Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Used and thrown out ?
- This topic has 22 replies and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
Alice.
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Keri
Hi there,
So i´ve been in a exclusive relationship with this guy for 6 months now & last night he wanted a bj because i am on my period, he said i am good at it blah blah, and yes i ended up giving it to him, and when done a few minutes later he was like i am tired, you can go home now!
I was like, ok sure, and took my stuff and went to the front door. He was like are you upset now or? I was like, well you could of have kissed /hugged me or done something more affectionate even if i am on my period. And you got yours and now i should just leave, and he was like i didnt say it like that, but then he changed his mind and said, yes i did say that.It felt so degrading in a way & i feel i should not see him after this again. But not sure how to go about it, should i text him or meet him in person and express even further how it feel.
But last evening felt horrible and again, i felt almost used and thrown out of his place.
Tallspicy
You have been with this man 6 months and you want to end it over one night that was not great? So much for conflict resolution attempts or skills.
Had you planned to stay over or do you have a regular stay over assumer at this point? Has this happened before?
When he realized that what he said was not very caring… did he apologize or soften?First pull way way way back and let him initiate. Then I suggest you say, I feel really not ok with what happened last night. I do not want a relationship where it feels like I am sexual robot for their pleasure and not in a caring and growing relationship. I want to be able to mange conflict in a caring way so everyone feels like we are a team. So how will we Together make sure this does not happen again?
And if he does not try to fix it, then end it.
Keri
Hi Tall spice,
To answer your question, in fact this happens everytime – he never lets me sleep over, always after sex is over I have to leave sooner or later but last night felt even more rushed than before. It was only in the beginning when we started dating he offered me to sleep over 2 times & he even asked me to move in , but i just didn´t want to cause it was so early on i the relationship. We´re 6 months into dating now (but known each other for over 4 years) and i feel it should be ok to sleep over and hang out after sex.
We just hang out 1-2 times a week (weekends) when he´s not working, and he dosent really text or try to talk to me (ask how are you, goodnight, good morning texts) nothing during the week – if i don´t initiate first and then he´ll reply with 1 word most of the time. Past 1 month i´ve been the one texting/ asking to hang out , but he did try to reach out more past these 2 weeks. He seems very cold & maybe emotionally unavailable. I ´ve tried to talk to him like 5 times about our bedroom issues, but he dosen´t reciprocate either but still denies there´s any issues.
I guess this relationship is going nowhere when he dosent see my needs or cares.
Tallspicy
Ok, this is exactly what I thought. So, he is not treating you like his actual girlfriend. Things are not growing and you are not creating the beginnings of a life together.
Honestly, this is on you for tolerating this.
You have also tried to fix it and he is not interested in compromising.
I suggest you call him and break up, but as an actual break up, not a way to get him to wake up.
“Bob, I am sorry to do this by phone, but I have been thinking and I do not think this relationship has the trajectory I want. Thank you for the good times and I wish you the best”.
If he asks why, state… by 6 months I want to be seeing someone regularly, and creating a life together. What we have now is two acquaintances who sleep together. I want more and I am going to find it. I truely wish you the best.
But, you want to work it out, then you need to tell him you are very close to breaking up with him and what you need and will he give it to you. If no, goodbye, if yes, then watch him.
Raven
You’ve put up with this for 6 months… Why?!
Newbie
This guy makes you come over for sex and then you can go again. And you dont even get paid for it. Last time was him pushing another boundary to see what he gets away with. Yuk. Seriously most escorts get better treatment plus the money
Ss
I don’t get why you don’t stay over anymore if you did at the beginning? What changed? Did he say you can’t??
The description you give of your “exclusive relationship” sounds more like FWB and even when i see my FWB i usually stay over!
Honestly take tall spicy’s advice and END it. PROPERLY not as an ultimatum etc
Raven
Sounds more like a booty call… Does he ever come to yours?
T from NY
Men rarely use women. There are specific instances where a man lies and takes advantage – but what you’re describing is consistent treatment you participated in. I only point that out because, as women, we have to learn what we want, how to ask for it, decide what we’ll put up with, learn the way men communicate (mostly with action), what they’re behaviors mean and MOST importantly – be willing to walk away.
This guy may not feel he is even treating you badly. Maybe no one has ever taught him how to treat a lady. Or maybe, to him, he knows he’s not in love – but he likes you well enough to continue to want to have sex. We could guess about how he is feeling, or if he’s a “bad guy” for days.
What I’ve learned that matters is NOT who, what, where, when, why a guy does what he does. What matters is what I want. Is he making me happy? Has any way he has acted been a deal breaker for me? Does the way we interact make me want to continue? Clearly what this guy did (and what he’s been doing) would be a deal breaker for a lot of women. No need for anger or regret. Dating is about learning how to be a good partner yourself as well finding out what kind of partner you want and need. Never allow yourself to participate with a guy who demotes you from sleepovers to booty calls and doesn’t treat you with kindness, respect and affection. Chalk this one up to a big learn. Go forward. Love yourself better.
