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Deanna.
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Deanna
I was dating a guy for the past 4 months, we met online and from the first conversation it just clicked.
It was my first time setting up an online profile, I was hesitant for a long time but finally got the courage to do it, within a few minutes we matched and instantly connected.
We went on our first date that weekend and since that date we had begun to see each other a couple time a week. We went away on a few mini trips over the first 2 month, he had met my close friends and my family pretty quickly and I his later on.
Everything seemed to just “fit” we had similar views on family, values, and the kind of future we wanted. We had very similar interests, some weekends going camping/hiking and some just relaxing, making dinner together and watching tv. Mentally, physically and emotionally everything seemed to be going on track and even great! I felt as though we were on the same page on where it was going so I never felt the need to force a conversation on exclusivity because I felt like we just knew. He had told me he hadn’t been seeing anyone and had no interest too and I agreed.
Last weekend after spending the holidays and NYE with his family we planned another weekend getaway together. The day before the trip he started getting a little distant, he said he needed some time to himself to get a bunch of stuff done. I expressed that I understand we all need some “me time” and that I respect and understand he needs a few day but made it clear that it wasn’t okay to cancel on me last minute wither. That if he wanted me to respect his time, he should do the same. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to be rude he just needs his “independence” some times.
I pulled back for a couple of days and let him do his thing, I reached out on the following Monday just to check in and see if things were going okay and he was very short with me. I bluntly just asked “are we good?” and he responded saying that he is unsure of us. That he likes me but just feels like something is missing. I went on to ask when he realized this and he said that he knew from the beginning but really liked me and wanted to try and see if things would get better. I was furious, but just simply replied with “you should have told me this sooner” and cut it off instantly.
Later that day reached out to me to tell me of the loss of a pet, of course I sent my condolences but he kept going with the hope of support. I said I was sorry and once again cut the conversation immediately.I’m just so confused, I don’t feel as though I should look for an answer from him because I font think I’ll ever get one but I’m looking for any clarification out there.
I’m 29 years old and I’ve always been a bit of a hopeless romantic and because of that I’ve never understood the concept of having “space” away from someone you care for. I’m having a hard time letting go of this because I really though this was “it”. Any advice would be so appreciated 😊Energy
Fear and self-doubt. It causes mixed emotions along with hot and cold behavior.
When someone asks for space it is based on fear.
Fear of what might happen.
Fear of actually being happy and doubting it working out for once in your life.
Fear of infidelity
Fear of falling in love because of how crushing it is to get heartbroken.
Fear of s×it that happened in the past and patterns repeating themselves.
Fear because of believing what someone else told him.
Fear of drama from outside sources if it did become serious.
Tallspicy
A couple of things here.
A. Next time get clarity on status
B. DO NOT LET HIM CONTACT YOU ANYMORE. If he reaches out again simply state “Bob, I believe whatever we have is now over if you no longer see a longer term romantic fit. While I appreciate you continuing to contact me, the reality is that I think it is best we no longer interact unless you change your mind to want to pursue something serious and real. I enjoyed our time together and I truly wish you the best”
C. You are wrong about people needing space. Men need space and you need to learn to give it to them by letting them lead. However, in this case, space was not the issue. He just used space an excuse to distance.
I had a similar situation at the end of 2018, and it was heartbreaking, but don’t let his lack of ability be your undoing! Get back out there when you are ready
kaye
I have been in your situation before and it definitely SUCKS! It’s depressing and heart breaking and leaves you with all kinds of thoughts running through your head. My similar situation is actually how I found this site. It’s also how I found out that men usually decide at the 3-4 month mark if they see a future with you. You will notice that repeated pattern on this site again and again. The woman thinks it’s all amazing, they click, such a connection, nothing is forced, it’s so easy and then BAM! You get the it’s not you it’s me talk, or I’m not ready for a relationship or in some cases the guy just ghosts and you are just left speechless. You are right that nothing he is going to say is going to make you less confused or give you closure. Sometimes what they tell you leaves you with even more questions and overthinking!!
This is the part where someone on this site told me to Google the stages of a man falling in love. A guy will be attracted to you, he will like you, he will impress you and get you to fall for him. But it’s not until AFTER the guy feels like he’s gotten you to fall for him that he actually sits back and seriously considers whether or not he wants to have a relationship with you. This is when he might disappear, or pullback for a while to figure things out. It’s totally unfair and blind-siding when he comes back and the answer is he’s unsure or he feels like something is missing. I know reading this isn’t going to make you feel better, but it might help you better understand how men’s minds work in the future.
The other part that sucks for women is in this 3-4 months he’s been on his best behavior getting you to fall for him so you haven’t seen him take off his “mask”. You haven’t found out the things about him that would make you reconsider a future with him. So you have him on this pedestal as the perfect man for you when actually you just don’t know all the things about him yet as to why this wouldn’t have worked. So you think you lost an amazing guy when really he wasn’t the right guy for you and there is a better one out there!!
I agree that no contact and cutting him off is your best option. It’s also the only option if he were actually going to miss you and realize he make a mistake by letting you go. Don’t give him comfort about his loss of his pet. He lost your comfort and companionship when he broke up with you. Make him live with that decision. And like you I don’t feel like when you love someone you are going to be asking them for space or a break. It’s not like you get married and your husband says I need space or a break from the relationship! Sure everyone needs their own “me time” and time to themselves especially if they are going through something stressful or depressing like the loss of a family member or pet. But someone who loves you, sees you as a partner, a team mate, a soul mate is going to turn to you for support instead of away from you. Most of the time if someone needs space or a break it’s because they are unsure of the relationship and it’s future. Or they simply aren’t at a good place in their life to commit to a relationship.
