Understanding Men

*sofie=softie… :)

Well said Carrie!

Like I say Men are from MARS and Women are from VENUS—two terrestrial planets that reside in the same galaxy but on different orbits where earth (the bridge) happens to be in between :-)

I am single and looking for good soulmate. I must say, a lot of married guys or guy that play around does play around even thought I don’t do ONS. Maybe 50% are players out there. My own personal experience. I am picking in a sense that I need to connect a person at a emotional level if I am in a relationship.

Maybe some of you can enlighten me. I met a Spanish guy in Singapore on a dating apps last Sep( I deleted the apps becos I find it is difficult to talk to strangers everyday) . He only text 2-3 wks once. We get intimacy too soon ( I am Asean, in my late 30s). He said he is not into relationship and somehow every time we meet is only at his place he cooks dinner. Last week, he said he did not get intimacy with anymore except me. I accidentally saw a msg from Tinder when he left the phone on e table. I make it clear that I don’t do fling when we first chat online before we met. I am not clingy type and maybe I did not set the standard that is why I am in this situation. I will go over to see him when he text. Maybe I give in too my for him. I thought if I want a relationship to work, I will need to put in 200%. But seems to be disastrous because I am even not the gf or h doesn’t even text. Maybe text once in 2 wks.

Will man lie just to get intimacy ? If I mentioned earlier I doesn’t do fling, he has choices to move on to other gal who some are open to open relationship. I enjoy his accompany when with him. But I realize maybe integrity is an issue and commitment is an issue. He was a divorcee 3 yrs ago. Does man fear to have a gf earning better than them ? I am doing quite ok in life and he is a teacher . I am my own social circle and he is very loner person.

I thought about it last night for hours. Maybe the next time he text, I would just say busy or I doesn’t handle casual relationship well. Time to move on. Not to brag, I think I am quite smart woman, but come to man, totally I still have not figure it out.

I learn a lot from the forum sharing. I have many gfs who are successful in their life just did not meet any gd man out there. Hopefully, there is a platform for men to educate men on relationship which can bridge the gap of woman and man.

Thanks for sue. Altering reading the forum, I kind of know what is booty call. Maybe I fall into this category. Just doesn’t feel good abt it.

I am quite an independent person and quite conservative Asean. First time I try the dating apps. Deleted it when my friend told me that is hook up apps. thought I make it clear that I do not do fling and only want serious relationship before I agree with the date . First date he requested to meet at his place which initially I suggest a public place. It started raining and I agree to meet at his place. Maybe it is totally wrong at the first date to start with and he wants to get closer even on the first date. Just don’t understand why man lie and why they like multiple partners. I did tell him initially I only can handle 1 relationship at a time, if you are seeing someone, please move on. I will not angry because we are just few dates. He kind of told me that he only have intimacy with me since we met. But I think he lie. Last month, before I left his place after dinner, suddenly I saw a text from girl from tinder apps, I doesn’t check his phone . He was trying to make a cab booking using his phone and msg pops up. He quickly hide it.
He only text once every 2 wks. Very short text. From all the forum I read, it looks more like booty call. My perception of a teacher would be a very good character.

Could you please give me some advice if he text again ? How shall I say ?
Should I say I am Busy and maybe later tell him I don’t handle casual relationship well and need time to thk about it. I doesn’t want to put a blame on him but seriously casual thing is not what I am looking for. Although I do like him.

I do have dates if I do go out social events. Some men are younger, I felt I can’t click with them. They feel like younger brother. And I have gone through lots of things in life. Even the same age guy I felt they are a bit immature at times. Maybe I have to change my expectation in life.

Misty, your comments may have been well-intentioned, but your delivery was atrocious.

As has been said so many, many times before, men look for sex first, then decide if they have feelings. For women, it’s often the opposite. And therein lies the rub.

Hey Tara,

Thanks for your input. My point throughout this post has been that MOST women have no clue of what goes on into men’s brains…hence so many relationship forums around today.

Men are simple creatures. You are absolutely correct, men look for sex first, meaning no matter how great a girlfriend you are, if he’s not getting good sex from you, he’ll do the slow fade on you.

I do agree that most women should not sleep with the guy until they know the guy well enough to know he’s not going to fade on them, but that usually takes 6 months or more and most women will give in to sex long before that. Most men will do the slow fade on a woman who doesn’t give in to sex but is doing it only out of fear of losing him if she does. Men can sense a “faking it” vibe miles away.

The other reason for the slow fade related to sex is that he’ll find it unsatisfying or boring and move on to greener pastures. Again, men can sense a “faking it” vibe miles away.

What I’m saying is that if you do have exceptional sex with the guy, you still need to live your life one day at a time because that is how you keep the “happy” in the relationship. If you’re not living your life one day at a time, insecurities will creep in and it will end your relationship because the guy will either do the slow fade, cheat on you, or just tell you “he loves you but isn’t in love with you” because “in love” requires passion and sexual satisfaction which he isn’t getting from you because you don’t know how to live your life one day at a time.

Misty,

I really do think you have good intentions, care, and want to help. I am an East Coast girl, born and raised. All my family is as well, although I moved away years ago. But my personailty was formed and refined there, so that also forms how I think, speak, and interact.

People from the East Coast of the U.S. are known for their direct, no-nonsense, unfiltered way of speaking. Things move very fast there, so there is little time to beat around the bush.

