Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise

At least ur totally honest but still very kind. Guys, why are u so d*** with nice ladies!!

Anyway, all the best for u! It is tough but remember there are ladies in here supporting you! Keep us updated still! Hugs

I think its great!

You were so grown up and kind about it! Maybe this will be the jolt he needs to see he needs to make more of an effort– perhaps not. either way you did it so maturely and you should be proud of that, as I’m sure you are feeling quite emotional. He could learn something from your communication skills.

Wishing you the best, and yes please keep us posted.

So ask him… IN PERSON-
“What do you expect when I get to your place you basically say “Why are you back here?”

Thanks Ali, yes, I actually don’t want to respond to that message as yet (I almost needed to put a jumper on reading it, because even his response was cold).

I think perhaps the best thing to do is let him sit on it like you said, wait till he contacts me when he is home and had plenty of sleep.

Raven – that will be the first thing that I will remind him of, especially if he doesn’t understand how he was being so hot and cold towards me. He can’t let me take all of the blame for this.

Katherine, the two of you have different needs when it comes to space. I understand it because I NEED a lot of space, especially when I’ve had a grueling week and all I want to do is go hide away from the world for awhile. This is why I cannot do a full-on relationship at this time because I would start neglecting my partner’s needs, not because I don’t love them but I simply can’t give them more than what I have to give at certain points in time and that’s the crux of it.

You admitted you need A LOT of time and affection from a man and he’s telling and showing you that he doesn’t require as much, so there’s no ‘meeting of the minds’ in this regard and that’s the root cause of this issue. Your both dancing around the subject but not talking about it in a way that allows for open dialogue and understanding. To be honest if my BF told me “I was being cold” it would sting and would take a few steps back and seriously consider if he’s someone I want to continue with. Not everyone’s rainbows and sunshine all the time and there are those who have a higher level of responsibilities (work load) that can overwhelm us at times and difficult to get it out of our head—we’re constantly ruminating about its very hard to shut off.

I don’t know if the two of you can come to a resolution without one having to GIVE UP something that’s important to them, such the amount of time you spend together as that’s how resentment starts to seep in and a relationship falls apart.

All you can do is wait until he returns and have an honest ‘heart to heart’ talk about what you both NEED and see if the two of you can come to a resolution without one feeling like they have to lose something that’s important to them (like affection or me time) just to appease the other—that’s the nut and bolt of it as I see it.

Sorry if there was a curtness to my response, but there was just a layer of assumptions of his motivations thrown into the texts instead of just directly addressing the issue, short and sweet. Now there is an awkwardness to him having to clarify and justify his motivations.

All it really boils down to is “I am hurt and confused that there is a lack of communication/distance between us… What’s going on?”

First off, stop taking advice from Lane. Her advice to you has been terrible.
Second, why are you apologizing to this man for not responding in a day to his text when he didn’t apologize after not keeping in touch with you for A WEEK. You sound so subservient and docile. Where is your pride. This man has been rude and cold to you yet you are the one who is constantly apologizing. Get your pride and confidence back, get your clothes and stuff back from his apartment and text him asking him where you should return his key. He’s not treating you well and taking advantage of your kindness and niceness and probably sees it’s as a weakness and naïveté to be exploited and taken advantage of instead of one to be appreciated.
Why are you giving him so much control over you and the relationship instead of telling him what your needs and wants are and asking him if he can man up to the task. You have basically let him control the terms of this relationship. You still haven’t fully recovered from your last relationship so you are still so happy to take crumbs in this new relationship. Get into therapy to help resolve some of these insecurities instead of posting on the web asking advice from random strangers.
And if he is sooo upset that you told him he was being cold to you which is a fact then can you imagine how he will behave in the future if you point out something else he has done that has hurt your feelings. And you think you are the sensitive one. If you don’t resolve this issue to your satisfaction (because in this case you are in the right) you will be walking on eggshells for the entirety of this relationship. Also why aren’t you guys skyping/video conferencing instead of all this texting.
What exactly are you even looking for in this relationship and have you let him know. Do you even know if you are on the same page.

