Was I just used or did I do something wrong to change his mind?

He should be fixing that not you. He should be fixing so that you want to be friends with him. Your reaction is adequate.

Yeah you guys are right. I just like him so much that I think we would be perfect together and want him to change his mind and realise that at some point in the future… classic girl silliness I guess. It just hurts because he says there has never been anything there but I am almost hoping that what has made him react so negatively is me pushing him to talk about it so soon… when we left it was the middle of the day and things seemed totally normal. I don’t get either why he would let something happen in the cold light of day as it were when we were both sober if he dislikes me that much… I guess I want him to feel bad about losing me too as friend? Is that messed up? I know I am 30 but I have never really gone through the normal breakups and stuff people go through as teenagers so I am maybe freaking out more than I should.

Alex, He wasn’t saying mean things, he was just letting you know how he felt. It hurt your feelings because you want something different. Saying it shouldn’t have happened (regret) is a man’s way of apologizing for misleading you. And he knows you misconstrued his feelings because of what happened. And his saying “We should just pretend it didn’t happen and never talk of it again”, was his way of saying he’s sad you misunderstood and doesn’t want to talk about it because it will drum up bad feelings between you. I have an idea when he said it could be the start of something amazing, it was while he was drunk. Maybe at the time, he even thought there might be a chance of that, but later on he realized he wanted to keep you as a friend instead of entering an exclusive romantic relationship with you. We all say and do things when drunk that we would not, if sober.

From a guy’s perspective, yes he will remember the incident, how sweet you were and how he hurt you, but he will try and push it to the back of his mind and let it fade. More than anything else, he wants to continue being good friends because he values you and the friendship.

You deleted him from Facebook because you were hurt and angry, but he will be understanding of your reasons. Add him back and let him know your emotions took over when you deleted him.

Please believe that he doesn’t dislike you! And nothing would have changed his feelings by what happened that night. If you had both been sober, the sex wouldn’t have happened and this situation could have been avoided, but neither of you can go back in time. You will both get through this and come out the other side as friends again and that’s a good thing.

The worst thing was I think everything would have been fine had I not stated the whole texting thing… that morning we acted completelt normal like friends I played it completely cool we went out for coffee and then I ruined it by being needy and demanding he explain things… I knew better as well but couldn’t control myself. Do you think he will understand that I was just freaking out a bit and forget all the awful conversation?

*Correction: “..pining over him..”

Alex, there is no shame in what you did. So he knows you like him, so what? it is not a crime.

Of course there was no need to text a guy after sex, this is something women should be taught by their mothers, but oh well, you did text him. Do not text anymore, and he’ll forget it.

It is not terrible to let your feelings get exposed. If you really like him, give him time. Do not do anything anymore, do not talk about it, do not initiate, give it 1-2 months. I guarantee that if he did not have sex for 14 months and he sees you at work all the time dressed sexy (and make sure oyu do, short skirts, cleavage), he’d think of you in this way more and more – and if you don’t talk about it, if you are not available to him, if you are seeing other people and don’t even care about that episode, this is when he might want you again.

Play it cool Alex, use your female instincts. Access to a woman’s body is a big deal, no matter what he says, he could have had sex…right. Then why didn’t he? Sex is very intimate, smart women don’t give it easily.

It is very seductive for a guy to know that a woman likes him, wants him, to know what it’s like to sleep with her, to have been inside her body and seen her naked, and NOT be able to do it again.

Stop your self beating and think like a geisha. lol

Make sure that when he’d attempt to have sex with you again, you don’t give it to him unless you start dating. It is going to tease him, he’ll have fantasies about you, but he won’t show it of course, he’d pretend none of it matters to him.

Many people suggest asking things directly, but in so many cases it is very awkward. I remember my ex asked me, do you feel jealous? blah blah..I did feel jealous but I was not going to confess it to him so I laughed it off and he believed me, even got upset about it. So direct questions are not always a good thing. Sometimes people would tell you the opposite.

Your lesson: do not text the guy after sex – ever. No matter what.

Do not sleep with your friends and if you are drinking arrange for an escape route.

Do not sleep with someone at work.

If you do confess your feelings, remember it is not terrible, it might even work in your favour later on, if you play your cards well. We all like those who like us. He now knows you like him…but can he get you? lol..

Own what you did, it was 50/50 decision, so don’t play a victim.

Use this “waiting” time to test him and see if he is a good person or not. Otherwise you’d be wasting your time and getting hurt in the process.

Unblock him if he asks you. Smile. chuckle and say ‘yeahh….I should unblock you, shouldn’t I? you’ve been a good boy”..and JOKE about it. JOKE…this will get his ego in the right place.

The only thing maria actually is that he was the one adamant it owould never happen again so I don’t know how seductive knowing we have had had sex will be as he is the one who doesn’t want it again… I am hoping though that he was just panicked when saying all this because I did the stupid thing of texting and not playing it cool… also it must be nice for guys to know that someone likes you and for me especially he knows I’ve never had a one night stand and take sex super seriously so that must make him feel good about himself?