This can be a good thing, but like evrything in life can be a double edged sword. If you have a softer personality, they say people on the East Coast will chew you up, and spit you out. There is some truth to that, sadly. But what some people don’t realize is the other side. We love fiercely and protectivey. Family is everything. And family is not necessarily the people you share a genetic link with. Family includes close friends. We can be very clan-like, and you knew almost everyone in your neighborhood. It’s changed some, and in some cases too much and for the worse. But that is one thing I missed since I’ve moved out West. It’s a very different culture. I don’t see as much of the closeness in neighborhoods and that sense of broader family, I’m not saying it doesn’t exist here, but it’s definitely different.

I’m only saying this, cause I get your “I care so much sometimes I have to get in peoples faces to slap the stupid out of them”. I used to be that way. But I learned it rarely works. But you can definitely lose a lot of arguments and friends in the process. I thought it was the only way to get my point across. Until it was done to me, and then I started seeing how people can see it as the opposite of caring. I realized I was coming off as a bully and what people were more often seeing was this: mean, insenstive, loud, overbearing, confrontational, unwilling to listen, and I summed it up in one word to myself (I had become the dreaded and obnoxious know-it-all).

Now, many times what I told people was 100% truth and wisdom. And it was truly meant to help. But it was delivered with a sledgehammer. I really was doing it out of love and concern, but I can tell you the recipient didn’t see it that way.

It took a long time to re-train myself, and I am still very blunt at times. But I decided if people wanted to see all the love and good intentions I had in my heart, I had to show I love and respect them (and their feelings and opinions) first.

I don’t know if this helps you, but it was my own personal struggle for awhile. Sending you hugs :)

Hi Misty. Thanks for taking time to read my long reply. And I understand where you are coming from.

I had to learn a really hard lesson at a young age, about living life to the fullest one day at a time. It was the first and worst heartbreak of my life.

The day my dad died.

I realized how quicklly everything you thought you knew and understood changes in a millisecond. It’s 24 years later and sometimes I still hear his voice and cry because I can’t hug him or tell him I love him. And how graateful I am that he loved me so much, he taught to never love a man who didn’t love and cherish me in words and actions. He gave me my strong sense of self. He is the reason I am a successful woman in a male dominated profession (stockbroker). He made me believe I can do anything, deserve everyhting, and made me feel precioius. There is no greater love a father can give their daughter. Yes, I am crying right now. Big fat tears.

But his death taught me all we have is this moment, and to make the most of it. Love fully and wonderfully, but that it is a special gift to be earned by someone of high caliber.

We can do everything right. Be healthy in mind and body, respect ourselves and others, be courteous and open, find the “right” person and still nothing is ever guaranteed. My mom has never remarried. Never even dated since my dad’s death. She said she had a man that loved and cherished her, that she loved and cherished. It was enough. She doesn’t want another man in her life. It is sad, but G-d that is soooo beautiful. My grandparents were married 67 years (until the day Grandma died) and madly in love the whole time.The movie The Notebook exemplifies the kind of everlasting love they had.

This is what formed my personality. This is what I believe love is. Is it scary? YES! Is it risky? YES? Are there any guarantees? NO. But there are no gurantees in life-just death and taxes.

But that is exactly what makes the endeavor worthwhile, special, and precious. Do I think I have it all figured out? Nope.

But I am willing to be honest, open and to love with all my heart, and see where this journey takes me. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I make plans as best I can. I am a planner (both a financial planner by profession-but a planner by nature) but I realize the rug can get ripped out from under me again at any time.

So thanks for the reminder of “one day at a time”. I’ve been living it for a long time, but I think it’s worth saying again and again.

Harley, you know I love you, and I have no doubt true love is out there for you too!

Practicality and hope…I love that. We can all use more of both.

Big, fat, giant Hug!

Well I am always for hugs all around….

I actually enjoy the different styles and points of view…but I agree there is a limit to telling someone something straight and making a person feeling sorry they came here.

I think what makes this forum work is some of us are straight shooters and some more into people’s feelings…and maybe if one type of message does not work the other one does.

I like that a person gets it ALL from us and I am happy to even read the disagreements.

Big Hugs!!!

Hi Phillygirl,

Thanks so much for your advice and sharing of your experience. Really appreciate it. I guess the people here including me does felt like the strength and emotional support you have given us to face the truth of the unworthy relationship.
I have the same believe as you. Living life to the fullest and my goal is to be a better person everyday and be a loving person to the people around me. Maybe I tend to put 200% in everything I do to make it work. Thanks for telling me, it is the wrong formula : ) I felt I learn so much from this forum on how to handling non integrity man.

Just don’t understand why he will lie say that he is not sleeping with other woman. And I buy his bs when he only text every 2-3 wks. Thanks again for teaching me how to end it without blaming him and close the chapter of my life and move on . I am hitting 40 soon. And maybe because I do not date much in the younger day and focus on my career, provide for my parents and my dad too past away last 6 yrs ago. Only last 1-2 years , I felt like I want a companion in my life. That is why I try online apps , tinder a couple of days. And my friend told me it is a hook up apps, I quickly deleted it. Strangely guy that I met online only like to do texting and not calling. I wonder is it the insecurity in the new generation man. I guess lesson learn from dating the men from online apps.

Thanks for reminding me of my self worth. I will not allow man that without integrity and respects to come into our life.

Something to share, I met a older guy friend for breakfast last Sat. He likes me , nice guy but we do not have spark .
He bump into a friend at Starbucks and they used to mentioned volunteer In an NGO that teaches man to live an authentic life and life with integrity. I never heard abt that. And I asked him why does man live the life wo integrity ? He said generally men doesn’t have good role model to at. Maybe I think the world now really need more of this kind of org.

I pray that all of us here will growth stronger and smarter person and one day will find our soulmate .

Thank you Melissa for all your wonderful wishes – you are a sweetheart!