Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Wants to Stay Friends?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
AngieBaby.
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Miriam
So my guy friend and I ended up in a complicated relationship. He was seperated from his wife, but they ended up back together for his sons sake. He told me he wants to be with my, but he wants the comfort and familiarity of his home life and doesnt want to lose his son. I am absolutely fine with it, I totally respect it, but I told him it was hard, because I still had feelings. I offered no contact for awhile to try to get a grip and lose the feelings, but he didnt like the idea. I asked him what he wanted from me.. to walk away, be a friend he talks to occasionally like once a week and he said no to those and said he wants to continue to keep in touch a few days a week. Im fine with friends, I would never ruin his relationship with his wife or son and we are great friends, but Im confused at this point. Im not sure why a man still wants me around if he doesnt want a relationship? It just confuses me I guess, like does he have feelings or is he using me as a fallback?
AngieBaby
I don’t mean to be cynical, but why do you enjoy being used as a side piece by a spineless cheater??
Elvira
Miriam please disassociate yourself from this man. If he went back to his ex wife then he needs to work on that relationship and not worrying to remain friends with you. Yes you could be friends eventually but I would not want my husband to be friends with a woman he dated while we were separated. So I think you need to look at at it from an outsiders perspective you remaining in his life at this time is not a good choice for his marriage. Also it is putting you in the “place holder” possible mistress position which is most likely where he is heading. Seriously what would you have to talk to him about a few days a week? How much he wants you but needs to be with her? It is extremely selfish of him to request friendship and you should open your eyes and see this for what it is.
Gaia
Cut off contact. It isn’t up to him how you let him go but you need to let him go. He’s chosen his wife and son. There is no room for you in that relationship. He’s using you to have his happy home life and also getting his ego stroked by continuing to keep you in his life knowing you have feelings for him. Find someone unattached completely.
Raven
Bluntly: He thinks you’re stupid…
How on Earth does a guy who ‘wants to continue to keep in touch a few days a week.’ with someone he’s had a sexual relationship with save his marriage?
Liz Lemon
Why does he want you around if he doesn’t want a relationship? So he can have his cake and eat it too.
Why would you settle for scraps from a man who ended his relationship with you to go back to another woman (not just any woman either, his WIFE- this is a married man we’re talking about). He was separated and chose to go back to his wife, fair enough. But don’t you want a relationship with a man who will make you number one and prioritize you? This is a man who’s cheating on his wife with you. Even if there isn’t physical cheating, he is emotionally cheating, since he doesn’t want to give up his emotional attachment to you. And I’m willing to bet if you stay in touch with him, he will eventually want sex from you.
He is using you as a fallback, yes. Whether or not he has feelings for you doesn’t even matter, since he did not choose you. You will always be 2nd in this situation, so why put up with that? Cut contact with him and date men who are single and available and can give you a relationship.
Miriam
Elvira,
I agree. It’s just that we were good friends before so I would hate to throw it away. Are you saying the fact that he wants to talk 3 days a week is still to often to be considered friends? I want to be sure I understand your advice correctly.Miriam
Thanks Liz Lemon, I think I just needed to hear what I felt from someone else. Again, it’s the friendship aspect. I couldnt understand from a mans point of view if still wanting to talk a few days a week and being in contact was just to keep me around his finger or if he truly just wanted to keep me in his life as a friend.
Miriam
I just struggle with whether he still needs me there as a friend or if the amount of time he proposed was a bit more than friendly.. make sense? I want to still be there for him as a friend, it will just take some time for me to get passed the feelings I developed and go back to platonic, thats all. I wasnt sure what his intentions are and figured someone would give me insight
Lane
What are the subjects of your conversations? Men and Women are fully capable of being platonic friends but not when romantic elements are present.
Why are you giving him all the power here? You have the power to decide what is best for YOU! You owe him nothing, especially a limboship. The best thing for YOU to do is to cut the cord so you can be open to meeting a man who wants you, fully and completely, not just when it suits him. Tine for you to take control of your life.
mama
A man you were friends with started a relationship with you while separated from his wife. And now he wants to go back to his wife, and keep you on the side in whatever capacity you will accept. As Liz Lemon aptly put it, he wants to eat his cake and have it too.
You are an ego boost and his wife is a security blanket. That’s why he wants to keep you around. He is looking at this entire relationship with you in terms of what you can give him, not what is best for you. It might be a really good idea to not speak to him for quite a while so you can decide what’s best for you. I think you mentioned that in one of your comments so I hope you go through with it. You may find that you want more and aren’t willing to continue any type of friendship with someone so selfish like that. In my opinion, he definitely seems to have you wrapped around his finger. It’s unfortunate. :(
AngieBaby
Miriam, what do you want for yourself? Are you dating? Do you want to get married, have a family, etc?? Because keeping someone like this in your life blocks you from doing those things. It may seem harmless to you but it’s not. As others have pointed out, it’s not useful to him rebuilding his marriage since he’s chosen to stay in it for him to be carrying on a close “friendship” with a woman he was sleeping with while he was separated. I take it you’ve stopped having sex, but it’s probably only a matter of time before he wants to do that again.
Take a break from him and put your life on track the way you want it. He won’t seem like such a great “friend’ you need to keep around if you get some perspective and other friends and another man who is available in your life.
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