Was He Emotionally Unavailable or Just Not Interested

Liz, thank you for your insights and for sharing your personal story.

I am probably an empath cause often times I feel others’ problems are mine when I see how hurt/vulnerable they are. That’s what happened with this guy. He didn’t actively seek for help from me but I still offered voluntarily. But again, he did mention his ex often on our dates and is a bit moaner =[

lol, POINT TAKEN!

“However, he also showed some signs of maturity and discipline? For example, he was able to have a serious talk with me in person about where things are at and how he wanted to proceed. He was respectful when we got physical.”

You highlighted these as his good qualities, but they should be the absolute bare minimum bar you should have for any guy you’re dating. It should be assumed, not get a callout to give him positive points. You should not go out on another date with any guy who isn’t naturally just like this.

In regards to playing therapist, it is a red flag in early dating, yes, but also a red flag at any point in a relationship. Not only is it unfair to have all the “emotional labor” dumped on you, men don’t WANT a therapist for a serious romantic partner. Men who are healthy partners and struggling with something and come to you for help may want a friend, partner, and confidante they already built trust with to help them problem-solve, but they don’t want someone to solve something for them by doing all the work on their behalf. They don’t want to feel like their romantic partner thinks they need to change or they are broken, either. This site overall talks about how men want to feel like they are “winning” around their women, those are the women they’ll feel more connected to and take seriously. Playing therapist, or a guy treating you like one outright and expecting to be able to dump all his problems on you to deal with for him, shows unhealthy boundaries and expectations, while also sliding you into a role that’s closer to being his mom than being a romantic partner. And most men don’t want to feel like they are with their moms!

In regards to being an empath, that often happens because you grew up in a situation that required you to be hypervigilant to someone’s needs who wouldn’t communicate them and would expect you to read their mind and provide, no matter what your own needs were and whether or not yours were getting met. So I agree that there’s a lot going on here that a good therapist can really help you with, which will help you in life in general but will also make your dating life easier down the road. The good news is, none of what you’re talking about is uncommon or unusual, which means there’s methods that already exist to start to address the things you’re struggling with if you want to take that step.

He was just not that into you….
Let go, move on.

He likely would have been emotionally unavailable so soon after a meaningful relatiinship, but the question of where you two were put pressure on him so he decided to bail.