Fears
Most of the time if someone needs space or a break it’s because they are unsure of the relationship and it’s future. Or they simply aren’t at a good place in their life to commit to a relationship.
Facts.
I actually had a hard time dealing with my 8 year relationship ending and Im the one who ended it. Started talking to someone online who was in a better place emotionally. He continued to pursue me even though it was totally obvious I was emotionally unavailable and unsure about the whole thing to begin with. It ended badly.
Jo
I disagree that someone needing space usually means they’re having second thoughts, though in this case he obviously is.
It’s also not always men who need space. As an extreme introvert I often need space as too much stimulus can be stressful. Introverts need time alone to recharge, no matter how much in love they are. I’m happily married now, but when I was dating anyone who was unable to accommodate that need was instantly dumped. They would then conclude that the asking for space was a sign I wanted out anyway. Not true. The neediness and lack of respect for my basic needs led to the dumping!
I agree with everything Tallspicy says. Don’t let him contact you any more, it will make it harder to heal and that should be your priority.
Fears
Also, it wasn’t all my fault there were so many understandings. He was a bad communicator and talked to me through memes, music, signs, and symbols. I was super confused and it wasn’t working for me. I was unsure if he thought we were soulmates or just wanted to have a fling. He never made anything clear and i think he doubted my ability to figure sh×t out. I just wanted to get myself a better place emotionally to actually have a good relationship with someone and I guess he tried to help, tried to make me see it would be better if i just let him, i didn’t want to depend on him for making me happy its not fair to him. i wanted to already BE happy so him trying to help, it just made it worse, and made each other even more mad. We cant seem to forgive what each of us did to each other and move past it… So sorry I’m suffering….
Better off single
Lack of someone communicating their needs sucks. They expect you to be a mind reader then you’re the one who winds up hurt and confused.
Better off single
Lack of being straight forward and honest with you or actually talking to you and then they word something in a certain way to gaslight you in the future saying they never said/did that sucks. It’s a sign he isn’t really interested in being serious. He wants you to stay but doesn’t really want you and that is fuking selfish. The neediness and lack of respect for basic needs led to the dumping because you never asked and he never stated it.
You want him to see how much he’s hurting you. He won’t make it clear for you and doesn’t care if you’re hurt to make it right.
You want it to be different and it wont be so give the guy some space and consider it a break up.
Better off single
It destroys you emotionally and all that does is make him feel better about himself over something he started.
Better off single
When all you want is peace of mind and and all you get is an unsympathetic sorry you’re hurting…
Fk u
When you’re the one who absorbs this energy and can feel in your heart how much he deep down resents you and can feel how much it hurts. you want to resolve it so you can feel peace inside because he won’t make peace or even let you go and would rather watch you silently suffer and die inside.
You don’t care if he moved on to someone else and hope he is happier. all you want is for him to let go.
T from NY
Better off Single – not cool to hijack people’s threads!
Deanna – I am sorry you are hurting. Break ups suck and it’s hard not to take them personally. But really don’t! I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but this breakup is good if he wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to chime in about two points.
1) I also don’t agree that if someone needs space it’s be necessarily a “bad sign” and the other person isn’t invested. My last boyfriend of two years took a couple days “space” once (because we had been attached at the hip) around the same time frame (at about 5 mos in) and he came back stronger, more loving and enthusiastic about us than ever. But he also expressed he wanted to get back to some personal self care he had abandoned in our budding relationship. It was a good reminder for each of us to reconnect with our selves and helped us lots for the next year and a half we spent together. I now HAVE TO have space in my relationships. It’s just vital for my contentment.
2) It is important to understand, as Kaye explained, the difference between how men and women fall in love. His response to you said it all. He picked you, and stayed with you for several months, and did all those “relationship steps” things because he thought you were great. He probably still thinks you would be a great long term partner. But he just couldn’t “get there” when it came to falling in love. That’s something no one can control. The heart does what it wants. Chemistry supercedes reasoning a lot of times.
Sending you virtual hugs. We’ve all been there with a guy who liked us — but just couldn’t go the long haul. Nuthin to do with us — WE’RE AMAZING. Just like all those super nice guys you’ve probably kicked to the curb. Your eventual ‘person’ won’t run away. Get to loving on yourself. Grieve a bit. Heal. Then you’ll be okay.
bblluuueee
I had a similar situation. I remember I was talking to this guy for a long time, he always called me special or w/e. Then started to say something is missing about me and spoke about other stuff saying “I don’t talk as smoothly”, yet called me special and amazing to be around with. But still, he always said something is missing. I personally felt like slightly insecure, which I shouldn’t be in a relationship! I should feel loved and completely accepted and not viewed as “something missing”. Anyways, this guy started to be distant with me overtime, I did leave him, because he never gave me an explanation on how something is “missing”. I left him, he wanted me but I personally didn’t see it working out because he probably wanted something that he didn’t see in me. Which will result me into being sad/depressed/insecure. But now, I found someone amazing, we been together for over a year. And keep in mind, relationships are trial and error I guess… until you find someone who doesn’t make you feel any sort of negative way. Just do the right thing, use your mind not your heart in your case. Better partners will come no matter what age you are. I hope this helps!
Deanna
Thank you all for taking the time to write about your experiences and send me your advice! I’ve read through all your posts and definitely helps.
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