Was He Emotionally Unavailable or Just Not Interested

Two things. First, I understand why you’re asking the questions you’re asking, but a perspective shift will really help you here. You listed a whole bunch of behaviors you didn’t appreciate and that didn’t work for you. He needs his dates to be light and fun, and by month 3 your needs diverged. (I personally think that lots of men want to keep things light while they’re initially falling for you, but the emotionally mature ones can still have a stress-free, in person conversation about where things are at after 3 months even if they want more time for things to progress.) Which means overall, you weren’t compatible, and it doesn’t really matter if it’s because he was emotional unavailable or not interested enough. The situation wasn’t working for YOU, even if you did like him and had feelings.

Second, if you are secure, it’s very normal for someone more avoidant than you to push you temporarily more anxious, especially if they act hot and cold or unreliable. That doesn’t mean you are now anxious forever, it means the guy and the relationship didn’t bring out the best in you and probably weren’t right for you. Do take an honest look at if you have patterns that are actually anxious and you frequently choose insecure or avoidant men. But if this is an unusual one-off, you don’t need to doubt yourself. You just need to be comfortable walking away sooner in the future if you end up in a dating situation with someone who seems confusing and inconsistent.

FWIW he does sound unavailable, but there’s no way for us to know if he’s just that way or if he tried to jump back into dating again too soon and is still on the rebound. Trusting your own feelings (that something feels off) and leaving dating situations that are going awry while still in early days versus making excuses to stay are the best defense though, as is not dating guys who are recently out of long relationships if you’re looking for something serious.

Honestly 9 dates in over 3 months isn’t that often. It doesn’t sound like he was that into you, in my opinion. I agree with what’s already been said, that it was too soon for him and he wasn’t ready. Who knows whether it’s emotional unavailability or just not being ready to date yet, in the end it doesn’t really matter.

If a relationship is to progress naturally, the guy will was escalate his contact (calling you more, taking you out more)– it doesn’t sound like that was happening here. In fact you were doing the initiating, and not all that often, from the sound of it (~3x a month?)

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong that you asked where things were heading at 3 months, but if you had read the situation clearly, you wouldn’t have had to ask, honestly– cancelling on you, not wanting to commit to times for dates, prioritizing friends over you, telling you he didn’t think you’d work out in the long run. None of that is the behavior of a guy who’s falling for you. If the guy is into you, you’ll be in the honeymoon period after 3 months– everything will seem wonderful and perfect.

I think it’s fine to discuss exclusivity if you’re planning to have sex. That’s separate from heavy relationship conversations. It’s fine to establish that you only sleep with one person at a time. But it’s not the same as asking for a committed relationship, or where things are going, etc.

It sounds like after the 1st month, this guy started showing where he was at. The thing to do is to take that at face value and don’t try to force the things– if he never initiates, for example, don’t drive the relationship by chasing him. If a guy is into you, you’ll know. He will initiate, he’ll take you out, he’ll escalate contact, and he’ll ask to see you more than 3 times a month.

I was going to say similar things to what Liz posted, but she beat me to it!

I’ll add,

“I also do not like flaky behaviours and I’d call the guy out if they blew me off. Is that also considered bad in early stage dating?”

It’s not that it’s bad to call them out as much as most of the time it is pointless. I’m all for good communication and speaking up when something bothers you. But if it’s the first few dates then the other person is showing you who they are and it’s not up to you to change that, only to believe them and decide if you can accept it. There’s no mutual investment in each other to work things out yet, you’re still gauging for compatibility and someone flaking out on you early on can be written off for being unreliable or not interested enough in the way you’re looking for. If you want to “call them out” first, it could be something like, “I felt my time was not respected when XYZ happened, and that is not what I’m looking for in a dating partner” (all short and simple I statements and how it relates to the behavior without becoming anything personal against them). Then you see if they step up or not in response, and if not or if it happens again, that’s the end of it.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice. They are all really helpful!

I believe he wasn’t the right person for me at least not for now, and I’m not sure if there are good strategies that could manage it if the person’s wrong? His inconsistency/backtracking really drove my anxiety up. Isn’t it a red flag itself if I needed to manage the progress by depressing my emotions? Secure/mature people wouldn’t be so fearful of heavy conversations when it’s reasonable, right?

My only regret would be if his behaviour was situational/temporary. But again, I’m not sure how long it’d take him to heal and be ready.

Everything else about him was exactly what I was looking for. Could be a great match otherwise.

“Isn’t it a red flag itself if I needed to manage the progress by depressing my emotions?”

Yes. It means you are incompatible. Healthy relationships should be adding to your life, not sucking energy away. This is a good sign to end things, not fight for them with someone you’ve known for such a short time.

“My only regret would be if his behaviour was situational/temporary.”