I haven’t responded to his message, he did say at the very end he would contact me, so I have left it at that.

When he mentioned in his message he was cut up about me calling him out being cold towards me, I was initially feeling sorry for him. But after some thought into it, and this happening 5 weeks ago, he should of said something if he was still feeling like that. As much as I try and convince myself it was all in my head, it wasn’t, he was a different person those two days around me and he needs to know that, regardless if he didn’t realise he was being cold, he was, end of story. I will also need for him to explain after I asked him not to shut me out, that he chose to do that for a whole week, why?

The relationship can’t continue the way it is going, so I am hoping that when we do catch up, we both are able to get everything out and lay it all on the table. Because of his currently situation with having to stay at work for the 4 weeks after all this happened, hasn’t helped at all, as so much time has passed as well with both of us feeling like crap. I don’t want to break up with him, but he needs to understand my needs going forward and I also need understand his needs. But my only biggest need from him at this point, is communication…..he needs to understand that any relationship needs good communication, otherwise we will be in the same situation we are now. If he does something that has an impact on me, I need to be able to him and vice versa.

I am hoping that this is a bump in the road and all part of learning about each others wants and needs in a relationship and being able to accept and accommodate it. Apart from those two days over Easter, our relationship really has been so much fun and we have allot of affection towards each other up to that point, which is the whole reason I had to call him out behaving differently towards me over those two days.

I will also be telling him how much his affection has an affect on me, the fact he comes up and gives me a random hug or a kiss, it makes my heart fill up, that is all it takes for him to make me fall in love with him all over again. I don’t expect it 24/7, but when he does it, insert love heart eye emoji.

That’s the next best move…wait until your together to discuss it and decide if it’s worth salvaging or not.

I do not agree with him shutting you out BUT I’m also trying to add a different perspective that many don’t have based on my own personal experience of being overwhelmed with work. My BF is a saint in that regard but the difference is he’s personally experienced it and knows what my days looks like so he’s far more understanding v. someone who didn’t.

Maybe if you shadowed him for week you may understand why he was ‘cold’ as I can be that way at times but it has nothing to do with a person it’s just that I’m tapped—exhausted mentally and physically and have nothing left. Please know I’m not making excuses for him, only basing it on a what you’ve mentioned about his job difficulties (understaffed; working longer days; with a lot of traveling and high divorces/suicidal rates)…just providing a perspective that others who aren’t in a high level stresssful job situation like he is may not understand….it’s a whole different pair of shoes one would need one to walk in to truly understand it.

Let us know how it goes!

Ali, I agree and would never do that to my BF but I would have responded wih “because you asked me too!” then shown him the text where I would expect an apology. I get so overwhelmed at times to the point one of my employees (manager) has to constantly remind me of it because I forget—I call her my right brain lol

I used to be excellent at remembering everything but my brain is overloaded wih so many tasks, customers, questions, vendors, orders (list is long) that its hard to keep up! I’ve been joking with my employees this week that I’ll probably forget to pick my BF up from the airport on Friday—I won’t but i will be reminded to do it haha

BTW my BF reminds me of things I tell him all the time! I had mmtioned i needed to get to new wipers for my truck and a couple other things…still hadn’t gotten around to it! When he got here he not only went out and bought them but replaced them for me! I call him my Alexa 😁

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Katherine, I really do feel for you and would be really bummed out if I was experiencing the same thing with my BF. I totally understand how these SHIFTS can totally disrupt the flow and dynamic of a relationship to the point your going WTH happened!?!

Its possible you may have been doing too much too soon? Men can get really weird when a relationship starts getting too serious before they’ve emotionally gotten there. The first time you did this he was thinking “wow, that was really nice of her.” Probably felt the same the third or fourth but by the 7th or 8th he may have been thinking “holy crap, is she wanting to move in?” I totally get you were being a super great GF but he may have been thinking you were acting more like a wife or wife to be? Or it could have been work related and couldn’t get out of his own head?

All I know is that until you TALK to him and find out what was really going on with him around Easter when you noticed a big shift in his behavior your not going to get the answer you seek—only he knows it.