than before. Pretty much just checking in.
In the meantime, I believe I’m going through the typical girl anziety and am trying really hard to fight it, while also wondering maybe I’m being too understanding. Here are my “concerns”:
– other than the dates, he only texts. Never calls… I was okay with that at the beginning, but it’s starting to get to me. Yes, the in person meetings were good, but… Should I gently suggest switching to phone calls when we are away? Is it too early? Should I wait another month of texting? Maybe he’s not that interested in me if he only texts and never bothers to call
– He hardly asks me any questions about myself. When we were in person he asked a few questions – and those were “big” in my opinion, such as my religion, where do I see myself in a few years, important ones. Otherwise, he hardly ever asks me anything about my day, or if I’m doing well. Maybe now and then he will say that he hoped I had a good day. However, he is extremely happy to tell me about himself, his likes, his activities, plans, etc. I’m having a hard time interpreting this. Is he being shy? Is he trying not to show too much interest? Or is he not into me at all, even though he keeps connecting?
– He only texts my at night and chats with me for about an hour before we go to sleep. Granted, we live thousands of miles apart, so chatting at night might be the only time when we’re both available, so it could be a plausible explanation, but at the same time I’m starting to worry that maybe he is not that serious about this and only texts in bed because of sexual interest only. Am I overreacting here?
I’ve been letting him take the lead and respond welcoming to his texts, etc, but it’s been a month and questions are starting to creep up in my head. Should I continue with this flow for another month before raising the stakes in terms of discussing switching to phone calls, etc.?
Emma
Apologies for the typos…
Ewa
You are not overreacting. He is not interested in you . He doesn’t ask questions about you. He only texts you at night … you answered your own question.
Stop replying to him , this guy has nothing else to offer youLiz Lemon
This isn’t what you want to hear– but if this guy had any interest in escalating things with you, he would. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s that interested, honestly. He doesn’t ask you about himself, he doesn’t call, I assume he hasn’t talked about or arranged a date to see you again? Even though it’s been a month?
I think he’s keeping you on the hook as entertainment, and sex. If he’s back in your town, he’ll hit you up for sex again. In the meantime he’ll chat with you and talk about himself. But he isn’t interested in developing anything real. That’s how I’m reading this.
I think you slept with this guy too soon. You said after you slept together, he was silent for a couple days, and since then his texts have been short- basically just checking in. That tells you where his head is at. He’s not shy, or playing hard to get, or afraid to show too much interest– he simply does not have much interest.
If a guy is interested in you, he makes it clear. Honestly when you find a guy who is into you, you won’t question whether he is or not, because he will make it obvious. This guy hasn’t escalated things with you because he’s not interested in doing so. He’s happy where he’s at. He’s got someone who will listen to him talk about himself and possibly hook up again in the future.
Sorry if this seems blunt. I think your best bet is dating guys locally rather than trying to chase a guy across the country who is not interested.
Liz Lemon
One more thing– you say he is “in need to appreciation and encouragement, due to traumatic events in the past.” This guy is not a fixer-upper. You don’t need to involve yourself with a guy that needs fixing. Trust me, I’ve been there, done that– you cannot fix a guy who has issues, no matter how much you care, or want to fix him. If he is not healthy and whole and ready to date, you wish him well and move on. This goes for all men (and women for that matter), not just this guy.
Raven
‘We live thousands of miles apart…’
What is the end result you are hoping for?
Emma
Thank you for your replies. Very much appreciated!
About plans of getting together again – he did mention several times that he is looking forward to next time, will tell me some stories from his past (apparently too long of a discussion by text and he will elaborate when we see each other in person), stuff like that. So, the mention of meeting again was there, but no date has been established.
The other thing is, since I know him from a while back from professional settings, whenever we were in the same room he’s always been acting like he likes me A LOT, but never made a move until a month ago. He would blush when seeing me, his body would tense up, and he would be at a loss of words whenever we spoke in the past. He would basically freeze up. Also, in the past, he also did some amazing things for me, even though we were not dating, or communicating direcly. Everyone around noticed his feelings for me! So, finally, he had the courage to text me 4 weeks ago! And here we are…
Please keep the suggestions coming. It helps a lot!
Tallspicy
I do not agree with either of the posts. You just met this guy and you chose to get intimate before you were official. He does not live near you, and you know nothing about him. In my opinion, we don’t know yet. He is showing fair enough interest for someone he has basically been on one long date with (that is what I would characterize this as). You should not have slept with him only because
He should try to see you again soon. I suggest when he texts next, just say… how about giving me a call, I would love to hear your voice.
If you talk for more than 2 more weeks without discussing another visit, he should come to you, do not meet him somewhere, then just say… I loved our time together, but I am looking for the real deal and I don’t think this is going to work.
Tallspicy
Oh, the slept comment… you clearly now have expectations.
Maddie
What Liz said about fixing. That’s the important point.