This doesn’t really matter. Someone who is temporarily emotionally unavailable, such as after a breakup, but otherwise emotionally healthy will be able to communicate that with you. And more to the point, will be self-aware enough to not get too involved in the first place because they know they’re not ready and therefore aren’t looking to get involved. So you wouldn’t get to the point where you’re invested already unless you have tried to only read into the positive signs and idealized that person, ignoring the situation actually in front of you (in which case you are right that you should dig deeper into your own security issues). Someone who dates to distract themselves and avoid processing whatever issues are making them unavailable isn’t going to be a good partner any time soon, if ever. Someone truly temporarily unavailable due to a specific reason, but a good fit and who saw serious potential with you, would not push you away and break things off in absolutes and would probably come back later when they felt better.

You’re also asserting that he is wrong, which implies you are right. A healthy relationship isn’t going to develop out of digging your heels down trying to change someone else. Again, it means you’re not right for each other.

Is there a reason you’re trying so hard to find a way to doubt yourself here? Are you looking for a way to rationalize eventually reconnecting to see if he’s changed because you liked him?

I love Maddie’s response too!

Btw Maddie, I love your last response. Really really helpful. Thanks!!

Yes, letting the guy initiate confirms his interest in you. If you are constantly initiating, he may accept out of laziness (as in, he’s not interested enough in you to initiate, but will accept your attention– like this guy did), or obligation. But you won’t know that the guy is genuinely interested in pursuing something with you unless he initiates. I’ve been there, I’ve had plenty of situations where I constantly initiated with a guy, and he would accept, and….things went absolutely nowhere. Every. Single. Time. The only time I’ve had a successful relationship (including my current one) was letting the guy pursue me initially.

Really, when the guy is right for you, it’s not that hard. I promise! You don’t even really have to think about it, it just happens. You don’t have to force dates out of him because he *wants* to be with you, and asks you regularly. You feel yourself becoming closer with the guy, having deeper conversations, etc. It happens naturally, you don’t have to drill him about his feelings (not in the first half dozen dates!) or send “bitter” texts. Things just flow.

About offering to reconnect with this guy– I think it’s a good idea not to be friends with him because you’re hung up on him emotionally. You need to heal. Staying friends with him will prevent you from moving on. So that’s a smart move.

But I also think it’s a bad idea to offer to try to reconnect later, I really do. I don’t think he will come back in 6 months or a year a magically changed person, and then suddenly everything will be effortless. And putting that out there will leave you hoping, and possibly missing opportunities with other good guys, because in the back of your head you’re hoping this guy will come back. He’s just not the guy for you, and you have to accept that. That’s just my opinion, for what it’s worth, others may think differently.

He said when you ended things that he thought you may have been a good match, but keep in mind he may have said that just to be nice. Not trying to be harsh here- but people say all kinds of things to soften the blow when a relationship ends, because they genuinely feel bad in that moment. So don’t take what he said too seriously.

@Anna, write the letter, but please do not send it!

You don’t need to let him know you need to stop talking…
That’s already been decided. You can’t be ‘friends’ with someone you have feelings for.

Pls do not send that letter.. leave it the way it is. At a gud note. Let him be.

“Someone who dates to distract themselves and avoid processing whatever issues are making them unavailable isn’t going to be a good partner any time soon, if ever. Someone truly temporarily unavailable due to a specific reason, but a good fit and who saw serious potential with you, would not push you away and break things off in absolutes and would probably come back later when they felt better.”

@Maddie, this part is gold. I think others also corresponded to this msg in some way.

There were some red flags that gave me doubts about him.

He said he wasn’t entirely sure why his gf left him, or wasn’t convince with the reasons she gave him. So I lent him a highly recommended relationship book to read, hoping it’d help him process the breakup. He returned the book after a month and said he took a glance, got the gist of it but couldn’t finish it because it’s poorly written.

I suggested him to seek therapy help and he said he would, but never followed up.

He constantly jammed his schedules with social activities which left him feeling “exhausted” because he’s an introvert. That left him with no bandwidth to go out with me. He said he fears of missing out so when he gets an invite from friends, he would most likely go no matter what.

He knew he’s not ready to date but continues to talk to other women saying “I can still have fun!”. But in fact, most of them remained at texting stage because he literally had no time to meet them. He said he’d only met a handful and went out with me the most and he never had sex with any of them.

He was also quite arrogant in a way that he often found faults with other people and made degrading comments about his gradschool classmates. This probably had bothered me the most.

However, he also showed some signs of maturity and discipline? For example, he was able to have a serious talk with me in person about where things are at and how he wanted to proceed. He was respectful when we got physical.

He admitted that he was cautious with not getting too attached from the beginning in case things wouldn’t work out and could hurt me.

They are quite conflicting signs but still made me think he isn’t going to be a good partner any time soon, if ever.
Just some thoughts seeking for validation :)

I will add- my bf had a bitter divorce 3 years before we met. He still had some stuff to work through. We’ve been together 4 years and he’s come a long way in healing, he really has. So it’s not like you can’t date with a painful failed relationship, we’ve all been there.

However our first months of dating were about US– we were head over heels learning about each other, connecting, getting to know each other. The focus was not his failed marriage. Of course, he told me about it, but it wasn’t something we hashed over. As we became a couple and our relationship deepened and progressed over time, he shared more and more, and we had more in depth conversations. My point is, you shouldn’t take the role of therapist with a guy you’re only barely starting to date.