Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Was any of it real?
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
redcurleysue.
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Megan
Hi everyone,
I have been seeing a guy for nearly 6 months now, we met through a dating site and neither of us wanted anything heavy as we have just gotten out of marriages and have children etc. Things have been going really well, we have spent lots of time together and speak daily. He told me how much he cared about me and we have spoken about the amazing connection we have. He shared with me that he had issues with his mental health and takes antianxiety medication. I have been aware lately that he is under a lot of pressure at work (he has a high power job) and is suffering with his anxiety so I have been supportive but given him space. Before Christmas, we slept together to the first time and I haven’t seen him since, we have spoken as I’ve said but I’ve not seen him because of the reasons I’ve said.
This morning, he has asked for a break over text, saying he was sorry but he can’t focus on us at the moment, he has loved our time together and hopes to see me again in the near future. I just responded and said I’m sorry too and I hoped he feels better soon and finds some happiness.
I am so upset and I’m also not sure if I have been played this entire time due to the fact the last time we saw each other we slept together but I also can’t believe none of it was real? I really don’t know what to think – any advice is welcomed. Thank you.Honesty Rocks
Megan it doesnt really matter if any of it is real or not. The guy has real life issues. A break up which involves kids, finances and a lot of hassles and a high pressured job. I dont think he played you because he was man enough to break up properly and try to explain it which is more than some people do. I know this is a disappointment but I think you just need to live your best life now and let this guy do his thing. He is probably a decent guy and has just got scared of more drama in a relationship or he does genuinely have mental health issues which are holding him back. Either way you need to go no contact and just leave him be. Dont live your life thinking he will be back because he closed the door and you shouldnt let him back again. Do things for you for now put yourself first and have fun.
tammy
my view differs. while he may have lot of issues in his life, him breaking off immediately post sleeping with you, is not the right thing to do in my books. if he was under so much pressure and having doubts, why sleep with you at all unless he was a little more sure of himself and in control of his situation. if i was in your place i wld have felt quite bad as well. especially knowing he broke off immediately post you guys slept together. he comes across as someone you should not waste any more time over. would have agreed with the other poster and given him the benefit of doubt had he broken off before sleeping with you. its too late to change any thing and all you can do now is to try and move on. hes just shown you he can run away when things get too sticky for him. you don’t want such partner.
Liz Lemon
His feelings may have been “real” in the sense that he meant what he said at the time. But this guy is a royal mess. He’s proven he isn’t relationship material.
Many people can fake it for awhile, but eventually it becomes obvious that they aren’t in a place to date. He probably genuinely enjoyed the connection he felt and enjoyed your company, but he’s just not in a place to take it further. If he’s struggling with mental health issues that will make it even harder for him.
So I don’t think he consciously “played” you, but I do think he’s an emotional basket case. It sucks that he slept with you and then broke it off with you, but there’s nothing you can do but move forward at this point. Delete his number and don’t let him weasel his way back to you later. He might reach out in the future but if I were you I’d cut him off.
Megan
Thank you everyone. I’ve been blocked now and I must say I’m nothing short of heartbroken.
I will try to move on and be happy with as much dignity as I can.
Riley
This guy is a garbage coward. When things got real, he obviously panicked and not only ran away scared, but went to the trouble of blocking you completely. Please believe me when I say that you’ve dodged a bullet— I’m sorry for the heartbreak that you’re going to feel because of this douchebag and what he’s done, but it is zero reflection on you and has everything to do with him, his readiness for a relationship or real connection, and you’re FAR better off without someone like him… however difficult that may be to see right now. Take care of yourself, let yourself grieve it, but don’t close yourself off to new friendships and relationships in the meantime; I went through a heartbreak last year and met some of my best friends now because I refused to let the loser close my heart down, and I put myself back out there as quickly as I could :)
tammy
megan don’t let this idiot affect you anymore. for me the deal was sealed when he came up with excuses post sleeping with you. this is entirely on him and you need to remember that. move on and as the the last poster suggested, don’t let this slow you down. off with the crap and on with the new. do not spend even a second having doubts or feeling sad. he dsnt deserve it.
Andrea
Unfortunately, this is the real him. It was all smoke and mirrors before so that he could get sex. I’m sorry.
Julie
Oh I’m so sorry you were blindsided by someone who is a complete emotional mess of a dysfunctional person. Whoever defended him because he has a powerful job and kids and said he was decent because he broke up with you is way off. A breakup text?! And he blocked you?! Blocked you!! And yeah – it’s super low integrity to sleep with you and then, wow I’m so busy and stressed I can’t manage to see you. These are all excuses and goodness I’m glad he is gone.
He probably should have been gone sooner and you missed those signs. I believe the universe gives us messages on what’s not right for us. Those messages get louder and more painful until we can’t ignore them.
I bet if you look back there were signs. Ugh I am so sorry because you’re clearly such a good person.
I’m divorced and am self-employed high profile work with two young kids, those are not excuses for bad behavior.
This dude is not who you thought he was.
You’re going to meet someone else and say: oh wow this is more like it!
Keep your chin up – that guy was crazy. And when you see crazy coming down the street, you walk in the opposite direction!
Megan
Thanks everyone – i know you may all think it is silly but i really cant believe that this was his true colour the entire time.
We shared too much and he continually told me how much i meant to him.Maybe i have been played but at this moment, i just cant believe it and remain heartbroken.
Rubi
Oh what a disappointment. I’m interested to know why his marriage did not work out. Did he say?
Megan
Just grew apart and found themselves wanting different things etc.
Maddie
Why does his withdrawal mean nothing was real and you were duped? Why is it black or white? It sounds like he has mental health issues that may or may not be under control and he’s not ready for a new relationship after his divorce, as he told you both these things at the beginning. When you slept together, the idea of closer intimacy and commitment probably became more real and he found he couldn’t handle it. Lots of people think they’re ready to date after divorce, and find when it’s time to step up that they’re not ready. It sucks (and he made the wrong decisions and handled the situation badly) but I don’t see that meaning he didn’t care, since men can find sex far easier than waiting it out 6 months for one hook up. It DOES mean he’s an immature, emotionally unstable mess who lacks self-awareness, and he is not the right match for you.
You should use your feelings about this situation to figure out what exactly you’re looking for from dating at this point. Does this mean you are now past your divorce enough to want to start a new relationship for real? If so, don’t start things up with someone else who says from the outset he isn’t looking for anything serious if you actually do want something that can grow. Maybe this is all a good thing in terms of it means you’ve moved on from your own divorce and have learned you’re seeking a real partner. Or maybe it means you’re looking for a life preserver in someone else and you still need more healing after your own divorce (without knowing more details about how long ago your marriage ended or what you’ve done to cope with it and move on, there’s no way for us to know… but we don’t need to know, it’s just something to ask yourself).
tammy
agree with Maddie. she usually gives insights to a situation worth thinking over. life is never black or white. its probably easier for us to dish out opinions since we are the 3rd parties. It is possible that he didn’t mean to set out and sleep with you to take advantage and then dump you. maybe he thought he could handle things and then realised he couldn’t. no one can say for sure. but the thing is regardless of his intentions, he did drop you and then block you. and as another poster pointed out there are many times we fail to see red flags or we just over look them. ofcourse its a bad time for you and you feel heartbroken. but even if he didn’t intentionally set out to hurt you, he did! and just blocked you which was so bad. ofcrse its going to hurt you and will take you time to get over. but in the long run he was just not a good match and you to need remember that.
redcurleysue
All of it was real but he has issues.
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