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- This topic has 48 replies and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by
redcurleysue.
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Anonymous
So I really need a little assistance hear with understanding whether or not some of the concerns I’ve had with guys I’ve dated in the past is just an example of how they all are or not. Should that be the case I’ll translate as take it or leave it.
– A large majority of men are all good as long as you never bring up an issue/conflicting situation.
– A large majority tend to be cold and/or lack compassion.
– A large majority want their cake and eat it too. (e.g. Have multiple women and/or tell you your the only one when your not and/or expect a woman to take on wifely roles and act like you have the plague if you dare to mention the word commitment.)
– A large majority are afraid of commitment (marriage). (e.g. They will date for yrs 5plus if they can get away with it…which by the way I would never stand for.)redcurleysue
What do most men want in a relationship?
Respect
Admiration
Love
Some notion of freedomA man does not shy from respectful differences in situations. He shies from emotional conflict which is altogether different. When things get emotional with another man he can hit him…with a woman he cannot hit so to “win” he may say something to make her back down or he walks away. That is why it is not a good idea to get emotional about differences with a man.
As for being cold – I look at 9-11 and the aftermath…all those men who came and helped – thousands of them with boats, trucks, equipment, and anything you could name were not cold. They were stoic but not cold.
As for multiple “girls” I think men have more of a “variety” gene but I also think that men realize that if they want someone who is trustworthy they have to lead in being trustworthy and loyal. A real man takes his word very seriously.
As for commitment – again, a man knows he cannot get what he is unwilling to give. If he wants to “lock a woman down” then he has to commit. Men want their freedom but they are willing to trade that for a good woman. That is why it is a good idea to give them time with their friends and space when they need it.
I hope this helps and you see things a bit differently.
EM
This is not true. Men are just as compassionate and willing to commit as we are. They are not as mature as we are and they do commit when they find a woman that they connect with.
Harley
Agree with the other posters.
you either. …are meeting the wrong men, not understanding them
..
or both.THIS. ..is the ares you have to work on …not the men.
Harley
ares…meant areas
Sassperilla
I think there are a large amount of assclowns out there, for sure. The reason you meet so many is that the natural space for the assclowns is out there in the single and dating pool. Because most of the non-assclowns have picked their girl out early and settled and are off the scene.
However that doesn’t mean ALL single men are assclowns.
There are just as many men who want a long term committed relationship, kids, the works.
I know plenty of single men who are my friends and long for that. And when they meet the right woman they’ll make it happen.
Misty
@Sassperilla,
I actually believe there are very few “assclowns” out there, like 5% and the rest of the men are just ones who are fed up with the more than 70% of women (in my estimation) today who are either too insecure and needy/clingy or just plain old whackos.
I actually really feel sorry for the men. Poor guys have to weed out crazy nutsos who snoop through their phones and accuse them of all sorts of crazy things they hatched up in their heads when they were in a negative space.
Honestly, all women would benefit tremendously by thinking positively and living life one day at a time.
As long as you keep negativity in your thoughts and words, you will never be truly happy and no “good” man will ever want to date you.
You will fulfill your own prophecy…you will never find good men because you will never be in the space where good men are.
You can change this dynamic if you want…but it can also stay this way if you want…it’s your choice. Choose Happiness or Choose Misery.
Phillygirl
I agree completely with Red, EM, Harley and Misty.
I have healthy boundaries and self-esteem and meet great guys all the time. I am in an amazing relationship with the most wonderful man, but I was happy, secure, fulfiilled and drama free before him (and now with him).
We’ve talked about it before. I think “like really does attract like”, because few assclowns approach me, and when they do I spot them immedtiately… and then tell them exaclty where to go (and how to arrive there)
Misty
Thank you Phillygirl. I can tell you have chosen Happiness over Misery. :) :)
Stefanie
After getting a great big laugh about assclowns for the past couple of weeks, I’ve decided to give the word retirement from my vocabulary. I agree, they are in the minority. And you get more of what you focus on. So better to focus on the good stuff.