Liz Lemon
I’m a little confused by your 2nd post. You initially said this guy lives across the country, but then you say you worked together, he did a lot of nice things for you, and other people noticed he was attracted to you. I assume this was in the past? How long ago was it? How did he “make a move” 4 weeks ago if he lives far away, did he reach out to you out of the blue, or what?
I stand by my first comment. In fact — if you have a history with this guy, and he did nice favor for you and had a visible crush on you in the past, there’s even more reason for him to be stepping things up if he were interested in pursuing something with you. This is not a guy you just met, from what you’re saying. It’s a guy you’ve known awhile and have a history with. He’s not a stranger. So he should be escalating things, if he is interested in you. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t ask you about yourself, he only texts at night. I think he’s comfortable with where things are at.
Raven also has a good point– what outcome are you ultimately hoping for, if he lives far away? I like Tallspicy’s suggestion too, next time you text, tell him you’d love to hear his voice and ask him to call. A guy with a romantic interest in you will jump on that.
Emma
Due to work related logistics, we collaborated together in various states multiple times over a few years. Similar to conferences, where we both had to travel from our homes to the meeting location. Hence, we knew each other that way. The most recent one was a couple of weeks before he texted. I believe he did finally make this move to contact me as the attraction between us was getting more and more intense (even though we weren’t talking that much) and it was hard to ignore it.
I agree with the suggestions and appreciate them. I had similar thoughts. It’s good to know other people’s takes on this. Not to defend him, or anything, but there are a few things that ARE positive. He IS consistent in his contact. Even though he doesn’t ask many questions, he does sound respectful and polite. If I disappear for longer than expected, he most certainly tries to connect again. There is also the issue of our first intimacy, which might make him apprehensive to escalate. That night he seemed so embarrassed and closed off right after it happened. So… I’m trying to be mindful of all of these nuances and it’s really helpful to hear other people’s thoughts as well.Liz Lemon
My point wasn’t that he is inconsistent in contact, or that he is disrespectful, or that that he doesn’t enjoy talking to you. My point is that he is not escalating his interactions with you. It’s been a month since you saw each other and had sex, and things between you are the same, no? That’s why you posted. If he wanted more, he’d be pushing for more. Phone calls, video calls, concrete plans to see each other again (not vague references to “next time”, but real plans), talks about dating/having a relationship (instead of just about himself, or what he did that day, etc…from what you’ve described you’re not even dating, it sounds like you’re good friends).
You’re making excuses for his lack of escalation by saying he was embarrassed by your first sexual encounter. I’m not so sure. I think he’s not escalating because he’s happy where you’re at. Just my opinion.
I don’t mean to be harsh. This is just my take. If you think there’s interest on his part, I’d go with Tallspicy’s advice– nudge him a tiny bit. Tell him you’d like him to call. It shouldn’t take much encouragement, if he’s interested. He shouldn’t make you work for it. A guy who wants to see you will make it happen without you having to drag it out of him.
Tallspicy
Whoa, i would in no way encourage a nudge. If he contacts you, then just say it would feel nice to connect by phone. Do not initiate anything with him. I did not realize a month had passed. This is over or a fling at best. Nothing will come of it.
Emma
I went through almost the same thing – whirlwind romance, trip away, great sex, and then things started to taper off. No texts during the day, FaceTime at night, no questions or wanting to get to know me more. Finally, after two weeks, it comes out that he’s met another girl and wants to date both of us. I made it clear that I wouldn’t entertain that scenario. After another two weeks, we ended. Very civil. Very… kind. And very heartbreaking because the potential, the what-could-have-been, the fantasy were all still very much there. It sucked, I cried, and being a mature adult, I decided to move on and not wait for this guy to get his sh*t together. Does this sound familiar?
Fast forward: I met a man. He listens to me. He texts me. He makes me dinner. He makes plans with me well in advance. And most importantly, he’s acknowledged that he’s looking for something more meaningful and has hidden his dating profile so he can date me. He is also sharing how he feels about me. That kind of openness is really sexy, and rare, and essential for a long-term relationship. By not playing games, he’s helping me be vulnerable and open. We get to see if there’s a chance this could be serious. We’re still having fun… but my point is, we’re both on the same page.
As much as this sucks, as much as you want him to be the right guy… at this point in time, he isn’t the right one for you. Maybe he will be once he’s worked through his issues. Know this: Lots of people have sh*tty childhoods and work through their stuff. That type of explanation is an excuse to not do the work and engage in self-discovery. You don’t want that. You want someone capable of cleaning up their own mess.
As long as you let him, he will stick around and take up your time and your energy.
It’s absolutely okay to feel let down or disappointed, to grieve this connection and this possibility.But by choosing to hold on to something that is not serving your needs, by buying into his bulls**t, you are choosing yourself second. Choose you first. <3
Best part – guy #1 has started trying to get back into my life. You can imagine how much I care.
Emma
Thank you for all the advice! Very helpful. And I agree with a lot that has been suggested. Haven’t texted him about the phone call yet, but working on it.
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