unprotected sex

Yes, bring it up, because this is important. Bring it up before a make-out session, and probably before going out to dinner too. If he doesn’t have condoms, then he needs a chance to go get them. It’s also good to bring it up in advance because if he’s very resistant or refuses (which would be a red flag!), then you’ll have a chance to deal with it before you’re in an awkward situation.

“Bob, I’ve had fun when we’re together, but it’s important for me to be safe when we’re having sex. I’ve been caught-up in the moment and I know we didn’t use condoms before, but I want us both to be better about that. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just let’s make sure we use condoms next time.”

If there’s slight resistance (like “why did you change your mind? is there something wrong?”), just stay on point: It’s important to you, and you want to be better about it, and you want BOTH of you to make sure you are safe.

thank you ladies and it is a little bit of a yellow flag that i was open about NOT being on birth control but that hasnt motivated him to use condoms. we didnt discuss std because the whole topic gives me the heebie jeebies if you know what i mean. it worries me that if he is doing it like this with me, is he doing it like this with someone else that he may or may not be seeing. joanne, i appreciate the script but im just worried about how to bring it up out of the blue. i know some people have sexual conversations/sexting which would be a great time to bring up this topic but we just dont have those conversations. should i text him this the next time we confirm plans and say okay see you soon btw, bla bla bla OR is that an inappropriate texting topic? im struggling to figure out how to bring this up in person in a smooth not awkward way especially since we never verbally discuss anything intimate.

raven, of course its important i am just not comfortable with this topic because its not something i typically discuss with any of my previous partners not that i have had very many and this was never an issue before. so its a struggle for me to formulate the right words and appropriately convey what i am trying to say on a topic i am very uncomfortable with if that makes sense

*(by relationships, I mean any sexual interaction, even if your relationship to the person is FWB or casual or not dating… they don’t deserve your time and energy sleeping with them if they don’t respect your health, comfort, and safety!)

thanks everyone we are supposed to meet tomorrow so i plan to have the talk then. i am DREADING it but i am 100% aware that it must be done. i was thinking of texting him and telling him i want to talk to him about something in person thats important. this way, if i chicken out he will ask what it is that i wanted to talk about and i wont have a choice but to say it. what do you guys think of this approach?

i absolutely agree this needs to be done in person. not only does this talk need to happen but i want to see his face and body language during the conversation just to get a better feel how he feels about everything. at this point i dont care if he hate the vague text message. the reason i specifically want it to be vague is because i am hopeful it will peak his interest and will cause him to bring it up himself as a backup for me. i am secretly hoping he will know what i want to talk about. because if he acts surprised i will be disappointed in him as a grown man not realizing how reckless we have both been acting. nevertheless i just dont want to come of accusatory during this conversation. yes, he dropped the ball but so did i.

Keep in mind, you’ve been having unprotected sex all this time and have never said anything. So he assumes you’re fine with it. He probably has no idea you’re thinking all this. So he may be caught off guard if you bring it up.

He stopped doing it because he didn’t want to use condoms and he took you not saying anything as tacit approval since it was what he preferred. But you also didn’t communicate and expected him to read your mind. Liz is right that sets up disappointment. Don’t expect him (or anybody) to read your mind, not in person or over text. He’ll have no idea what you want to talk about and if you don’t bring it up, even with a vague text, there’s a good chance he won’t either if he doesn’t really want to know.

If you really want to text him something ahead of time, text him “Reminder to bring a condom for our date tonight!” And then you still bring some as a backup anyway. This gets the most awkward part out of the way and gives you a lot to transition from in person. “Did you bring the condom? Great! Here are my preferences about safe sex.”

A vague text makes this conversation into a much bigger deal than it needs to be, and he may not ask you about it anyway because he may not want to know. Especially if he avoids serious conversation, like you’ve said has been the case so far.

I understand there are communities where people don’t get as educated about sexual health and it’s not discussed so you don’t know it’s normal. I once dated a guy like this. I brought it up, and he told me he’d never even had an STD test before his last girlfriend, who was equally horrified to hear that. They were seriously involved so she sat him down and got his butt into shape about all this stuff. Gave him the women’s perspective, why STD testing is important, the whole deal! She’s coincidentally from the same area as me, and I’m grateful she “trained” him already so I didn’t have to lmao. Except it was a very short relationship for me and didn’t work out for unrelated reasons, but it opened my eyes to someone being from someplace where these topics are not a regular part of life, to everyone’s detriment. That’s why I’m not getting too into tough love about it, sometimes people just don’t know and need to hear the information. But I also agree with Liz that if you can’t mutually discuss these topics, you probably shouldn’t be having sex because you’re not doing it responsibly and that’s so much risk to you. And I completely agree that each time you force yourself to bring it up to a new partner, it gets easier and easier until it’s no longer a big deal.

Good luck, fingers crossed for you!

All the above have given you solid advice. Please take it and use condoms to protect yourself and other future partners. Maybe my generation is different but sex talks are easier because HIV and Aids were a very big deal. Safe sex was the theme.

Your health is important. Be safe. There should never be anything scary about talking about safe sex or your own sexuality with your partner. If it is, they may not be the right partner.

Also, cheers to what Liz said. If you are not able to have a safe sex talk with your partner then you shouldn’t be having sex.