Misty
Yep Stefanie, agree 100%. We do get what we focus our thoughts on…
Sassperilla
Yeah I dunno Misty, I think there’s as many assclowns out there as there are female wackos… I don’t think blaming women is any better than blaming men!
What it is about is the meeting of two people who are right for each other.
If you have to ask, ponder, analyse, question, challenge… then probably it’s not right. Close that box and have a peek in the next one. When it’s right things should just kind of fall into place.
It’s the fear that it never will that drives the cray cray. When you’ve opened 100 “not right” boxes and you have high hopes the next one will be the right one…
But there are also a lot of lonely, jaded people out there who will use other lonely jaded people for crumbs of comfort without really knowing what they want. And I think that’s what the OP has been encountering. Her concerns are valid. It’s not right to use people, it’s not right to mislead people. And a lot of people are out there in the singles game doing exactly that.
talllady
Oh my! I cannot believe that someone on here would besmirch our gender so much. 70% of women are wackos??? REALLY??? Or maybe dating is hard until you find a good fit. Show some compassion, especially since I doubt anyone here has not had a moment or two. It does not help anyone to feel so superior. And you can be loved and not be perfect all the time.
I do not believe for one second – all the men are great and most of the women are crazy. Jesus – just even thinking about it makes me want to scream. We need to support each other and not support silly stereptypes that simple are not true.
It is not bad to have needs, it is bad to express them passive aggressively or meanly. It is not bad to like someone, it is bad to put yourself in a lower position for the sake of liking someone. It is not bad to have moments of doubt and vulnerability, it is bad to have only minutes of desperation and pain.
This does not mean that we should not be fullfulled, happy etc, but many people act crazy….
Misty
What I’m saying is that 70 percent of women today expect an insta-relationship. That stems from the “I want it and I want it NOW” mentality that most of the women on this board have!
That’s fine and dandy in movies, but not realistic in real life. I challenge ANYONE man or woman to show me statistics from a peer-reviewed Social Psychology or Family Therapy Psychology Journal that shows that you can get to know another person so well in just 3 or 4 months that you are SURE you want to spend the rest of your natural life with them!
Until you people learn how to live one day at a time, you will not, repeat NOT find true happiness.
The definition of Insanity according to Einstein is “doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”.
Ponder on that one for a few!
Sassperilla
So Misty, there are no men out there misleading and playing women to get what they want without commitment?
Misty
I never said that Sassperilla. Please re-read my posts. Please show me EXACTLY WHERE I said that “there are no men out there misleading and playing women to get what they want without commitment”. :)
See, this is EXACTLY the problem with most women…they don’t READ, they ASS U ME or interpret things only as they want to, not bothering to see what the person might be trying to convey!!! Might be a smart idea to actually COMPREHEND what people are actually communicating to you!
Start with something very basic and should be taught in Grade School–Communication of any form consists of:
SENDER
MESSAGE
RECEIVER
FEEDBACKYou people tend to get confused as to what the message is because you don’t take time to process and just ASSUME!
Sassperilla
Yeah well I’m a bit old for grade school and I’m also not American so your example isn’t familiar to me.
I’m not actually making assumptions so much as I am interpreting what your saying to be that women are to blame.
5% assclowns, 70% crazy women – kind of weighs in favour of the women being at fault.
There are MANY men out there starting out in what are ostensibly relationships but with the very recent and modern caveat of “not wanting anything serious”. They still get what is for all intents and purposes a traditional relationship because they respond to the woman’s girlfriend cues, take all the benefits, do not stop or restrict the relationship while it suits them, and then disappear or fade when they start to realise they have gone about it all wrong.
Relationships weren’t like this 20 years ago. They really weren’t.
It’s become too easy to lead people up the garden path with words (spoken but more written) and consume the benefits (like fast food) and then vanish when it gets too tough.
Men lead, and they lead with this behaviour, and NO WONDER it drives some more fragile women crazy.
