Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise

I think something is going on with him but it’s not you, probably work, maybe he made a mistake or didn’t deliver what he was expected to, or he’s exhausted of the travelling he has to do, which would be understandable.
You are very mature, I knew you weren’t 22 before you mentioned your age. I’m 38. The only thing that bothered me in your story is the fact that he made you feel bad about something you were feeling. That is not ok. You own your feelings and he has to listen to them. There’s nothing to argue about one’s feelings. He got reactive probably because you kind of pinpointed his behavior (you were hot and cold) instead of using an “I” sentence (“I feel you close most of the time but sometimes I feel a distance between us…” something like that). If his behavior has changed, you saw it but the importance is how it makes you feel, that’s what need to be discussed. If it’s work related, he must say it to you (might take some efforts because men don’t easily open up emotionally) so that you can manage to support him the way he deserves to be, he has to be reassured that you’re strong enough and willing to support him, that he can trust you and open up to you, and you need to know it’s not about you and that you did nothing wrong. This way, if one day he’s more withdrawn, you’ll know why, you won’t feel the way you do right now, it won’t mean things are getting bad between you two and he will be more at ease to tell you what he needs/where he wants you to be. But right now, his behavior is passive-aggressive and it’s unacceptable. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. If he has something, then he must talk to you about it, that’s being in an honest and true relationship. Don’t accept to be treated badly, like he did that night. Yes, you are there for him, you’re willing to do a lot in order to support him, but he needs to respect you more than he did, and you need to make him understand that you have limits, you have self-esteem and self-confident and you deserve to be treated with a minimum of respect. If he reacts badly when you calmly explain this to him, than it’s a major red flag that this guy might be a narcissist! Be careful. That’s exactly what narcissistic people do; convince you that what you feel is wrong, that you are wrong for feeling this way. No one has that power of telling you what you feel is wrong or incorrect. If he does that, run girl! He will undeniably mentally destroy you. They play with your mind, you then value his opinion over yours, that messes up your judgment and you end up doubting of everything that comes from you.
Been there, and I assure you don’t want to go there. Its trauma for life.

Thanks again everyone for your insight into this situation, all your opinions are helping in the way I handle this, both looking after myself and also him.

Lane – I think maybe you missed one of my posts earlier, where I actually tell him to go away for weekends to his family by himself, after he asks that I come along, I plan something so I can tell him I am busy. I have never and never will stop him from doing things by himself and being with his mates, as I would expect the same in return from him. When I don’t see him sometimes for weeks at a time though, it is natural that I would be wanting to spend the few days with him when he is home, up an until now, that is exactly what was wanting as well. Perhaps I do want too much affection, this is something I will work on.

Annie – I tend to agree with all your comments and I thank you for this. If he is dealing with something and yet unable to communicate that to me, then there is simply nothing more I can do.

He is still in contact, I didn’t message him at all again yesterday and then late last night he messaged asking how my day was. I responded politely but didn’t go into too much detail, cutting off his messaging by saying he should get some sleep.

If he doesn’t plan to see me this weekend at all, I will plan to arrange a time to collect my things from his place. Then I will continue to give him all the space that he needs, however my main focus going forward is going to be me.

Thanks Newbie, I think may I miss read Lanes response actually.

this has really hit a cord with me:

You really need to stop this obsession that if he’s not spending some time with you the relationships falling apart! This thinking will eventually kill the relationship, not him engaging in activities that also gives him pleasure, which includes “me time” (time alone) as we all need it from time-to-time! If my BF ever asked for space I would say “No problem, enjoy some me time babe!” because then I get some ME TIME TOO—its a win, win! :o)

I do often think that if he isn’t wanting to spend time with me, or that he is wanting to do other things without me, he is losing interest in me. I have to stop thinking like that, I have to encourage it. I have so many wonderful friends as well, so I have plenty of things to keep my busy as well.

My last relationship, my ex did everything without me, everything, this included holidays and going to parties etc (I just allowed it to happen). The relationship was very toxic as he was extremely selfish (I eventually seen all of this after we separated, even though people were telling me constantly). So when I see my new partner starting to want to do things without me, my fears creep in. It suck that you can be so badly damaged from a previous relationship, that it affects a your new relationship.

I just read up on the rubber band theory.

Makes complete sense! Wished I knew about this earlier.

Does this mean you two wouldn’t have seen each other for a month?
I’m not sure about rubber banding – that usually diesnt happen over weeks and months – it’s just a matter of days .
Not sure what the deal is but for me it would be tooo much space. Everyone is different but I see my boyfriend 3-4 days/ nights a week. When he’s away on business even 5 days seem too much.
I’m the kind of person who wants a close relationship. .
Can you handle not seing your boyfiend for so long? daily messages can be bread crumbing – doesn’t mean much.
At least you’ll have time to assess what you want and maybe meet other people too?
At least the 1st year should feel like a honeymoon. I’d want to feel happy with my guy – not miserable and lonely

Bottom line is this: when you want to be wih someone and like being around someone, you won’t wait for weeks and months to see them.
You might if they’re only friends. If they’re bf/gf even 1 week is sooo long to be without someone you want to be with and touch…
When 2 people want to be together – it happens. when they don’t – the girl gets confused and the illness prolonged.
These days there are so many little boys out there without the balls to honestly tell someone they’re not in your them or to tell them what they think…stringing women along and making them miserable if they get he chance.