Alex, he can say one thing today and another thing tomorrow. Do not take it as the last word spoken. I think he likes you and given that you have a great and sexy body he WILL lust after you. Just put yourself in a guy’s shoes. of course he would and of course he thinks about it. Sex is a big deal, not only to you. I talked to an actor who slept with over a hundred of women. He remembers them all he says.Your guy has been sex starved, so of course he thinks about you, and jerks off to it as well. I can bet any money on it.

Do not overdo flirting with others, it will be obvious then that you are doing it on purpose. Just dress to kill, sexy, to tease him and do not allow anything. Being unavailable AFTER he’s had a chance to taste you is going to drive him crazy. So flirt with him, tease and joke and play it cool. Do not text, do not initiate anything, all initiative has to come from him.

He might even start talking about how he does NOT want anything..to try and get you to express your feelings again, do not fall in that trap. Just play it cool, say sure, no worried and talk about something else.

No matter what he says, do not take it at face value, he slept with you, so he WAS attracted to you. But there are reasons for which he is not wanting to engage into something more, those reasons can change with time if you treat the situation with tact and care.

Good luck!

Alex, don’t turn him down. Being unavailable does not mean being rude. Gosh…be a little more subtle please. After you texted him all those things he now thinks you’d want more from him, and he’d pull away and be aloof with you, but when he sees that you are sweet and nice and friendly, he’d relax. THEN…he’d remember the episode and he’d wonder… Time will go by and he’d wonder more, especially because you won’t be pressuring him.

Be nice and sweet and flirty. But do not ask for anything from him, do not initiate personal topics, whether you are ready for things or not, etc. Do not imply that you’d like to continue your sexual relations or anything more than friendship. if he starts talking about it, you brush it off GENTLY, say that you both made a mistake and it is not a big deal, it happens, so you can move past it.

“I will try to get him to realise we are actually good together by showing that I don’t need him?” – you are not showing him that you don’t need him, you are showing him that you don’t want to sleep with him just because. And yes, the less you “need” a guy, the more he wants you usually. Thus does not mean you ignore him. You still tease and flirt but you don’t express any personal interest. Be “just friends” but wear very sexy clothes and in a subtle ways make him feel he is not the only guy you like. Develop friendship, support him, but do not allow sex. Unless..he starts asking you out.

You need to slow down and stop being so anxious. If you want to win him over, it will take time, many months, maybe a year or more, especially because he is not over his ex. If you rush things in this situation you are going to get the opposite results. I think you have a good chance, provided you are willing to wait and play it cool.

And in the meantime, you should observe him as a person and decide if he really is what you deemed him to be. You are so into him already, why? Step back and observe. He might not be the man you think he is. His last “action” was quite irresponsible, do not forget that.

#I don’t think you should hold out hope he will change his mind if you wear cute outfits and act aloof#

I tend to agree with Boo here. While there are most definitely some circumstances where what Maria is advocating will work and while there’s no harm in trying your best to win him over, in view of the background/his stance here, I wouldn’t bank of it. As things stand, and while he MAY change his mind at some point further down the line, chances of him changing his mind now, are fairly slim.

As someone else mentioned you’re certainly not the first person this has happened to. I’ve seen numerous instances of this type of alcohol work-related hooking-up, where either one or both ever intended taking it any further! Alcohol has a tendency to heighten what can be just normally be lukewarm to nil attraction. Gosh, I even remember snogging a guy at a work party, I was only vaguely attracted to before and I had no intention of entering into a relationship with, ever. On the other hand, there were others who did go on straight away to progress things further.

Agree 100%, Ianthe.

The reason my first question, before sharing any thoughts at all, was how drunk were you both, is because that line about “the start of something amazing”, was exactly that – a drunken line. It’s the neon flashing light in your post.
That’s how boys reel girls in under those circumstances. It’s like a magic phrase to get her eating out of his hand. Basically I feel like you’re being a little naive here and clinging to a drunken mistake, wishing it was more. No judgement, it happens to the best of us. But fixating and fretting…won’t do you any favors.

I agree with Phillygirl, “Your guy has been VERY clear. Yet, here you are, obsessing, over analyzing, plotting, and not listening.”

“Guys are simple. We make it complicated when we cant’ accept an outcome… and want more.”

you’re hurt because he’s not feeling the same as you. You’re taking it as he’s being a jerk. He’s being nice and not avoiding you and he clearly still wants to be friends and that’s it. Platonic friends. He was probably 100% being truthful that you are hot and beautiful and amazing. Your ego is crushed and you got attached. We all have felt that way but you know what? You’ll be over him in like a month. You’ll say to yourself “what the hell was I thinking”. Don’t take it personal though. There’s plenty of men out there.