want ex back, broke up over stress and me not being there for him, help please

Hi, i’d appreciate any advice people could offer on my situation. sorry essay incoming

Been with my boyfriend for 9 months, had a really happy relationship, a few petty fights but always resolved them, i would sometimes drag them out but he was very understanding of how i needed to process things despite the fact he did find it a bit irritating as he was eager to fix things quickly.

when lockdown hit we were apart, it was hard but we managed of course and he told me the experience had made him realise he needed me in his life. he kept sending messages of how he wished we’d been locked down together at his and that he wanted me to move in with him. after about two months i began struggling with lockdown, my flat was cramped and i was out of work and his messages were making me miss him even more so the next time he mentioned how serious he was about us living together i asked him why he hadn’t come to get me then seeing as he was the only one out of us who drove so could actually make it a reality.

he of course reminded me of the logistics of the situation and mentioned how he was under quite a bit of stress from working from home and that i would need to keep out of his workspace during the day but that he was going to get me because he wanted us to be happy. he said it would probably help him to have someone physical to talk to after work and at weekends. i hadn’t quite thought he’d give me that response about coming to get me and immediately realised i was quite hesitant about moving in with him as it was still very early however i wanted him to be happy and i missed him so thought how hard could it be.

once i arrived i realised just how stressed he was, everything got to him so i stayed out of his way for the most part and gave him space. however i wasn’t the tidiest so on top of work he found himself tidying up after me and when he pointed out i was living like a slob i made excuses and told him he didn’t have to get angry about something simple. this led to a fight where he said he was taking me home the next day and we were done.

we spoke about it in the evening and i asked how long he’d wanted to break up he said he didn’t and it was wrong of him to say that in anger and i told him i was sorry and owned up to being wrong (something i don’t always do) we said we’d see how it goes and if it wasn’t working in a weeks time he’d take me home and our relationship would go back to normal.

a week later everything was fine and we both said we were happy and settled in together, then the following week i was stressed out about some work i was doing and i snapped at him and he lost it, got proper angry, the most angry he’s ever been and kept shouting i’d reverted to my old ways, when i asked him how, he started throwing all my stuff around the room and staying i hadn’t tidied up any of the stuff i said i would. this led to me having a panic and he left me storming off for a walk. (he’d been drinking a lot that evening as well)

while he was gone i cleaned up everything and tided his place, he got back and didn’t say a thing to me, when i asked if we were going to talk about what happened, he said not right now and slept on the sofa that night. the next day he came to speak to me and said he’d been annoyed i’d snapped at him as he’d just finished work and wanted to hang out with me and i brushed him aside, i tried to explain i was struggling with something thats why i snapped and then said we should talk about the proper issue of him throwing all my things across the room and he stormed off saying i was being selfish and making things about me threw his bedsheets off me and told me to pack my stuff as i was going home.

i packed everything but kept pushing him to talk as i wanted an apology for how he’d behaved and he told me i needed to leave right then. i said i had nowhere to go and he said i don’t care you can’t be here while i’m working so i left, he then messaged when he finished work to say he was sorry about how he’d behaved and that we probably should end things. i returned and we spoke some more and i said he was being quite negative about living together going on about how it was the worst time to try it which wasn’t helpful for either of us he said i had a point. before bed i asked him what he wanted and he said to draw a line under things which wasn’t quite the response i was looking for.

the next day i wanted to speak more as i was really hurt he’d left me while having a panic attack, he was extremely apologetic and then i mentioned how i felt he kept pointing out everything i was doing wrong and never noticing when i was helpful and he was like no you haven’t been helpful at all, i tried to argue and he said enough was enough. he was taking me home and we could see each other on weekends.

i went home that evening and we had a week of no contact to have some space. he then got in touch and told me he didn’t want to lose me, we both spoke about what had happened but i’m not sure i said sorry, i admitted i should’ve done more but didn’t actually apologise.

two weeks later we met up and he spent half of saturday doing diy which i was unable to help with. i’d thought we’d have the entire weekend together after what had happened and i got annoyed with him and told him i felt neglected, he of course got annoyed that we were arguing again and said it wasn’t working. the next day we spoke at length and he told me everything he was struggling with and i told him mine and he said he had nothing left to give with all the pressure he was under, i said we could adapt and suggested things to make it easier for us both. once back home i realised i was really being unfair and that he needed me to be there for him and wanting me to help out a bit more really wasn’t a lot to expect, i wanted to tell him that in person though so thought it best not to bring up our fight over the phone during his working week so didn’t mention it.

for two weeks everything was great and i kept asking if things were now easier and he always said yes and then i didn’t hear from him for a weekend and he didn’t answer any of my messages or calls, i eventually sent him one saying i didn’t deserve to be treated this way and if had something to say he should say it. the next day he rang and said it wasn’t working and that he needed to focus on other things. he said he was sorry for going silent but he had to think about what he wanted as so much had happened between us and that i’d hurt him. i was still rather angry at his silent treatment so said i’d never hurt him intentionally unlike what he did. i then said i thought space was very necessary but that i did really love him. he said he loved me too but it was getting unhealthy and then said we’d still talk. i said i didn’t want to feel i was pestering him so how much space should we leave before talking and he said lets not put a limit on it.

we haven’t spoken since. i’ve obviously had a lot of time to think ever since our last fight and i really am ashamed of how i behaved, it was so wrong and i had wanted to show him id realised that when we next met up because i knew i needed to be better and i really wanted to make things up to him but he ended things before i got that chance.

i really love him and miss him so much i’m trying to see this as good time for space etc but the truth is i never wanted this to happen, i wanted to work thins out and i feel i’ve now lost the best part of me. i had wanted to fix things and i knew it was on me to change my behaviour not him. i know he still loves me and i really want him back. i feel like i’ve mucked up so bad i might have lost him for good and i’ve realised my errors too late.

i am so ashamed of how selfish i’ve been and how i tried to blame him for it instead of admitting i was wrong and i really want him to know how sorry i am because i know us ending up here is very much largely my fault.

how do i let him know all of this without begging or making it seem like i’ve only realised this because he dumped me instead of having been aware of it for weeks.

please help, don’t know what to do for the best