Thanks for that Newbie,

He obviously didn’t plan to be at work for the next two weeks, which includes the two weekends. He works remote, which is a 3 hour plane ride, so it’s not like he can come home when he wants to see me during this time. I think he regrets not seeing me the weekend just gone, because he thought he would be home this weekend and I would say he was planning on seeing me then. Its all part of the mining fly in fly out lifestyle, allot of women are in these relationships where I live (id say one in every 4). So texting while he is at work, isn’t bread crumbing, it’s his only source of communication. When he is at work, he generally tries to ring me a few times when he is in good signal.

My gut tells me he feels really bad and perhaps is now worried that being at work for the next two weeks and not seeing me for that week prior, is going to have an impact on how things are going in our relationship. I would say he was stressing a little on telling me this as well.

I do need some of my things that are at his place, so I will just ask him if it is okay I go and collect what I need while he isn’t home. I don’t plan on taking all my things, I believe this could potentially upset him and I don’t plan on ending this relationship. No need to leave me key at his place just yet.

His actions over the next two weeks and how he remains in contact will be interesting.

Thanks Lane,

I totally understand what your saying, I feel I have been very supportive of his situation with his work and many balls to juggle. However, this is the reason why I like to spend time with him when he is home (isn’t this how you grow your relationship), as I might not see him again for another 3 weeks! So I have to be supportive of him, however he also needs to be supportive of me as well and not get all moody and irritated about the fact I like to spend majority of my time with him. In reality, I am only spending 2 days/3 nights with him out of 7 days and then might not see him, like in this situation, for 3 weeks. He should also feel the same, but perhaps like you said, he just got a bit overwhelmed with it all, so after 7 months of constant juggling, it just all came crashing down for him and needed that week break of just him time. Especially when I can get a little emotional and insecure (I am so very aware of this now, trust me!!)

I hope that he spends these next few weeks away at work, reassessing and a having good long think about what it is he actually wants. If a relationship is simply too hard and he can’t manage it, he needs to let me know now!! Not prolong it.

Thanks heaps Lane, I really do appreciate your honesty with what you wright. I think you bring me down to the ground again. Your are right, even though I work full time, I work in an office by myself and also live by myself, but I do spend my weekends being active and busy, but I have allot of time to think and also overthink.

He does make me happy, he truly does, as when we do spend time together, he is so very sweet and makes me feel loved, he tells me he loves me, however I always find that it is more true in their actions (he is a doer in terms of doing loving things, makes me breakfast, dinner and taking my places). I think my confusion, and the whole reason for my original post, was that he was super close and he seemed to love that closeness we had prior to that Easter Weekend. He would tell me he missed me and wanted me to spend all my time with him when he was home, he always asked me if I missed him and I had to reassure him I did. When I’d go to work on the Friday, sometimes I would stay back and have work drinks before heading to his place, when I turn up he would say “where have you been, I’ve been waiting all day for you” he would say it jokingly of course.

When we first met, he was on a much better roster, being 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off, this changed about 2 months in and then it went to 4 days on and 3 days off, he was so worried and concerned I would want to end the things with him because of this horrible roster, he actually said “please don’t leave me because of this”. I am okay with the fact he works away, this isn’t the problem here.

Thanks Ali,

The fact he works away is not the issue here at all, I am completely fine with that and I do keep myself very busy on the weekend etc (I live in a remote town, so not much to do outside of work on the week days, but I am into fitness, so spend allot of time after work on that). I got into this relationship knowing he was a FIFO worker (fly in fly out worker). Maybe out of interest sake google Australian FIFO girlfriend, there are a whole heap of pages that relate to this, as it is the number one means of divorce and sadly, in the really bad situations, suicide. I totally get I have to be 100% supporting of this and have never doubted that. He never gets needy messages or negative responses from me when he is away, all he gets are fun and happy texts, but I do let him know I miss him when he does the long stints, which I know he appreciates. I always have little treats for him when he gets home (that includes allot extra treats for him as well, if you know what I mean). He is NOT coming home to a sullen sooky girlfriend let me assure you on that.

I now think that however my insecurities have had allot to do with this situation. I understand that now. Yes, I have become a bit needy in the affection and attention part as well, I understand that now as well. But when someone give you that all of the time and then stops suddenly, it doesn’t have an impact on you. I know that he can’t be like that 24/7 I understand that, but there is no need to become cold and harsh towards me either.

I should mention, my sister seems to think that maybe he is trying to make me break up with him, so that he doesn’t look like the bad guy in all this.

Although I don’t know, he was in normal regular contact with me right up until that Friday afternoon when he got all that terrible news, he messaged me straight away telling me everything that had happened, then he became distant the past two days after that. I wouldn’t think someone trying to get someone to break up with them, would be regular contact and telling them how much they miss them only a few days ago.

Not being the ‘bad guy’ = being a pu**y…
Is this really the kind of guy you want?