Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise

First of all, you sound like a very generous and kind person! BUT I would tend to agree this is too much– there is definitely such a thing as over giving (been there and learned the hard way). What tends to happen is it inspires the person to take you for granted– they see you as trying to “earn” their love through giving– I actually have a friend like this and she was coming on way too strong early in our friendship and giving and giving and cooking me three course dinners and insisting on treating me to things, and just being very over the top and it honestly scared me off a bit. I see her doing this with man after man and none of them end up committing to her– I think because she comes across- at least in her case, as having low self esteem and then trying to “buy” people by doing them favors and spoiling them. Just my take. If you guys move forward I would pull way back on the favors– in a relationship things really need to be balanced, you can’t have one person giving and giving and other taking. I know he didn’t ask you to do these things, and it could also be making him feel indebted to you and confused.

This can be hard to get your head around when you are in love and want to give! I undertstand that and fell into that trap with an ex, but over time he just didn’t seem to appreciate me at all, and I also realized I was overgiving do to insecurity/trying to prove my value in his life. I took a very different approach with my current partner and things are much more equitable — of course we do nice things for each other but I’m very sensitive to the balance and hold myself back if I think I’m getting too overly giving. I know it may seem like how could there be such a thing as too giving, but there really is.

Katherine,
In regards to all the nice things you do.. you sound wonderful! You said “Perhaps it is too much, but this is just my personality to be completely honest with you, so that would mean I would have to change the way I am.” …I don’t think that is necessarily the case, but i would not be so giving until he is full on earned it (i.e. proven over extended time that he is a trustworthy, valuable partner).

I have been with my bf for about 9 months..he’s wonderful and does lots for me, but I have noticed he doesn’t really like if I do too much for him. For example, just the other week he was lamenting that he had to clean his apartment. I spend 2-3 nights a week there and for some odd reason I love to clean lol so i told him I wanted to help him over the weekend. He told me that while he appreciated that, he would really not enjoy having his GF help him clean his apartment. Felt way too motherly for him and made him feel weird.

Another idea is to keep your giving more romantically focused than mother/maid focused. Giving him a long really nice massage after a stressful week, for example.

He’s a man – if he wants to see you he’ll ask.
So he back yet still hadn’t seen you? if he was into you, you’d be the first stop. Hed tell.you.how much he missed you and wants to see you.
My question is after all these weeks, why are you still wasting time talking about the weather?

Kent – yes, he will be back now for the next three days. He then heads back to work again after that.

I have plans however for the Saturday arvo/night and Sunday morning with family. He doesn’t know this tho, because of the lack of communication from him this past week, I haven’t had a chance to tell him.

Gosh, you must be incredibly annoyed at this point. Maybe I missed it but how old is this guy? He’s behaving immaturely in my opinion and treating you more like someone he dated briefly…rather than a girlfriend or someone he really cares about. You were quite clear in your previous text that his behavior has been upsetting and that you would like some clarity. He seems to be fading out, rather than addressing the situation head on. Others may have other ideas, but I’m not so sure I would even say anything else at this point. I’d be angry and trying to distance myself mentally/emotionally. I’m glad you have plans with family.

Katherine,

Please don’t waste your time on this guy. Why would you wanna see someone who does not want to see you?

For whatever reason he seems to have checked out even before his dramatic events.

I understand he was working for 4 weeks. He’s not working now. Look at your reality – why are you not with him? Because he does not want that. It’s not space (he had enough).

I think he might turn around but only once you start dating others, continuing to mess with your feelings and your life. Please don’t allow that. He’s a grown man. He’s not a child. Women put up with too much from guys.
I’m sure you’ll find someone who wants you as much as you want them. Love needs to be both ways :)

Dear Katherine,

different country (Slovenia) but same problems with men (always, lol). OK, I’ve been thorugh it myself last year so I hope my answer gives you some perspective.

First, men are totally weird creatures. Still, we can’t live without them, can we? (errr, yes we can – but you find it out later in life, when hormones withdraw and you reach menopause).

I’ve been with this great sex-instant connections- feeling like we always have known each other – possible soulmate yada yada for 6 months when he first withdrew, it happened again in our 8. month of relationship, when he suddenly withdrew and went cold just when we were together for 9 month sort-of-anniversary.

My story is very alike to you and I was also haevily invested into this R.

And my world crashed down and collapsed after I reached self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘he is for surely going to break up with me’.

What helped me? Reading Anewmode for sure, the webpage I found exactly 1 year ago when I myself was serching for questions.