I’m not denying women are guilty of irrational, needy, difficult behaviour. Some of the things I read on here astound me. But men are setting these scenes. Then bailing when the temperature inevitably goes up.
talllady
It is correct that you cannot know someone in 3-4 months, but that is very different from saying women are crazy. Which is exactly what was said. And it was said that 70% of women are crazy (And only 5% of men are not assclowns) – which is a IMPLICATION for which is it safe to INFER that the opposite. That is not an ASSUMPTION. Yes, I am going there as we all seem to be a bit ornery today and better at logic than some of the posters are.
If people are not understanding what you said, sometimes it is how it is communicated. Remember the SENDER and MESSAGE parts? The reality is the responsibility of communication is getting the outcome you though you would, so if everyone is not understanding your communication, it might be in how you communicated it, not in how the person interpreted it.
With that said, I also sometimes like someone and get hopeful of a relationship – that does not mean I am crazy, and it does mean I assume we are in a relationship. It also does not mean I assume we know each other better than we do.
Men and women are both out there poorly or indirectly or painfully communicating. Real relationships take time and need room for vulnerability and imperfection. They are about growth and connection, not certainty (which is a myth) or significance (which comes from inside).
Also life is not controllable – there will be people who will take from you without giving back, but it is your responsibility to leave those situations and if they happen early in dating not chocking it up to someone being a jerk. Everyone is doing the best they can.
If you believe men are jerks, you will see that. I am working on realizing I can be imperfect and that is ok. The man who loves me will be ok with me being 80% confident and awesome and 20% a mess – insecure and needy. With that said, I do not vomit that stuff on someone I just met. That is why I let them lead and show up as appreciative, receptive and responsive….
talllady
oops, I meant, it *does not* mean I assume we are in a relationshipp
Misty
All I’m going to say to you both is it might be a good idea if you both took some time to read or re-read the article Eric posted about what men want from a first date…
That’s what I am trying to get across to all of you who feel that men are jerks and you all are all angels….
talllady
No one is either. That was my point. What men want on a date – a good time. Appreciative, interested, interesting, receptive and responsive. Not rocket science….
talllady
I don’t need to reread anything because I don’t assume all women are crazy and I don’t assume all men are jerks. I don’t make outrageous statements like that and when things don’t work, I look to see what my role was…. I don’t assume someone I have been out with several times is my boyfriend (but may hope it goes that way soonish 8-10 weeks), I don’t contact men first and I just get disappointed, but have faith and confidence.
Dating is a roller coaster and most of what happens comes down to a combo of connection, chemistry, compatibility and timing. It is not usually anything personal. But show up and bring your A game, and if you don’t just be kind to yourself and take the learning.
talllady
I don’t need to reread anything because I don’t assume all women are crazy and I don’t assume all men are jerks. I don’t make outrageous statements like that and when things don’t work, I look to see what my role was…. I don’t assume someone I have been out with several times is my boyfriend (but may hope it goes that way soonish 8-10 weeks), I don’t contact men first and I just get disappointed, but have faith and confidence.
Dating is a roller coaster and most of what happens comes down to a combo of connection, chemistry, compatibility and timing. It is not usually anything personal. But show up and bring your A game, and if you don’t just be kind to yourself and take the learning.
talllady
Ahhh, got curious and just reread it – yep, all they want is a thank you and warmth.
Phillygirl
I think there are problems with communication from both sexes.
I meet many wonderful, stable, intelligent women all the time. Same for men. I also meet wackadoos of both sexes.
I don’t think that most men or most women are bad or unethical. But I do think social media has added 2 negatives for every 1 benefit.
I think regardless of where any of us are at, we can all learn something. As I can tell you, I learn form this forum all the time. And I hope I never think I’m too superior to have compassion or try to understand another’s point of view.
I do think that some of the issues with men of this generation is a by-product of the social media rage, and the availability of more women who are willing to have NSA relationships.
I am teaching my son more of the old-fashioned values regarding relationships, I think it’s much more respectful and dignified.
But I understand that’s not for everyone. I can only be true to myself.
I don’t think we as women should diminish ourselves (to ourselves or to one another). I am much more inclined to try and build up, but I will be stern and firm when it’s necessary.
But I appreciate the dialogues that go on here, very much so.
The best part of this site is ladies helping ladies.
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