Keri
AGAIN, Thank you s much @tallspicy @raven @TfromNY @Ss and @Newbie
Yes – I tried to fix it but as you say it´s better to end it. I spoke to him on the phone today and told him about last night, and he said, he knew how i felt, he also said he is confused & dosen´t know what he wants (date me or not) but he is not good with emotions. Just more excuses. But he wants to contiune seeing me like before, and i am clearly not up for that anymore – it´s more of a FWB not a exclusive relationship.
Fact is, this guy is late 40´s no marriage, kids or anything in sight , something tells me he´s emotionally unavailable, he even said, sex is great and he as no issues , ofc he dosent – i am the one who is not getting sexually satisfied, very on sided and on top of all that – i should leave , just like you described – ESCORTS GETS BETTER TREATMENT!!
Very sad i wasted 6 months :( he might come back in 5 months and realize i treated him with love, but too late. I must NOT let him!!
Newbie
Yeah you must be strong and end it. I wrote down the escort quote on purpose to let you see what you are tolerating. The fact he is 40 plus is all the more reason to know he wont change. Write down whats not good and then firmly end it. This really does boil down to selflove. It always does. Love yourself and not this man and buy a good vibrator😄
Mandy
I wish women were better at recognizing the signs of unsuitable men far sooner than mobths after investing so much of their time.
This one doesn’t care. You are a sex toy to a little boy whose not ready yet for a real relationship.
Please pack your bags and be gone.
Amy
It’s hard, sometimes, when we are emotionally attached to someone, which often happens for women including me. But at least you have finally decided to walk away from someone who is using you for sex.
Like what T from NY said, next time, think about what you want and what type of relationship will make me happy. Don’t compromise too much and too long that we have lost our ways.
All the best!!
Keri
Thank you @Newbie @Many and @Amy
“you have finally decided to walk away from someone who is using you for sex. ”
This hit home. I also told him that he´s using me, he said i am overreacting :( There´s nothing i can say to make him see or understand how he´s treating me. But yes, i walked down those stairs when he told me to leave, and i felt so degraded and hurt :( I meant nothing.
T from NY
I’m sorry you are hurting. But let the pain instruct you. You were NOT used! You were a consenting adult who went along with the relationship dynamic because you hoped it meant something or would turn into something. The reason I’m hammering this home again is because women need to realize the position of POWER they have in their lives. If you felt degraded it was because you made a choice to perform a sexual act with someone who cared less about you than you did for them. We’ve all been there! And made realizations. That led to making different choices. This man cannot make you feel like nothing unless you don’t have enough self love!! The only person it REALLY MATTERS how they feel about you is — YOU! Go forward. Only consent to sex and sex acts with someone investing time, respect and affection to you. If they stop doing that – get out as soon as possible.
Newbie
I completely agree with T. Thinking you got used is giving your power away. And trying to make him understand is you still being in pleading mode. Maybe you need to feel used now to get angry. Thats fine. But it is really you condoning. And i hope you get a better sense of your own power and selfworth. Take care
Amy
At least you don’t allow that to happen AGAIN, and never let someone treats you like this AGAIN.
Take sometime to heal, reflect, and think about you boundaries. You are valuable, I know you know =)Tallspicy
Not used. More like accepted poor treatment and chose poorly. It does not even sound like you are exclusive. He likes what you have? Of course he does. Goodbye and good luck.
Amy
The reason I said getting used is because he is taking advantage of someone who has emotional connection for his own good.
Jippity
You have to leave after sex?
As you say, this is all on his terms. It’s not making you happy and he sounds unwilling to change.
I can see how his behaviour led to you feeling used.
Just for reference, you know what my BF of 6 months did yesterday, the day after I got my period? He came to my house, made food, made me laugh, cuddled and watched movies with me and, when my cramps got really bad, gave me a gentle tummy massage.
Then he stayed over and cuddled me all night.
He didn’t come over because it was my period, just because we hadn’t seen each other for a few days and he missed me.
I promise you, that kind of relationship is out there for you too.
You’ve just got to stop settling for less and make sure you’re single for when better comes along.We’ve all settled for crappy relationships at one point or another in our lives. It gets difficult to believe there’s better out there sometimes.
But it’s out there, and the sooner you start rejecting the bad relationships, the better a position you’re in to find a good one.
Tallspicy
He did not take advantage of you!!! You did not demand more! It is not someone else’s responsibility to treat you better. It is your responsibility to only choose men who do and show you. You let there be an emotional connection, you chose to connect to someone who showed you early who he was. Not his fault.
Sensy
Oh dear! I read just the beginning of your post Please respect yourself and end things with him.
Alice
This has already been said but I’d tell him this if it were me when HE reaches out…
“It’s good to hear from you but to be honest I’m stepping back. I think we want different things and it’s better we don’t see each other anymore. Sorry to break it off like this but it’s what needs to be done.”
This is just what I’d do though.
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