It’s been a long process since then but I finally realized and now I am going to SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE & WISDOM (absolutely hard earned lol) with you:

– your guy is immature and doesn’t handle stresses of intimate relationship (my ex was the same, though 30 years old, not 39 as yours)
– he is childish and R obviously has to be on his terms
– men are natural born hunters: they only apprciate their woman and prey if they can’t get it – so next time around make him EARN HIS PRIZE
– you are too needy nad it would be vital for you to go to psychotherapy as I did. Steeming from your abandonment issues/early childhood traumas/conditional love of one or both parents come your INSECURITY ISSUES and hence you cling on to your partner much too heavily – his natural response is to pull away and retreats to his man cave
– you NEED to learn to be more SELF-SUUFICIENT
– as hard as it is, you need to FOCUS ON YOURSELF
– deattach yourself emotionally too

I was literally addicted to my ex and he was aware of it so he played his mind games too and was inconsistent (saying no, meaning yes and opposite), going from hot to cold in instant, bothering me with his messages even when he said we are ‘on a pause’ etc. – I still think he was gaslightning me a bit and he did this on purpose as he displays some of the charachteristics of a NARC person (welcome to a narcissist’s hell lol).
– it takes two to tango however so I was to blame too in the process
– when love is meant to be, it isn’t a hard work – it comes NATURALLY. Everything else is either misuse/abuse or a misunderstanding situation. R require some hard work to keep up later, but not after just 7 months or 9 months or 1 year… especially if there is a strong physical chemistry

So STOP working so hard for this R – I just have this gut feeling from what you shared with the readers, that this one isn’t meant to be.

Wishing you best of luck with the right partner or on your own.

Thanks Joe for the compliment. I try, haha.
You could very well be right. Looking forward to hearing more from Katherine on how this all turns out.

Alia, I’ve not given him all the power, I’ve just tried to considerate and understanding of his situation. However, he has definitely taken that for granted.

I have not heard a single word from him since those stupid messages on Thursday afternoon and it’s now Sunday.

So yes, now I’m angry.

And yes, obviously we are “broken up” yet he still hasn’t got the decency to say it. So I’ve realised it and started the process of dealing with it.

I’ve messaged him this morning advising that I’ll be collecting my things from his place during the week when he Is back at work. He has not responded.

There is absolutely nothing more I can and willing to do.

Newbie – I’m not sure if it’s a pattern, his longest relationship was three years, which ended 5 years ago tho. I don’t think he has had anything too much longer after that. I know he was seeing a girl at the end of 2016 but I don’t think it was a long relationship, but she ended it.

He ended up replying 5 hours later, asked about my weekend etc, he isn’t going back to work as it looks like he has been given some days off, so he said he is heading to his home town to see his family for a few days. He leave the rest of my things out to pick up.

So I replied with the below ……..that was 6 hours ago now and he didn’t reply back :(

Thanks for that.

Yeah was a good weekend and night, suffering a bit today tho from it, so perfect weather to laze around today.

Shame we didn’t get a chance to catch up, was actually looking forward to seeing you and obviously have a chat about things. I understand you were hurt by me telling you were a bit hot and cold towards me those two days, but I think you have misunderstood where I was coming from, if we could of talked it over, I think you would of understood better.

I am very unsure and confused as to where I fit in your life at the moment. I know you have a hell of allot going on right now. So I am just wondering if we just put what we have on hold.

I miss you a great deal and you know that I care allot about you. But I can’t be in relationship with someone that isn’t all that invested anymore and doesn’t want to see me.

Katherine. You are a very considerate an nice person, but maybe this is a good time to show this consideration and kindness to yourself first. This guy has been very inconsiderate and rude to you and has shown you a great deal of disrespect. Your reactions are not in line with that disrespect. I hope you can see that.
I’m a recovering codependent and I can tell you that once you establish boundaries for what you really want for yourself you will not be in this miserable situation again.
You should never talk to this guy ever and stop sending him compassionate novels. He doesn’t deserve your kindness.

Thanks to everyone again that contributed to my situation, this forum really is a god send for anyone needing different opinions and advice.

He never responded to that last text of mine. I guess I was hoping that he would at least acknowledge what has happened and just say it was over. But he obviously isn’t going to do that, so I have to know let it go and move on. It is sad, because this wasn’t the person I first met and if this is actually who he is….then he put on a very good performance this past 7 months!

Is it strange that I do get comfort in the fact that he will regret losing me? this deep down in my gut I am sure of.

At least I know that it was nothing I actually did to cause this, it’s his own issues.

Thanks again everyone : )