Wants space, but remains in contact. Need advise

Maybe you are all correct :(

I am hanging onto something that is no longer there.

Katherine you gave him already plenty of time and space. But you are intent on spending your time on a man who does not want you. If he did, he would contact you and see you. He’s asked you to call him when he’s back – can’t get a lower investment than that.
Why don’t you go on a few dates with other people? See the difference of a guy who actually wants a relationship wih you. .I’m not buying what he’s saying. You calling him out on his bs and him checking out is stupid. It means you can never tell him if he does somehing wrong. It’s all on his terms.
You forgot you are the prize …besides when you asked him he didn’t say he wants you back or that he wants a relationship with you. He told you he checked out. For many people ito would be very hard to check back in if they checked out. I think he’s looking for someone else and he’ll take whatever you give him until he finds what he wants. It’s just a shame to see you waste so much of your time on this man child

Ok, good, Katherine. This is an excellent first step.

You’re clearly a good person. Take some time and deepen your connection to yourself. If you truly see yourself it will be almost impossible for you to take crumbs from men who just can’t give you (or anyone) what you need.

Damaged makes great movies, but exhausting lives! Aim for stable and fun. Take care of yourself and just don’t even reach out. Don’t give this any more drama or life. Save your energy for you!

Oh Katherine I’m so sorry! We’ve probably really depressed you. But sometimes it’s so easy to drive for what you want so much, you forget to listen to what the person is telling you. Or what their actions are showing you.

You want to see the positives. But my ex came round yesterday. Gave me a big kiss and a cuddle, we chatted like old times and he asked to see me socially soon. This wasn’t us getting back together, it was us being cordial.

I know you don’t want to give up. You want to know for sure you’ve done everything you can. He asked you to text him so I would. I would tell him you can’t hang around forever and you need to know if he wants to seriously try again with you. Sometimes you need to know for sure before you can move on.

Kiss not kids lol

TAke things slowly? The man ignored you for a couple weeks! And now he is away again for two more weeks and won’t talk to you until he gets back? That is total BS. I’m sorry but here is what I see.

You told him how much you love him and have feelings for him. He told you he has lost feelings for you. This is so unbalanced and not in your favor. I agree with others that he should be the one contacting you when he gets back. But he’s using this imbalance to his advantage and making you do the work. Just like he told you to come over his house. Doesn’t he ever come to see you? Why are you responsible for making sure you aren’t hurting his feelings, why did he not ever reach out to you. If you hadn’t used the EXCUSE to text him about your things, do you think he would have been in touch? Of course not. He is leaving again for two weeks.

This is such a bogus excuse on his end. And I agree with someone who asked the question: Was he cold to the ex? Because if you saying he was cold hit a nerve than I would not be surprised if this isn’t a pattern for him.

You are so tip toeing around this it isn’t funny. You are way too understanding and he is using this to his advantage. He’s the one who treated you like crap yet you are the one trying to make him happy, feel safe, feel loved and are going to walk on egg shells moving forward. He has you where he wants you and while you say you feel good, I don’t believe you will once you realize he is going to make you do all the work and chasing moving forward.

Date other men for now. Just get out and do it. I went thru similar with my LDR who “loves me”, but “is complicated” and “has walls”. I don’t doubt his love for me, but I don’t feel like spending the rest of my life chipping at this wall while I prove I will put up with him.

Basically I reluctantly started dating, went on some crappy dates that made chipping that wall seem like the best option. Finally went on an amazing date with connection and chemistry. Mr LDR is not the first man on my mind anymore. Oddly, this has given Mr LDR space to miss me and he has bumped up communication.

BUT what I found is that I prefer the new guy. He makes space for me, no matter what.

Katherine,
His reaction to the “cold” comment was very bizarre. I wonder why that supposedly cut open such a wound from his last relationship…..maybe it’s because he acted cold and it was an issue? But to be honest… his explanation regarding his behavior sounds like more of an excuse to me. Remember…he was acting cold BEFORE you made the comment and then he just continued on being cold after that.

I used to be head over heels for this guy with a lot of emotional baggage and abandonment issues. He kept me at a distance and it drove me crazy. At times, he would open up to me greatly about why he behaved the way he did, sharing things about his past that he had never shared with anyone. This made me feel close to him and gave me this false sense that I mattered to him way more than I really did. He would kiss me passionately and look at me longingly. He gave all these all these elusive statements regarding our relationship such as “I just need some time” or “once I work through this we could have a real relationship”. I thought if I just stuck around and proved I was not going to abandon him that he would eventually come around. Leaving him would prove his fears right. That was not at all the case….I later realized all of his extensive explanations and “opening up” to me really were just excuses and meant to warn me: “Don’t expect anything from me.” His actions showed me loud and clear…He did want a relationship with me and wasn’t making any plans to try.

A guy that really wants you will show you with words and most importantly actions that you matter greatly to him. That means, DOING the relationship (initiating contact, making plans to see you consistently, letting you know how he feels about you). He will move mountains to be with you and you can bet that he will not let any past baggage from a previous relationship stand in his way.

I usually agree with bedazzle. This time I’m torn. Yes it’s true men will show love I never different ways depending on the person. In this case, however, he was supposedly doing all the right things up until Easter. So what caused the change? Is this the real person that he is? Does he realize that he really isn’t all in so decided to pull back and see what happens? I agree it’s up to OP to decide what resonates best for her. But this sudden change in behavior is what strikes me as problematic. If he had acted this way from the beginning that would be one thing. And would suggest his style of showing love is different. But apparently he was Baltimore to show his love in a more traditional way for months now. Plus he said he has lost feelings for her. When I look at word and actions matching the distance he has created along with the statement of not feeling it is pretty clear. And has nothing to do with how a man shows love. I would be really cautious. Because either he is telling you he is not longer all in or this is how he deals with stress and you will have him doing this every time there is an issue. Someone who goes cold and ignores you. I think he is making excuses too and I don’t see anywhere that he has apologized for hurting you. He clearly feels justified and is clinging to this supposed hurt from your comment which seems really childish. He doesn’t even have the insight to evaluate his own behavior but rather pushes all the blame on you for saying something that crippled him? Really? And even when you explained the reason why you said it, he never owed up to his part of the problem. So right now all you can do is wait th two weeks and contact him. You say it shouldn’t be all on your terms but right now I don’t see things very balanced, because the last mon5 or so has been all on his terms. Good luck

I dont agree with the “move mountains” thing either. That’s a movie fantasy.

But picking up the phone, sending an affectionate text, making a phone call, is NOT MOVING MOUNTAINS!

Now that I’ve said that, I agree that Katherine should get off here. I re-read that thead, and basically, katherine, if I could make an observation, you tend to be very easily swayed by whatever the last couple of people have said. This is probably also why you bought his b.s. (sorry, I’m sticking by the fact that he’s sending you crumbs). You appear to be very easily influenced by other opinions, and since the opinions on here are mixed and you’ve got a couple of people encouraging your delusion, those are the ones you’ll likely listen to.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

Totally agree with you Anna ! I just don’t consider that “moving mountains” more like the bare minimum required to move a relationship along!

sure, i am just trying to highlight that men will typically do some amount of work to save a relationship with a woman they truly want a relationship with. I’ve seen men do quite a bit.