Want to date him but can't

I’m curious, You’ve been dating or trying to date for a while now… How has your study schedule just now become an issue?

We have been dating for a while. We have known each other for a long time, right since 2012. We were friends then, he liked me even then. We had been meeting on weekends recently. Many times i would cancel plans or not make any because of studies. But he keeps asking to be exclusive and go on trips together and complaining i don’t have time for him. I know if i become exclusive with him he would want more of my time than i can give.
I am preparing for a very competitive exam for which 10 hours of studying is required of me each day without fail. On the days i meet him i feel so nice that i lose all focus on studies. And start feeling like meeting him more often but i don’t have the time to get distracted from my studies.
He is rushing things a bit. I am not able to match his pace. Maybe we need to talk about it. What i want is the following:

1. I want to continue dating him on weekends. Can’t meet more than that.
2. Cannot go on trips till my exam because that will shift my focus from studies.

But the fact that he is rushing things makes me feel like i am being love bombed. I was love bombed in my last relationship too and it ended badly. Maybe i am a bit too scared of getting into a relationship again.

That explains why you think you should and actually can study 10 hours a day for year “without fail.” That’s not realistic or sustainable. Find a way to study smarter before you burn yourself out and ruin your health.

This isn’t the right guy or the right time for you to be dating. He’s pushing you too hard to do what he wants and he’s not respecting you. Threatening to fade away if you don’t agree to be exclusive is emotional blackmail. I guarantee he’ll step up the demands if you cave in now. Put up a firm boundary. You don’t need upset like this. Unless you want to sabotage yourself and have someone else to blame for failing the exams?

If you’re serious about passing these exams then just stop dating for a while. If passing these exams is so worth it, then back it up with actions to ensure you don’t have any distractions. Dating is a distraction. Find some group activities to do rather than dating. And resolve to deal with your underlying issues at some point, if now isn’t the time. We’ve watched you do this over and over. Only you can decide to get off the merry-go-round and find an easier, more pleasurable ride.

I’m pretty sure I know which exams you’re talking about, and the study expectations are actually legit. I had a friend do it, who passed them all, but she stopped dating and spent very little time with us friends during that period. She was very upfront about it, that she’d be busy for a while and could only get out for an hour or two here and there, and of course as her friends we were fine with it and everything went back to normal after.

I think your underlying problem here and in your other posts is your discomfort in expressing your boundaries and then feeling confident sticking to them and defending yourself in a healthy way. In this case, you’re also judging the guy based on a totally different person who hurt you in the past which is a bad habit to get into that also leads to self-sabotage. However, you’ve said in multiple posts that you already know you have a bunch of issues unrelated to studying or even to this guy himself that keeps you scared and distrustful. Being scared and distrustful in itself creates a pattern of feeling attracted to and attracting the same type of people over and over, so he might turn out to be the same type of guy. So while I can’t tell if the guy is pushing you hard or you’re perceiving it that way because of your fears but he’s not actually doing anything, and either or both may be true (your feelings are always valid!), as Angie and I both already said, the best you can do is state and stick to your boundaries and bail on him if he can’t respect them. Bigger picture, if you actually want a stable and healthy romantic relationship, you’ll need to take the time to deal with your issues before you can get out of the scared, push-pull pattern you’ve been dealing with on repeat. This is time consuming healing stuff, that is VERY much worth it, but usually is much easier with a professional and which you’re not going to have the necessary focus for while studying for these exams. So if this guy proves too pushy and you end it with him, afterwards do either take a dating break or only do casual dates with people until your exams are over. Then after you pass your studies, if you seriously want a healthy relationship, you’ll need to really address the underlying struggles within yourself or you’ll stay in confused pain around dating and relationships and these questions you ask in your post will keep coming up.

Good luck with your tests!

This sounds like a good plan.

I will add that if he’s $h*t testing you like you describe at the end there (“He just said that to see if it would affect me and he meant anything to me.”), that’s a huge red flag sign of insecurity. So if it turns out he can’t respect your boundaries around studying for important tests AND he is trying to give you tests of his own, you can feel confident that this isn’t a good guy for you to date. $h*t testing is an automatic dealbreaker for me personally.

Agree with raven. I think you shld take a step back and hv a rethink. This thing hasn’t even startd and your already posting here seeking suggstions on best way forward. Its already affecting your thought process and what u shld be doing. When you shld be thinking abt ur studies and how to optimise your preparation for exMs which will shape your future, you are tryin to figure about this relationship.

You shld avoid any kind of entanglement with this guy at this point in your life. Let this go and focus on ur studies.

Well, yes…
If your studies are as dire as you portray, You don’t have time for anything else…

I don’t think the advice is to suit the OP at all. It was either to clearly state her boundaries and schedule and if he’s not happy with it and keeps pushing, then cut it off because they aren’t compatible and don’t want the same thing right now. And that we’re not sure if he’s actually pushing or she’s just interpreting it that way based on other times she’s posted on this forum that have described other issues she has, but if he really is playing games, then it’s also not a good match and she should take a dating break or be casual with someone else until her exams are over so she isn’t stringing anyone along. I still think after her exams she should buckle down on working through her other issues with a professional so she can have a more fulfilling and stable and less ambivalent and scary dating experience. No one is saying tell this guy to just wait around, instead, be honest about what she can offer him and stick with her schedule and see where it goes from there. If he knows that doesn’t match what he wants, then he moves on, but she should directly and honestly communicate first. There’s no reason for it to be a power struggle though… if he says that’s not what he wants but pushes her for more instead of saying thanks but no thanks and moving on, then she ends the situation because it’s not working for either of them.

Maybe I misread some of these posts. I’m glad that mostly everyone has told the OP to stay away from this guy and focus on their studies.

My viewpoint came from the comments stating that the guy did not appear to be respecting the OP’s study boundaries, is accused of playing games by stating his own boundaries and was pushing for more time together. That’s literally what guys who want relationships do according to most of the people on this forum. And then the OP says they think the guy is love bombing. That’s nuts especially since they’ve known each other since 2012. It’s been 10 years!

Tammy- I was surprised at my own reaction to the posts. But don’t you think it is extremely unfair to even consider asking a guy to agree to her arrangements? Maybe that’s where I’m really confused on this. That shouldn’t even be an option.

I am not sure how is the op being unfair? She likes the guy but she realises she needs to focus on her studies if she wants to clear those exams. She cld hv simply told the guy no and that was that. Its bec she likes him and wants him in her life that shes trying to see if something is possible btween them. Her main focus has to be her exams which will help shape her future. Can anythng be more imp than that for her at this point in life?
Infct i admire the op who seems to have realised that probably trying to fit hom in inbetween her studies may probably not work.. if she was being unfair she wldnt hv given him and a possible arrangement with him a second thought.

The guy knows the score since the op has been open with him or planning to be open with him. If this is not what he is happy with, then he needs to make a call and walk away. The op infct has been quite clear n fair to him.

Gud call!!!