Want to stay single but friends are pressuring me to put myself out there.

Is it ok to stay single knowing you aren’t in a good place in your life and stay focused on your mental health and improving yourself?

I had a rough abusive childhood nobody showed me how to love, what love is, or a good relationship. I had disney movies and romantic comedies. I know life isn’t like that at all. I’ve read plenty of self help books pretty much my whole life and have put what I retained into practice. To me, it still doesn’t seem like it’s enough.

It took me a long time to figure what I want in a partner, what love is to me, and what I bring to the table. I don’t think I have much to offer. So I’m not looking.

It seems these days everyone is in such a rush to be in a relationship. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships both I was engaged to but never married. I ran away from the first one and the 2nd one it became complacent after he caught me. I popped out 2 kids and then the thrill was gone. Plus I had a ton of deep seeded issues that leaked out in the relationship and both of us agreed we aren’t the right fit for each other. We still get along though which is good.

I’ve been single for 6 years and I gave online dating a try.

Online dating made me realize that I’m not quite ready to be in another commitment and after seeing what’s out there and where I was at mentally, I’m totally emotionally unavailable and the guys who were interested only wanted a fling, weren’t a good match, or got bored with me.

I don’t feel attractive enough or confident enough in myself for any man. I get compliments all the time. I get checked out frequently when I’m not dressed like a slob.
I’m just not feeling it inside of me and outside validation never sits right.

While i was online, I met a guy who happened to be talking to my best friend also. For awhile I didn’t realize it. I really liked him. He made me feel so special. So beautiful like i was set apart from all other women. He was so open about it and romantic. It scared me. I had never experienced anything like he was doing and though it felt amazing, I loved every minute of it, I had no idea how to take it or reciprocate it. It also felt like something was off. Then I found out about the bestie. All my insecurities came out and it turned him off.

So he decided to choose my best friend and it bruised my ego really bad. I was happy for her. She is quite the catch. I guess running away from him bruised his ego because he spent the next 3 years showing her off and rubbing it in my face he chose her over me. He still does it and it’s filled me with tons of resentment. Apparently, that’s entertaining to him. I keep my distance. I really don’t follow either of them on social media. He still pops up every now and then to talk about how amazing his relationship is with her and how glad he is it never worked out with me. My best friend and I don’t talk anymore.

I’m sure in some strange serendipitous moment at the right time and the right guy came along initiating it, I could be fun, flirty, and charming. I’m not there yet. Especially with that whole triangle debacle that took a huge blow to my self esteem.

What I want to know is, why is it so bad I have no interest in meeting anyone so I can focus on fixing my life and mental health? I never want to be the cause of a toxic relationship or be in another toxic relationship again! Is it wrong to say no?