Update – message on his phone


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  • This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by AngieBaby.
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  • #841112 Reply
    Sally

    Hi, I just want to give an update for those of you that helped me out with this situation. If you remember I had seen a message on his phone with a woman’s name he had never mentioned. He said she was an old friend and refused to show me the messages. I was so sure something wasn’t right that I ended it.
    Well he asked to meet me and I reluctantly went. He then proceeded to show me the messages. They were very matter of fact and ‘friendly’ and nothing to be alarmed at. I also asked to see the media to check if photos had been exchanged but again only the occasional joke or family pics.
    I can honestly say I was so shocked as I would have bet my life on them being inappropriate. I apologised but explained I wouldn’t have been so mistrusting if he wouldn’t have acted so defensive over them. He said the reason was he had been accused in the past off previous partners when he was innocent so it made him angry that I seemed not to trust his word. I was slightly embarrassed but glad I was honest and dealt with things maturely, thanks to the advise from you lovely lot !

    #841116 Reply
    Newbie

    Dont be too apologetic. If you have never nagged him about texts and social media and whatever and this was the one time you did, then i think he could have handled this a whole lot better if this all was innocent. Instead he acted like a child and made you pay for exes actions.
    I think if you both continue you need to talk about communication skills. There is something you both can profit from in the future. Like you use different wordings – like i gave you examples in the other threat – and he doesnt mistake you for exes and takes you more serious when you ask a question. Take care and i hope it works out

    #841117 Reply
    Lane

    Glad the two of you were able to clear the air but it doesn’t sound like he’s really learned anything from this and still sweeping it under the rug instead of working towards problem solving. The fact he’s had two women question him, over the same thing, is a problem that he needs to take some ownership in and learn how to be honest and forthright from the get go. All this drama was completely unnecessary; whereas a man should WANT TO make his lady feel safe and secure instead of making her feel so insecure!

    I hope the elephant left the room. Not so sure because now you’ll be less apt to question him again when he might actually be doing something naughty. Just sayin.

    #841118 Reply
    Lane

    Ooops, missed the part it has happened to “many partners.” That’s a problem you need to solve not just dismiss it. Set a rule or standard going forward that if you or he feels something’s off or doesn’t sit right you will both be open, honest and transparent from hereon. Don’t abuse it but don’t settle either. This is how you build and maintain trust, safety and security in a relationship.

    #841129 Reply
    Anon

    That’s good he came to you by opening up. Men take time to process strong emotions, so he probably acted defensive instead of rationally thinking this through and just reacted to your request. Hopefully you can move beyond this and learn from this for conflicts you may have in the future regarding trust and communication.

    #841180 Reply
    Anderson

    It’s nice of you to apologize. But dont be embarrassed. Occasionally feeling suspicious/insecure and your partner reassuring you is part of being in relationship, imo at least

    And that means he shouldnt take it so personally if a gf wants to be reassured. But maybe I’m in no place to say this because I’ve only had to deal with something like this twice ever, so not even close to being annoying

    Dont feel bad you were ready to end it over this. Uncertainty is no joke. It is relationship cancer if not addressed. Learned that the hard way one time. Glad your bf mustered the courage to do the right thing. And @Anon brings up a good point. Sometimes even good people can struggle to fess up when put on the spot, survival instinct and all. Take care and best wishes

    #841208 Reply
    AngieBaby

    That was one of the possibilities I mentioned – past bad experiences of being unjustly accused.

    Now he needs to do something to work through the trauma so he doesn’t take it out on you again.

    I’m glad he came forward and you were able to work it out.

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